It's So Fragile
by whedonite1113
Summary: Next morning afterglow is met with life-threatening tragedy that lands Emily in the hospital. When she awakens and cannot remember anything about her life with Naomi, will it be the end of the newly reunited couple, or will Naomi have the courage to win Emily back...again? Post Season 4, immediately following Naomi's speech. *COMPLETE*
1. Paperweight

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I already have this entire story sculpted out in my head, and broken down into chapters. If you stick with me through this, I promise to give you a very amazing and satisfying reward. This will probably be the only chapter from Emily's POV, the rest will be in Naomi's. But who knows...I'm all about experiments me ;) Skins is coming back and we're all ready for more Naomi and Emily. So with that said, please read, review, enjoy!**

**CHAPTER ONE: Paperweight**

Freddie's shed. Somewhere I had never even been and said as much as Katie led Thomas and I through the front door like a housewife escorting her guests. Despite the loud noises that had filtered through the shafted openings of the weather beaten building, there didn't appear to be much of a party going on inside. The company was clearly lit, the entire place reeking of stale pot, but not much else was going on other than the syphening of drinks and poker cards. I slumped my purse off into the corner while JJ piped up an invitation to a round of ace of truth. _For fuck's sake, we just finished college, do we still have to play middle school games?_ It was the last thing on this planet I felt like participating in, despite my sister's sudden smile to suggest we'd be otherwise interested. "Who's gonna start?" JJ inquired. As if on cue, the door opened, and a draft that wasn't from the outside wind filled the room. My head turned and my eyes locked on Naomi as she walked in, trepidation in every step.

"I will." I hadn't seen my...girlfriend?...since that morning...when I had found the courage to look her in the eye, and admit that I had never stopped loving her in spite of all the shit she'd put me through. All the tears, all the wasted hours of sleep, the number of arms she almost pushed me into when I truly lost my sense and only wanted to make her jealous. I told her I loved her...and she told me not to lie. As if that hadn't been bad enough, she walked out of our bed, muttering that her mother would be home soon and that she wanted me to leave. She'd left me cold in our bed, for the third and final time. What could she possibly have to say to change any of that?

"I've loved you from the first time I saw you. I think I was 12."

The entire room fell silent, everyone else seemed to be as stunned by the admission as I was. _Twelve?_

"It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you and I was so scared of the way I felt, you know, loving a girl."

_But you never spoke to me...I didn't think you knew I existed..._ It was like the entire room was sucking out all of my air as Naomi continued, the tears beginning in her eyes.

"I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch just to make it feel more...I screwed guys to make it go away. But it didn't work. When we got together it scared the shit out of me because you were the one person who could ruin my life."

_Fuck..._

The music died away and I wasn't sure if someone had turned it off or if my ears were ringing into such focus that even the shadow of my twin standing between us wasn't enough to offset the words Naomi had just admitted.

"I pushed you away, I made you think things were your fault, but really I was just terrified of pain."

My arms started to ache with want to reach out to the quaking, beautiful mess in front of me, but something kept me rooted to the spot. Pride? Anger? Jealousy?

"I screwed that girl Sophia to sort of spite you for having that hold on me, and I'm a total fucking coward because I got...these..."

She reached into her bag and pulled out...

"These tickets to Goa for us three months ago..."

My breath caught as I stared down at the transatlantic getaway that we had planned on before this happened. Before I knew about anything that was going to blow my entire world apart. When all I knew was that Naomi was mine, and I loved her, and we were going to go away together, to escape into another world. She'd thrown the idea in my face that day on the green, saying the trip was my idea, not ours, just another excuse for her to feel trapped by us. And she'd bought them...three months ago...

"I couldn't stand...I didn't want to be a slave to the way I feel about you. Can you understand?"

The question cracked as she trembled. Her face shimmered with tears, and I knew mine was just as wet. Now I knew why I couldn't move, because taking one step forward would push us back together, into the embrace I knew I wanted but was still afraid to give myself. Could I forgive her? Move past all this and forgive us both?

"You were trying to punish me back and it's horrible. It's so horrible because really...I'd die for you."

The confession acted like an explosion in my chest that made my buckled knees shake. I did my best to button my lips so that the entire room didn't hear my voice shatter from my internally crushing sobs. _For fuck's sake, Naomi..._

"I love you. I love you so much it's killing me."

I waited. I waited and thought and trembled and allowed myself to get lost in Naomi's sea-barren eyes. The pleading within them immediately overwhelmed me. I glanced off into the corner as I struggled with what to do next, until it hit me with the strength of a high-powered locomotive. My fingers reached her before any other part of my body and I pulled her into a kiss so salty that it felt like I was drowning. Drowning out everything apart from the entwining of absolution that we were allowing ourselves. When our lips parted, I pulled her down into my arms and squeezed until neither of us could breathe.

"Fuck, Cook," I heard Effy snort. Turning over my shoulder I saw her yank a dangling spliff from Cook's mouth and deeply inhale. "Turn the music back on. This is supposed to be a party, yeah?" The sandy haired boy cast Naomi and I the wickedest smile as he flipped the radio volume to full blast.

"That's what I'm talking about!" he barked over the music, pulling everyone to their feet and making them jump around. Grabbing a bottle of tequila, Cook shoved it in our direction, "Good times, come on, Naomikins," he beamed and hopped off to start dancing with Katie. She brandished the liquor with a small smile, but we both felt the line of hesitance. I knew what she was thinking. I always knew what she was thinking. We'd made up, or were in the beginnings of it, but the talking...so much talking...it needed to happen. I nodded.

"Later," I assured her, wrapping one free arm gingerly around her neck as I took the bottle from her fingers and knocked back a solid swallow. I did my best not to choke on the stoutness of the tequila as the bottle shifted from my hand and I watched with envy as the spicy liquid past over Naomi's lips and down her throat. Capturing her mouth with mine, I could taste the alcohol on our tongues as mine begged for entrance. With gentle force I was pushed back against the now vacant sofa never losing my hold in the kiss. A sweet sound of genuine laughter passed between us as we nearly collided atop one another. I felt rather than heard Naomi request, "Kiss me," as my targeted lips sought to do nothing else for the rest of the evening. Well, that wasn't entirely true...

Fleeing the shed after only an hour, and only three or four shots in, Naomi's hand intertwined with mine as we approached my moped. I'd only thought to bring one helmet. Handing over the heavy, red metal object, I insisted, "I'll wear the goggles. You'll just have to hang on tight," before we got into a back and forth over who would wear it. She kissed me with the level of passion that had manufactured our exit in the first place, murmuring against my lips,

"I love you."

"I love you, too," I whispered, slipping my tongue in to tango atop hers, pulling tightly at the jacket that draped her shoulders. I pulled away long enough to ask, "Mine or yours?" Clasping the helmet over her head, a hopeful half smile appeared on the lips I had just plumped with desire.

"How about ours?" I forced myself from bursting into smile to allow my cheek a teasing advantage.

"Back to calling it that now, are we?" Unfortunately the comment had the opposite effect as I watched her entire demeanor shift. My hand slipped back into hers and I squeezed it affectionately. "Sorry," I corrected, "bad timing. Was just trying for a laugh."

"That's funny to you?" Naomi bit, clearly hurt by the indication. Normally her tart tone would spur me into popping right off, but before I could even open my mouth, she was speaking, "No, I know. I'm sorry...I'm...I'm going to try to not do that anymore. Well, with you anyway. When it comes to Katie I make no promises." The humor in her tone rested happier in the air between us as I slipped my legs over the side of the moped and situated myself. Following suit behind me, I felt Naomi's arms wrap around my waist and almost immediately felt a spike in my center. I exhaled, shutting my eyes to enjoy the twinge of my libido, and cranked the ignition. The engine roared beneath us as we sped off into the night.

I felt the wind fly from my lungs yet again as my back collided with the front door, Naomi's body pressed against mine so forcefully that I could swear she was trying to meld us together. Hot lips scorched my neck as Naomi fumbled in her pocket for the keys, struggling to slip them into the lock. I laughed. "You've gotta have better aim than that," I moaned into her ear, "Has it really been that long?" The woman atop me smiled into another kiss as she affirmed,

"Can I help it if you're practically burning me up from the inside?" The erotic imagery caused me to swallow hard as I heard the lock finally click. The door flung open and it took everything in me to keep my balance and pull us inside. Taking my turn, I kissed Naomi's body against the door, shutting it behind us. My victory, however, was short lived as I was immediately pushed backward toward the stairs. We only made it up a few of them before I stepped on a cracked picture frame. Opening my eyes for the first time since we entered the black duplex, I could see the shadows showcasing the remnants of the place.

"Jesus, Naomi, what the fuck happened! The place looks like it's been-"

"Raided," she finished for me. "Cops came by looking for Cook. Made a right mess of things." A pang of guilt spiked in my stomach. I wanted to deflect Naomi's incoming lips and talk about what had gone on, what had happened between the early and later hours of the day to bring us right to this moment. But a louder voice in my head was reminding me that my libido...and heart...wanted my brain to fuck off.

Once we reached the top of the stairs, I grabbed two handfuls of Naomi's gray cardigan and practically tore the fabric off her shoulders, kicking my shoes aside as I did so. Tops simultaneously came next as my feet went into autopilot, stringing us into the bedroom with nothing more than the spell of my lips. The back of my knees hit the side of the bed as my left leg made sharp contact with something just below. The noise echoed through the bedroom like dynamite as Naomi pulled away from me, her hooded eyelids resonating what could've only been taken as fear as we simultaneously realized that I had inadvertently knocked my suitcase. The suitcase I had intended to come back for once I had made my appearance at Freddie's birthday party. Come for and never looked back. The scorching heat between us started to simmer as Naomi backed up a few feet. My hands shook at the loss of contact, and I immediately wanted to pull her back to me. "Say something," I heard her whisper.

The streetlight just outside our bedroom window flicked on, bathing us in fluorescent light from the open blinds. Gone were Naomi's moonlit features, and I couldn't bear to look at that fear anymore. The joy we were experiencing was not going to be marred by moments ago what ifs, so I went to the window to throw the curtain shut and turned back to...my girlfriend. My fingertips drew a line across her chin as I beckoned her eyes to me. Tears were already forming and I felt the knot in my throat start to swell. She really was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She leaned in a few inches, eyes stirring me closer until I pulled her in for a kiss. It was soft, gentle, and slow as if we were trying to re-remember everything about that first kiss when we were fourteen. How our lips had fumbled for a few moments before finally meeting in a rhythm that had startled us both. I had intended to kiss Naomi that night, but I had never dreamed she would kiss me back. Four years later and there was still more I could discover in this window to her soul. It was worth saving, it always had been. "Guess you're the only one that has to pack for Goa," I finally answered.

A sob escaped into the air, although for the briefest moment I wasn't sure which of us it came from. I felt her arms envelop me as our skin made contact, save only for our clothed breasts. It wasn't long before she nestled into the crook of my neck and I could only pull her closer to me as her face buried itself in my hair. Shutting my eyes, I stroked the blonde hair that had been the color of so many of my dreams and fantasies. "Please-" she whispered before morphing our lips into an intimate embrace. Again I made contact with the bed as Naomi's body crashed us down onto the comforter.

Things sped back into a frenzy as the remainder of our clothes were shed to the bedroom floor, and our naked bodies were covered now merely by the slivers of moonlight that poked into our haze. My hands roped the back of Naomi's neck as I pulled her on top of me, feeling my wetness ignite with the kisses that were trailing down my neck and to my collarbone. I shifted my hips so that my legs were wrapping around her ankles. I stilled as my chest was met with chill upon loss of contact. Those big blue eyes were still shimmering with the remains of her tears as Naomi muttered, "Please let me." Now I knew what she wanted...what she was asking for just a moment ago. It was the strangest, most wonderful feeling in the world to have someone you wanted so desperately to ask permission to be with you. I was so overcome with the request that didn't even try to contain myself as I have her my gunshot answer.

"Make love to me, Naomi." Haste turned to need as I felt our lips and tongues ravish each other again, our bodies shaking from the anticipation as well as the grinding friction. Naomi's chest pressed harder into mine as our breathing increased between gasping kisses, and soon my head was spinning as I felt the familiar trace of fingers down my side and around to my inner thigh.

"Emily." My name was a disappearing prayer as I watched Namoi's lips move from my neck, down my chest and toward the place where her fingertips were now tracing all around my hips. I had never felt such a wanting ache. When I finally felt myself taken by the combination of fingers and tongue I nearly exploded at the initial contact, not from climax, but from completeness. I cried out as Naomi's lips began their magic, flicking, tracing, lingering, and chilling every part of my center. The bed sheets were being torn from their edges as my hands grappled with them. Sounds of growing ecstasy escaped my lips that I had never made before. I could feel every ounce of her pouring into me as I climbed closer and closer to the edge.

I licked my lips to beg for more, but it was unnecessary. Before I could clear my throat, two fingers were buried deep inside me, their speed rapidly increasing. My growing moan ravished the air as my lungs threatened to explode from the exertion. My hips bucked in rhythm to the motions of the curled fingers, and my heart pounded so loudly that I was certain Naomi Campbell was going to shoot me straight into the stars. With a final thrust, my orgasm flushed over me like a tidal wave, and I shouted her name for the gods and devils of all worlds to hear and envy over what she had done to me. Arms wrapped around me, and feather kisses trailed across my shoulder. Blonde hair draped across my neck as Naomi cradled herself against me. I knew she was watching me. She'd told me on several occasions watching me come down was one of her favorite parts of our love-making.

So I decided to give her an eye-full. My eyes locked with hers so she could observe my pupils shrink from lust and replace with the love I had nearly ripped myself in half trying to hide from her over the last few months, trying to protect myself from the heartbreak that had ultimately followed regardless of my efforts. Until she crossed the threshold of Freddie's shed and begged me back into her life. All I had waited for was an extended hand. It's all I'd _ever_ wanted.

Once I had hold of my breath again, my lips found hers and I exhaled an, "I love you," into them. I was surprised to hear another sob break from Naomi's lips, and I couldn't tell if I had said or done something wrong. Call it shell-shock, but I was pretty certain that wasn't the reaction I had been going for. Her hands reached up into my hair as she pulled me close to her, wrapping us into yet another intimate knot. "Hey," I whispered, "what is it?" I felt her start to tremble and then my worry started to give way to the beginnings of fear. "Is-is-this not what you want?" That did it. I was pretty sure I had broken her because now she was crying. Full on, non-stop crying. My shoulder and hair were nearly instantly drenched as her voice broke in succession. "Ok, all right, sorry, wrong thing to say right now."

"I've never not wanted you," she choked out, her hot mouth nearly inches from my ear, and in spite of myself, my body couldn't help but flinch with arousal at the wet heat. "I'm not running anymore, ever again." She was trembling now. I kissed her shoulder, tightening our embrace as I buried my own face into her neck.

"Is that a promise?"

Naomi's lips were kissing me harder and with more fervor than any other time that night as she muttered against them over and over again, "I swear."


	2. You Want The Sunrise

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you to everyone for the reads and reviews. For those of you coming back for the next chapter whether you've made your presence known or not, thank you. I'm not much of a reviewer myself, but that doesn't mean I haven't gorged myself on tale after tale, so your return means a great deal to me. From here on out, unless something just completely changes (I tend to let the characters write themselves), the rest of the story will be from Naomi's POV. I think when we get further in, you will see it couldn't've been any other way. Enjoy babes, and cheers!**

**CHAPTER TWO: You Want The Sunrise**

I remember the first time I rolled over to find Emily Fitch in my bed. I was still sleeping in my old room, before mum had let us move into the master, so the sun had broken through the blinds in the window just above our head. My eyes had opened groggily, hearing soft breathing coming from the other side of the bed. For a moment I didn't want to turn over, in case the person I found there was another hand-out mum had given free reign of my bed to in the middle of the night. Or worse yet, the red-head was still there, occupying my sleeping space. The only way to find out was to face the music, as they say. Grabbing the bottle of vodka we'd practically drained from the night before, probably to have something to busy my hands with, I turned. My worst fear, and biggest relief, was confirmed. Emily was sound asleep, facing the opposite wall. My face smooshed against the bottle as I reached a hand out toward her. I took a strand of her silky smooth locks in my fingers and draped down just far enough so that if I extended my hand out just a bit further, I could stroke the white skin that was beneath it. So much for pre-occupied hands. The mere thought of contact had snapped me out of the extremely confusing sensations that had started to pulse through me. I pulled away, muttering a "fuck's sake," as I fumbled out of bed. Questioning everything that was both tumbling and fluttering in my head, I hadn't even bothered to fully dress before I had made myself scarce and left for college.

Falling asleep next to Emily had always been comforting. Waking up next to her had always been terrifying. Until this very morning in this very moment where I could reach that same hand out, without trepidation and concern, and _know_ she was going to be there. I could see the top of her red hair peering out at me from under the sheets. She had burrowed into my side of the bed, nearly taking the entirety of my pillow as her own. That was fine. She could hog it however she liked, as long as I could just lie here for just a bit longer. I'd be lying to myself if there wasn't a tiny part of me that had expected her gone this morning. Call it shell-shock but once something plays out a certain way for so long, it's hard to imagine anything better. Except this _was_ better. This was _so_ much better. She shifted a bit beneath the duvet and a cute little moan escaped her lips.

_Jesus, even that sweet, innocent sound had the ability to just make me..._

"Hi," she whispered.

"Hi yourself," I replied. She wet her lips and leaned up as if to kiss me. I exhaled, my lips parting in anticipation as my eyes closed. Her breath lingered on top of mine as we inhaled and exhaled. For a little longer than I liked. Something was stopping her. "It's ok," I encouraged, dragging my own tongue across the bottom part of my lip, my entire body tingling from the expectation of the first 'good morning kiss' we had exchanged in months. Her entire mouth encased mine as final contact surged me with a passion completely different from any of the kisses we had shared the previous night. I felt like that kiss could've made me fly. The look in Emily's eyes once she pulled away brought me back down almost heart-wrenchingly fast. I didn't have to ask what was wrong. Biting the corner of my lip, I proposed, "Talk?" She opened her mouth to respond, but closed it almost immediately, opting to just nod her head instead. "Ok...how do we-"

"Did she mean anything to you?"

"Who?"

"Who. Sophia."

"We've had this conversation."

"But we haven't had this conversation since you said what you did. Why last night, Naomi, what changed?" I swallowed, expecting another long speech to flow from within me from somewhere, but instead, a simple reply was all that followed.

"I became brave." Emily's brow furrowed. _Elaborate_. "I know I'd said-before-that I-that you believed that I was. But it took me breaking, completely, utterly breaking...to realize I was strong enough to be good for you. I regret what happened with Sophia, and I'll spend however much longer it's going to take to show you that." Releasing a sigh, I shifted in bed, moving a few inches closer to her. "What about Mandy?" Emily practically laughed.

"No, no just...no. She wasn't anything...much...I mean...like you said...nice pair of tits," we both breathed a small smile at the memory of unsheathing Mandy from beneath our sheets just a few mornings ago, but Emily's face was quick to sober as she continued, "I think she was, in some ways, my Sophia." I certainly hadn't been expecting that answer. "After I found out...it got to where I almost couldn't live with it. Not in a crazy, suicidal kind of way just...the rejection...it never stopped trying to take over. So I found a band-aid. Mandy wanted me. I knew it. And it just...it felt good to be wanted, I guess."

Her revelation rent my heart. Reaching out to her, my hand started to shake as I stroked the outline of her cheek. "I always wanted you," I choked out, trying my best to keep the tears at bay. We'd both done enough crying for a bit. "I am so..._so_ sorry if you ever thought I didn't." Her sweet hand gently threaded up through mine, holding it fast to its object of affection.

"It wouldn't be the first time...," she muttered in a meek voice. It was true. We both knew it was true. "...that I felt that way," she finished, knocking the conversation for a loop. "If last night was an indication of anything, .it was that I finally heard exactly what I wanted to hear." I pulled us close, foreheads resting atop one another.

"Do you believe me?" Her lips never looked more kissable to me than in that moment.

"I'm sure the love marks on your body are a suitable answer." My hips shifted upward of their own accord as Emily pulled closer. I wasn't at all sure whether the tremor in my core was from the friction of our skin or the words that were expelling themselves from my mouth before I could even think to rebuff them.

"The only thing I am afraid of...was ever afraid of...is waking up in the morning knowing you aren't mine." There it was. My last leap into bravery. My last wall crumbled at the worshipful feet of Emily Fitch. And it made her smile.

"I am yours. Since we were twelve. Well, eleven, technically, for me." We laughed into a kiss, pulling the covers up over our heads to get lost in one another for as long as our bodies would take the exertion.

It was nearly one o'clock before Emily or I came up for air, assuming there was any oxygen left in the room. She insisted on running out to pick up some additional ingredients for breakfast while I took a shower. "Join me," I had prompted, but she merely cast me a smirk in reply.

"In that tiny thing?"

"Exactly," I had replied with a knowing smile. A quick kiss on my lips had told me she would hurry before leaving my flushed and newly charged form to clean itself up...to be dirtied again in a few hours.

My fluffy white towel fell to the bathroom tile as I switched on the overhead shower to start to warm up. Even in April the pipes were mostly frozen in Bristol, making the Goa getaway all the more enticing. It wasn't hard to imagine a spirit like Emily's thriving in the streets of the Mexican culture, shopping with street urchins, dancing in the hills, and the two of us bathing in the moonlit beaches. I let out a laugh. I had honestly wanted to give all that up so I could start Uni all the faster? It would be there when I got back, all of it. Emily and I would only be this young and free once.

As I stepped into the shower, the lukewarm water cascading over me, it took all of my self-restraint not to illicitly let run the images of Emily last night...this morning...or ever really. It was a wonder the sheer magnitude of her quick and chaste 'goodbye' kiss could bestow on my libido. But I forced myself to scrub up and rinse instead of let my hands explore and wander. There were better instruments fit for bringing myself into that kind of frenzy...unless it was something she wanted to watch of course.

A chill had settled in the house as I made my way back into our room. I quickly changed into a pair of jeans and sweater that had been haphazardly strewn across the alcove. Making my way down to the kitchen, I took in my surroundings. I hadn't had the energy to pick up any of the remnants from the fuzz's raid on my home. That fucking bitch, and her fucking fanny sounding name, ratting us all out like that, doing what, in her mind, was getting even with Cook for kicking her out after a loud, though apparently uneventful, fuck. Now I was left to clean up the mess. I sighed as I picked up the picture frame from the foot of the stairs that Emily had nearly tripped over last night. It was a simple snapshot, just the two of us taken a few days after the Love Ball. We were situated on the sofa, Emily's legs draped across my lap as we laughed about something. Mum had found the whole mood quite poetic and sought fit to put it in the hallway. Now it was nothing more than a torn memory and broken glass. Didn't she know people didn't print pictures anymore? Although looking at it now I could sort of see the allure. The look of releasable bliss on our faces...I wasn't aware that was how I looked when I was that irrevocably happy. Fuck I had been stupid. So incredibly stupid to run from this. And how silly I felt realizing Emily had never asked me to sacrifice my goals or my dreams, nor I hers. We'd only wanted to come along for the ride.

Placing the photograph on the table I glanced up at the clock. Emily had been gone for almost forty-five minutes. I pulled back the shade and the spot where her scooter had been parked was vacant. Ok, so she should've been back even sooner if she was riding instead of walking. The shop was less than half a mile, and she knew exactly what she wanted. Emily wasn't a browsy shopper, especially when it came to groceries. I pulled my phone from the pocket in my slacks and dialed. "Hi, this is Emily, leave me a message." Maybe she was on her way back and couldn't get to her phone. Still...a funny pang in my stomach had settled, so I went into the kitchen to try and clean the place up just a little bit so there was room for us to cook what she brought back.

Now nearly going on an hour, I checked my phone again. Still nothing, so I pressed number two on the speed dial. "Hi, this is Em-"

"Shit," I whispered, clicking the mailbox closed without leaving a message. There really wasn't any reason to be this anxious. Maybe she ended up needing a few more things. Maybe she ran into someone she knew...

_Maybe she ran into Mandy._

Fuck. Once the door was closed on that subject this morning, I had completely forgotten that maybe the girl who Emily was using to forget me wasn't done forgetting her. What if she had cornered Emily the minute she left the house? She seemed the stalker type.

_And I'm opting for the paranoid girlfriend type. Really Naomi, she's probably going to walk through that door. Any minute now. Aaaany second._

"Fuck it," I grumbled, grabbing my jacket off the sofa and throwing the door open. A walk never hurt anyone...and I said I was working on my attitude, I didn't say it was exonerated overnight. Locking myself out, I pulled the black fabric over my shoulders and took an immediate right off the front stoop. The road took a slant down, which quickened my pace as I neared the end of the street. It wasn't long before I realized I was speed walking, my breathing tightening from the exertion and cold. I'm sure the pack of fags a day didn't do much to help. I pulled my collar up tighter around my neck as I knew I was nearing the shop. Surely there'd be a sign of Emily somewhere. I glanced around at few apartments that housed a few of our acquaintances in case she had gotten momentarily distracted, scanning the front gates for her moped. The wind had been whistling so hard that it wasn't until I was almost upon it that I saw a crowd of people beginning to disperse from a nearby corner of the street.

It was the swirl of the lights I saw from the corner of my eye, the flashes of red that were synonymous with broken raids and Cook-filled antics, not the spectacle call for a crowd. A siren beeped and swelled as an ambulance carted away first slowly and then like a bat out of hell amongst the street of stragglers. A few were even shielding their eyes from the apparent damage they had seen, and I grabbed one of them by the shoulders. "Excuse me but...what happened?" I asked, my hand nearly shaking from the crest-fallen tear stained eyes.

"Fucking sod didn't look where he was going, innit," the thick Bristol accent rolled from the shaken woman's lips as she pulled out a hanky and wiped her eyes. "Hit that girl a good twenty, thirty feet. It's a wonder they picked her up in one piece."

"G-girl?" I stammered. No, this wasn't Emily. Surely this wasn't Emily. I pushed my way through the last of the bodies that were throwing scoffs and looks of disapproval in my direction as my quaking body pushed past them almost viciously. I had to see what was still left on the ground, but I didn't want to, I so didn't-

_Jesus. _

A mop crew was pushing away the absolutely shattered remains of burnt orange metal. "No..." I squeaked, trying my best to look through the crowd to piece together what had happened. Make it make sense so that I could immediately make it unhappen. Until a spark of reflective light nearly blinded the right side of my face. I shielded my eyes to the beams so that I could take sight of what was blocking my view.

And my heart fell through my feet. It fell right through my feet and into the crumbling ground beneath me. Pushing aside another tossing kid to get to it, I scooped up the goggles I had gifted to Emily at the beginning of the year. The strap was broken in half, and the entire left side of the glass was cracked. I let out a scream that caused everyone around me to jump out of their skin, but I had no skin. I had nothing around me anymore. All I could do was stare down at the thing that was supposed to protect my girlfriend and curse it to within an inch of it's existence.

I threw the things as far as I possibly could, as a hand whirled me around. "Do you know the victim?"

"Yes I fucking know her!" I barked at him, hot tears beginning to cascade down my cheeks. At the sound of my own voice forming words, my entire frame began to cave in around me, the weight of my own body threatening to crush me with panic. The "ice queen" cry became the simpering of a child. "Is she-is she-"

"In critical condition," he finished for me, "is there a way you can get to her?" I shook my head. "Ok, hop in the back, I'll take you." His hand hadn't left my shoulder but I suddenly didn't want to be touched, and flung my shoulder free of his grip. "Ok, sorry. You're not in trouble just...try and take it easy..."

Maybe in some twisted part of his brain he was trying to reason with me, but I couldn't even think about my reactions or my behavior. All I wanted was Emily. To hold Emily. To change the fact that her body had laid in the street, and she had been unable to reach out to me, to have me there with her. She had been alone. The sobs that followed were uncaged as the sirens began again.


	3. Go Back To Bed

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you so much everyone for reading and reviewing the last chapter. I hope even more of you will feel inclined to do so after this next segment. It's a hefty one, so grab your favorite energy drink and enjoy. The book selection in this chapter is from Lev Grossman's "The Magicians." It is a personal favorite of mine.**

**Read, review, and enjoy!**

**CHAPTER THREE: Go Back To Bed**

_**Eight Hours**_

"The impact of the crash itself didn't cause any severe injuries apart from a few cuts and bruises. The angle of the vehicle collided with the front of the bike, so it was really the flip over the hood of the car that created the brain damage."

"Brain damage?" Jenna huffed before the doctor could continue his droning lecture.

"Well, essentially that's what a concussion is, Miss Fitch. Luckily she was wearing the helmet, but there's some severe swelling on the temporal lobe which has kept Emily under for the last several hours."

Several hours. That's how long we had waited since Emily had been moved from the intensitve care unit into her room. Several hours of just staring at the bed, barely holding my body up by my pencil thin spine to stare down at Emily's frail, bruised, and cut body to the tubes fed from her arms, out of her nose and mouth. The mouth that had just kissed me only a few hours ago, promising she'd return.

"When will she wake up?" Katie's voice broke through. It caused me to jump, the timber of the cadence when she spoke was so similar to Emily's that it was doing an intense number on my nerves, as if my beautiful and still red-head were reaching out and asking the same question.

"We don't know...all we can really do right now is...try and make her comfortable..." It was preposterous. Emily was fine. She was passed out cold while we all had to wait here in agonizing time for her to...for her to...

_Fight for her life_.

My hand reached out to clutch hers. I hadn't sat down since the Fitches had arrived at the hospital. By the time I had gotten there they had already been contacted. Fucking twat I was, hadn't even thought to call Katie and let her know what had happened. Pretty hard to make a call when you can't find your voice at all. Or when your mouth opens to speak, all you hear are the cracks and squeaks of your muscles trying to work but can't. How could my mouth and throat and tongue all work when they have tubes down them? Because I was in that bed with her.

A sudden sense of falling filled my head as I nearly collapsed into a set of arms. "Sit down before you fall down for fuck's sake," I heard that same voice whisper. It wasn't until she looked me directly in the eyes that I realized Katie was checking me for any signs of internal trauma.

"My knees stopped working," I choked out. It must've been the first thing I'd said in hours because my throat was dry enough to make speaking actually hurt. My hand felt dreadfully cold. It wasn't holding Emily's anymore. My body lurched forward to twine my fingers back into hers. _I can't not be touching her, she has to know I'm here. Every second_. I nearly fell to the floor, taking Katie by surprise. But the girl isn't as frail as she appears and she easily pushed me back into my seat. "I have to touch her, I have-"

"Then move the chair up, you twat," she grumbled as she pushed the thick, plus chair forward so that I could rest my head on the white cloth sheets. Once my hand made contact with hers I accidentally clamped down on the IV. I think it must hurt, regardless of any sign or indication from Emily's still form, so I retracted and resituated our fingers so that they were laced, but my palm was resting elsewhere. I kissed the area that was all tubes and tape and whispered an apology. "What do you have to be sorry about?" Katie asked as she took a chair next to me. She didn't sound upset, she didn't sound like she'd been crying. She was completely unreadable, even to a vapid emotionless fuck like me. Not that I knew much about the other Fitch twin, mostly on her account, but I was falling apart inside. How could she be a literal genetic copy of the woman I love and appear...bored. I had to steel my tongue so that I didn't tell her where to fuck off. Instead, I answered the question, after several seconds of moistioning my throat to do so.

"Everything."

"Too right there," she spat, "Waited long enough to try to mend her heart, didn't you?" _Fuck's sake, I don't need this_. I released a sigh, and clutched Emily's fingers tighter. Every instinct inside me was barking at me to get out, to snap at Katie, to cry, to do anything and everything not at all helpful to the current situation. _Leave it to me to act like a complete schitzo in this situation_. "How did you get here first, anyway? I'm listed as her emergency contact." I sat up slowly and had to physically turn my head because my swollen eyes couldn't lock on anything well enough for me to focus peripherally.

"I found the moped in the street...smashed to fucking bits..."

"You found the bike? Just the bike?" Katie asked, her head turning toward me. She'd been looking at something, off somewhere that wasn't here. Maybe that's how she was dealing with this...

"Yes..._just the bike_...they'd already come for her..." The guilt floating up to my mouth made me taste bile and it was all I could do to swallow it back down. I wasn't leaving her side, even if I was going to be sick. I'd just puke in the trashcan and let a nurse clean it up later. _I promised...you were alone and I'd promised...I swore..._

"She's going to be ok." My eyes clenched, searing from how dry they were. "I know she is." I turned away from the healthy, spray-tanned twin and allowed my vision to be enveloped with the one that was all but clutching onto this world for all I knew. My voice broke into another bout of sobs as I stood on shaky legs and kissed the area closest to Emily's mouth that wasn't covered with a breathing mask. There were stitch marks across her cheek and brow. I kissed those as well. I needed to get as much contact with her before the inevitable-

"When did she get here?" Jenna Fitch said, finally coming back into the room from her conversation with Emily's doctor. "_What_ is she doing here?"

"She's been here the whole time, mum, don't be a fucking cow," Katie defended, but I didn't need her to.

"I'm not leaving, Jenna," I said matter-of-factly, sitting down in the chair that I pulled even closer to Emily's bed. She rounded the other side of the bed so she could yell at me good and proper before I cast her a look to shoot the devil. It shook her so far off balance that I was certain I had hit her with actual laser eye beams. Her body nearly shook under my glare. "And you will not dare try to make me." Ice blanketed the room as I wrapped Emily and I's fingers back together. It appeared my reputational powers did hold some weight still, and it wasn't until Katie stood to take Jenna for some coffee that I relinquished my gaze on the woman who would be suicidal to keep me from Emily's side. Even if she was her mum.

In the quiet of the recovery room, the only sound was the beeping of Emily's heart monitor, and the fake lung that was doing all of her breathing for her. I wasn't stupid. I knew how bad this was. I could feel in the very pit of my heart how bad this was. And I knew exactly what the old Naomi would have done...but I left that Naomi in Freddie's shed. "I promised you I wouldn't run," I whispered, wishing desperately I could lay in that bed with her, wake her with my touch and kisses. "I promised." The words were barely out before I broke down into another crying fit, burying my face in the sheets that were wrapped around my beloved Emily.

_**Twenty-Four Hours**_

There was a clock on the wall with a black outline and thick numbers. The second hand had a little mocking smiling face that kept staring down at anyone who walked in her room. The sun came and went, although I'm pretty sure if it weren't for the clock I wouldn't've been aware. The streetlight just outside did a pretty good job of keeping the place well lit, even when the room was otherwise cast in darkness.

I'd watched her all night, waiting for...what I don't know. My eyes leaked of their own volition now, a steady stream because my body was too tired to physically sob anymore. I thought it wasn't possible to feel this shitty. Not after everything that had happened in the last year, surely that had been the worst, losing Emily like that. But here I was, sitting in my own worst nightmare and it was entirely possible that-

_No. You won't think like that. You absolutely can't._

"I can take over here," Katie came into view, walking around the bed. She'd stayed with me most of the night, insisting it was to make sure I didn't assault any security officer that thought he could tell me visiting hours were over. I merely shifted in my seat and attempted to clear my throat. I almost gagged.

"I'm fine," I muttered finally, my voice raw from the drought. Not just from the lack of water, but from the slaking ambrosia of Emily I'd had heal my heart just yesterday. Katie sighed and picked up a nearby glass, filling it with tap water.

"Here," she muttered, and placed it next to me on the bedside table. We sat there for several minutes, not looking at each other. Finally she picked up a magazine from her purse and started to flip through it. I reached for the water and took a few sips. I couldn't deny that it did have miracle properties.

"I haven't seen Jenna since yesterday." Katie stopped turning the pages and I could see her cast me a glance from the corner of her eye.

"Mum's busy at work," she whispered, the response weighted and filled with disappointment. I wasn't surprised...but I knew it was best just to leave it.

_**Thirty-Six Hours**_

Every part of my body was screaming at me to move, but I couldn't. I'd done nothing but sit in this chair and hold Emily's hand since I entered this room and, apart from some inevitable bathroom breaks, I refused to do anything else. I was terrified that her eyes were going to flicker open and I wouldn't be the very first thing she saw when that happened. I had to be the first thing. For my own sanity. Still, my neck was pinched, my back was contorted, and I was pretty sure everything from below the hip has fallen asleep. _That's fine. Emily's not there to touch any of it._ As the thought hit me, I squeezed Emily's hand tighter, the whiteness in my knuckles willing her to feel me. _She's here. She's right here._

The crinkle of paper on Emily's nightstand shifted my focus. A small hand with slightly puffed fingers set down a package of museli and a garibaldi. "It's all I had in my purse," Katie muttered with a hint of impatience. "Eat something will you?" I eyed the packages with a pang of nausea. I didn't think I could stomach anything if I wanted to. The door closed behind me and I knew she'd left to attend to things back home. Leaning forward, I rested my head atop the gauze and surgical tape wrapped around Emily's head. _My home is here._

As I rested my weary body back into the cushioned chair, my head started to swim and I began to see stars. Releasing a sigh, I reluctantly let go of Emily's hand for a few moments and tore into the biscuit wrapper, munching a bite. The crunches were languid and slow, but after thirty minutes I'd consumed everything on the table. _Physically_, I felt better. But not by much.

_**Fourty-Eight Hours**_

Jenna stopped by and we did the whole fake smiles and acknowledgement. "You're still wearing the same clothes," she snipped in that ridiculous Scottish accent of hers. I did my best to stifle back one of my apparently notorious eye-rolls, although for the life of me I had no idea why.

"Someone had to stay here," I bit in her direction. The woman cast me a warning to rival my own, and then a sinking feeling hit the bottom of my stomach, and I looked at Emily in the bed, knowing that deep down, no matter her relationship with her mother, she wanted her here. Every little girl does. "There hasn't been any change."

"Katie mentioned," she muttered, turning her gaze back to her daughter. She leaned over the bedside, opposite where I sat, and ran her hand over Emily's forehead. "Would you prefer to go home for a while, Naomi? Maybe take a shower?"

"I meant what I told you the other day, Jenna, I'm not leaving this bedside until she wakes up." Her mouth tightened as our eyes met again.

"I'm her mother, Naomi, and-"

"And I'm her everything." _A toad doesn't frown that hard_.

"That wasn't the last I heard."

"A lot has changed from the last you heard," I corrected. I knew a lot of my venom was misdirected, but I wasn't going to be pushed. Not when it came to this. Eventually the brunette woman conceded and chose to sit at the far end of the room, flipping through something on her phone as if she were waiting for a taxi. Sighing, I rested my forehead against the sheets that the nurse had changed this morning. My body screamed at me to just sleep, but my mind was still reeling and that's when the tears came back.

I buttoned my lips so that she wouldn't hear me, forcing my shoulders still so they wouldn't shake. It wasn't until I felt a hand just below my neck that my tear-stained nose inhaled a sob. "I brought you something to sleep on," Katie said. Raising my head, I saw her point to a cot that was now resting in the corner.

"I'm not tired," I lied, placing my head back onto the bed.

"Whatever, tosser," Katie grumbled as she handed her mother a water bottle. As if it were the only part of the conversation she had picked up on, Jenna sputtered,

"She's been sleeping in that chair?"

"No mum, she hasn't. That's why she should." I smirked in spite of myself. Turning my head toward Emily, I peered up at her color-drained face.

"Wake up will you, and save me from your family," I whispered with the tiniest bit of laughter in the timber of my voice. My thumb stroked her wrist, pressing tenderly against the skin.

_**Three Days**_

Of all the things I had spent glancing over, my eyes always seemed to re-land on my fingers cradling hers. There was going to undoubtably be a long scar on the underside of her right arm where I was told she had landed. I couldn't imagine the layers of gravel and dirt that had been dug out of her tender, precious flesh with piercing surgical equipment. The excess of the bandages only left me her fingers, and they were what I concentrated on. I hadn't looked at it, really looked at it, in what seemed to be ages. The hazy fog that had settled over my mind caused me to relive the memory, with a smiling, enchanting woman that didn't match the broken one in the hospital bed.

_"The hands represent friendship, the crown represents loyalty, and the heart well, I'm guessing you can imagine what that means," she smiled up at me as we sat on the swing set out on the playground. There was a slight nip in the air, so the wind was pushing against Emily's face as she smiled cheekily over the metal chains._

_"I can take a guess," I quipped, handing the silver ring back to Emily. "Going to put it on me then?" She practically blanched at the request before her hand shakily reached out for the object. We had to move our swings closer as I presented my right hand to her. She paused for a moment, clasping the object amongst her tiny fingers. _

_"There's...another part..." she whispered, suddenly unable to make eye contact. I peered down at her, wondering if she were contemplating on retracting the gift entirely with the way she was clutching the metal object. Before the moment passed into a zone of much more worry she continued, "...if you wear the heart pointing away from you, then it means you're available but...if you wear the ring with the heart pointed toward you..." Emily's eyes met mine and I wasn't mistaken at the tears that were beginning to form in them. I could tell she hadn't intended on getting so nervous over this idea because she let out a huff and wiped at her eyes with her long sweater sleeve. "Fucking hell," she sputtered out through a shaky laugh, glancing away and sniffling. _

_My mouth was dry and I realized a second later that it had been opened as a chill settled on my tongue. Instead of trying to find words, I reached out and took the hand that held Emily's gift. Removing it from her fingers, I held it just above my right ring finger...the heart pointing toward me. "Put it on will you," I half asked, half commanded, my voice dropping into a register I knew drove Emily mad with wanting. Her eyes shot back down to my hands, waiting for her to take over the task. I heard her voice choke back another tear as my eyes began to water. The ring slid on as a perfect fit. Grabbing a hold of my swing, Emily pulled us into a deep, satisfying kiss. _

_"I love you," she whispered against my lips. I nodded, pulling back just a little bit to look down at the ring on my finger. I'd never had one that meant anything, and now here it was. A promise to the woman that in spite of my best efforts, I couldn't help but fall deeper and deeper for every day._

_"I love you, too," I echoed. Her hands ran through my increasingly growing blonde hair. I really needed to buy another bottle of peroxide soon._

_"I'm going to miss you growing this out," she said with a bit of a sad smile. We'd agreed we weren't going to talk about her family vacation that was happening in only two more days. It made the timing of the gift all the more potent._

I'd slept with Sophia three weeks later. Funny. That was one the one day I had forgotten to wear her ring.

The memory clamped down on me now and it felt as though my fingers were swollen in spite of the chill that had settled in Emily's room. I pressed the call button and waited only a few minutes for a nurse. "It's a bit cold in here, she's cold," I replied. Words were still difficult to come by.

"The thermostat is just over there," the nurse huffed, undoubtedly annoyed that she had been taken away from an actual patient with actual problems. But she turned the dial up anyway. Sizing me up she asked, "When was the last time you ate?" I didn't say anything. "Slept?" My cracked lips opened and closed several times to try and respond to her but nothing came out of them. "Come on then, in you go." I groaned and moaned like a little five year old as I was escorted to the already made up cot. If I had had the energy, I probably would've bit and pulled her hair. But the minute my head hit the pillow my brain had an entirely different set of ideas.

_**One Week**_

"Page Doctor Miller! Now!" a harsh voice was barking as I opened my eyes. I'd fallen asleep on the cot again, and the sun was pouring into my eyes so it was taking me a few minutes for me to adjust to the scene folding out in front of me. There were two nurses on either side of Emily's bed, adjusting her bed flat from its reclined position. Tossing the covers violently aside, I flew to the end of Emily's bed, and that's when I heard it.

The heart monitor. It was ringing a flat tone. There wasn't any beeping.

My hands gripped onto the railing and I shook it, violently. "Emily!" I cried, nearly leaping onto the bed myself, but I couldn't feel my legs again. Firm arms wrapped around me and shoved me out of the room as the nurse tore open Emily's gown and began chest compressions. I called her name over and over again. A machine wheeled passed me as I crossed the door's threshold.

"You have to stay out here, do you understand?" the nurse commanded, but I sloughed myself out of his arms. I went for the door, but was immediately pulled back. "You're going to make it worse by being in there!" A young man in blue scrubs and a white jacket came reeling around the corner, and pointed at me. Apparently he knew who I was and he jabbed his finger in my direction.

"Keep her outta there!" he ordered as he shut the door, and I heard the lock finalize the decision. Letting me go this time, I slammed against the door, twisting and turning the knob in every direction, letting out disgruntled cries every time the lock didn't bend to my will. I banged on the door, but it didn't do me any good.

_I can't see her._

Relenting on the abuse to the thick wood, I navigated to the glass window, pressing my forehead against it. Tears cascaded. I repeatedly whispered Emily's name as the doctors struggled to make the monitor pick up on a trace of something. Anything. The muffled seconds ticked away in the span of seasons and years. "I love you," I cried out in blubbering agony, drenching the glass with my tears, my fingers smudging into fists.

_I don't want to see this. I can't watch this happen. This isn't happening_.

My legs ached to bolt, but the ring on my finger pressed tightly into my locked grasp. It commanded me to stay.

_"I've never not wanted you. I'm not running anymore, ever again."_

_"Is that a promise?"_

"I swear," I whispered aloud as the scene from last night replayed for a moment in my head, and I kept myself watching, pushing my body as close to the glass as I could get it.

I tried to catch a glimpse of her, my Emily, but the doctors had her completely surrounded. I could hear the siren cry of the booster once the crash cart was switched on, and in another moment I heard a muffled, "Clear!" and Emily's body spasmed upward from the electric shock that ran through her body. I covered my mouth in a shrieking gasp at the unholy scene. There was another screech and another "Clear!" and it was like the worst case of deja vous I'd ever experienced. Her lithe body hurtled forward one more time and this time...it took. The heart monitor started beeping again and the entire team let out a sigh of relief.

I collapsed like a puddle onto the hospital floor. I was sobbing so hard that it was like I'd found the goggles in the alley all over again. "She's alive," I heard myself say. The door clicked and I was on my feet ready to go in and clasp my body down onto hers, but they were pulling her gurney out as I was barely scrambling to stand. "Wait! Where are you going? Where are you taking her?!" I reached toward her through the body of someone stopping me from following down the hall. "Emily!"

"They need to take her in for some tests. That was a pretty nasty episode she just had." The same nurse who had awoken me this morning was giving me a rather stern glare that it was the final word on the matter.

"What happened?" I heard her voice say behind me. A shiver flew down my spine at the apparitional sound. I turned to Katie whose doe eyes matched the ones of the woman who nearly...

...on shaky legs I walked over to Katie, attempting and failing to sit her down in a nearby chair, to explain where Emily was.

"She died," Katie breathed. The words were like gunshots in my ears, and I had to fight back the truth in them.

"Her heart stopped. She didn't die," I corrected forcefully. "They're taking her in to have some kind of examination. I don't know. They don't talk to me much." The emotional trauma had taken its toll and I was back to being insurmountably exhausted. I made my way back into Emily's room and sat down in the same chair that I had previously refused to leave. Nothing had happened before I left this chair, and I vowed to never leave it again.

_**Ten Days**_

People talked to me. Rather they attempted to talk _at _me. "Naomi, if you can't keep staring at her like she's going to evaporate. If you don't actually move or blink or fuck, do _something_ then they're going to cart you off." The bitterness that dripped from her lips made my stomach turn but I couldn't do anything else. I just sat there. Sat on that cot and stared at Emily ever since they had brought her back from intensive care yesterday morning. They had attempted to uproot me. Twice. Saying that she would probably be moved to another room, but I had refused to budge. Eventually, for whatever reason, my logic won out and she was carted back to room 403. Where I was waiting. And so I waited. And waited. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I just...stared.

A pair of strong arms lifted me from under my arms. "You fucking stink, you're taking a shower." I moaned, but could do little else in protest. Katie drug me into the patient shower that was adjacent to Emily's room, and started taking my clothes off. Normally I would've punched her for even attempting something so personal, but I just stood there. Let her undress me. Let her push me under the first freezing and then lukewarm water. She pulled the curtain closed and I waited for the door to click. "I'm not leaving in case you try to drown yourself." Some part of my brain smiled at the quip, and I heard her sit atop the loo.

The water cascaded down in pelts, harder than the shower I had at home. The home I had invited Emily back into...to share with me...to be ours again. Katie said I wasn't dealing. The last thing I said three days ago was, "There's nothing to deal with," before my entire body and mind shut down.

My eyes shut under the spray and all I could see was her. Just like every other time. That's why it didn't do any good to talk, or eat, or sleep, or even go outside and have a fag despite my body practically screaming at me for one, because every part of my body had been invaded by Emily Fitch. And she was dying. She wasn't getting any better.

I hadn't let myself even think it. But she was. She is.

_She's dying._

Slumping down in the shower I let the tears come back that had abandoned me just a few days ago. I was glad when Katie didn't try to comfort me. She just let me cry.

After about an hour, when I was sure I'd frozen my tits off, I stepped out of the shower. Katie had attempted to dry me off but I took the towel from her. "I brought a few things. Just...keep them." She stepped out of the washroom and left me to it. It felt strange wearing Katie's clothes, even if they were just a t-shirt and jeans. I didn't know the girl had such low key taste anywhere in her wardrobe. The floor in Emily's room was bitterly cold, so I opted for the chair instead of the cot so I could pull my legs up off the floor. I went back to staring. Katie was on her phone.

"How can you be so blasé about this whole thing?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Fuck you," she spat without looking up at her phone. "I'm going through it too, you know."

"Sure as shit aren't acting like it." Katie exhaled through her nose loud enough to blow the tip of a tissue not far away.

"She's going to wake up," she said with such finality that it was the first time I truly saw anyone other than Emily as my head turned in her direction. She still hadn't looked up from her phone.

"How do you-?"

"Same reason you do. She's a part of me."

We left it at that.

_**Two Weeks**_

She shoved a book under my nose, and I unceremoniously read the title. "They say people in a coma can hear everything going on around them. Katie said you're not talking." She waved the book in front of me, apparently asking me to take it. Sighing, Effy took a seat opposite me and opened the book.

"Quentin did a magic trick. Nobody noticed. They picked their way along the cold, uneven sidewalk together: James, Julia, and Quentin. James and Julia held hands-"

"What're you doing here, Effy?" The only blue eyes in all of Bristol, and possibly the entire British Isles, more mysterious than mine bore into me. She opened her mouth, and I assumed she was going to answer my question, but instead her focus returned to the page.

"-that's how things were now." Her eyes cocked back up to mine. She licked her lips and turned her eyes downward for a second time. "The sidewalk wasn't quite wide enough, so Quentin trailed after them, like a sulky child. He would rather have been alone with Julia, or just alone period, but you can't have everything." I snatched the book from her lap and turned her chair toward me, forcing her eyes back into mine. Effy Stonem never scared me.

"Why are you here?" I demanded. She wasn't Emily's friend. She was barely mine.

"Why not." Her reply was simple, and she shot me one of those trademark Stonem smiles that she seemed to think could silence any bird of prey. But I wasn't falling victim.

"You're never where you don't mean to be." The stoic mystery of my own statement took me aback as I answered my own question. Relenting my hold on her chair, I fell back into mine and turned back to Emily. She'd gotten thinner.

"Or at least the available evidence pointed overwhelmingly to that conclusion," Effy continued.

I had no idea where she got the book, but I let her read for about an hour before my hands did something I had not at all commanded them to. I took the book. And I read to Emily.

"Afterward, Quentin couldn't remember much of the rest of that night, except that he spent it there at the school. He was exhausted, and weak, like he'd been drugged. His chest felt hollowed out and empty. He wasn't even hungry anymore, just desperate to sleep. It was embarrassing, but nobody seemed to mind."

_**One Month**_

It was only the third time I had seen Jenna in Emily's room and this time she was speaking in hushed voices with a doctor. A nurse who was affectionately rubbed her back. I definitely didn't like waking up to the sight of it. Yet it wasn't my voice that challenged the morose tone they were setting in the room.

"What's going on, then?" Katie insisted, walking into the room with a bottle of water and package of biscuits in her hand. She shoved them in my direction, dropping them in my lap. "Here," she grumbled discontentedly. Jenna looked like she was trying to speak but was stumbling. "Out with it, mum!"

"The doctor was just explaining to me that...there could be...at this stage...irreversible brain damage."

"The doctor says a lot of things," Katie spat, eyeing him down with the force of a lioness.

"It's different this time, Katie," the man with the balding head and white coat muttered, sighing as if he cared. I knew he was just tired. "After Emily's crash...the second one...the vitals haven't changed or improved. There's a possibility that Emily won't-"

"She will!" I insisted, finally finding my voice amongst the sea of doubt that flooded the room. I would stand but I knew I'd immediately collapse from the cramps that were settling in my knees from having fallen asleep in the chair yet again. "Emily is going to wake up!"

"So? So what if it isn't any time soon? Why are you looking at her like that?" Katie had closed the distance between her and her mother considerably.

"We shouldn't discuss this while _she's_ in the room," Jenna muttered, casting Katie a look that threatened not to be pushed. Throwing the food onto the table, I stood. I had to hold myself up, but I was fucking up.

"No, you're going to discuss what you need to right here, right now, in my very presence." The venom in my voice insisted that whatever spell Jenna was trying to cast down at her daughter's wavering eyes would not be met with the same surrender in mine. If it concerned Emily, it concerned me. That was the bottom line. She hadn't been the one here holding Emily's hand, stroking her face, kissing her cheek, weeping into her bed sheets. Where the fuck had Emily's mother been? Where?!

"The doctor thinks at this stage we should discuss..." The words looked like they were going to suffocate her. She eyed down my trembling, half-starved, half-exhausted form, and the steel resolve reserved for one Naomi Campbell, lesbian bitch who stole and turned her daughter, overtook whatever human emotion she was nearly exhibiting. As her mouth opened, Katie's voice broke through instead.

"Fuck you!" she squealed at the top of her lungs. "No! No, you're not pulling her plug!" My hands gripped the sheets beneath my fingertips and Emily's hand slid toward mine. I was so furious I didn't know where to begin but Katie was handling it fine for me. She whirled on the doctor and barked, pointing a finger near his glasses, "If you don't get the fuck out of here right the fuck now I'm going to have your fucking ass thrown in the clink!" The doctor appeared to have more sense than to try to instate his views to the twin, so he made his way out of the recovery room. Katie followed behind him and slammed the door at his exit, causing her mother to jump. "She's in there! She's fighting for her very fucking life and you just want to what? Give up on her?!"

"Katie, sweetheart-"

"Don't you sweetheart me, you fucking cow!" Katie rounded on me. "Don't you have anything to say?"

"She doesn't have a right of anything to say," Jenna spat in both of our directions. "The two of you will not gang up on me! I'm Emily's mother! I will decide-"

"You abandoned her, Jenna," I pressed, "I abandoned her. Katie abandoned her. And at least on my part...I'm never doing that again. If I age right here in this room, I'm going to be by Emily's side when she wakes up and she _is __**going **_to wake up." I heard the crack in Katie's voice signal the tears that were being forced back into her throat.

"She's a part of me, mum. Don't you get it? You don't get to decide, because I know. I know Emily wants to come back to us. I can feel it every fucking second of every fucking day even when I don't want to anymore, even when it's too much. You don't get to decide, because she already has."

Jenna and I both stood there, both of us at a loss. For completely different reasons. There was no more talk on the matter. Katie Fucking Fitch had spoken.

_**Five Weeks**_

They took her off the tracheal tube and ventilator three days ago. It was the first time since the accident that I was able to see her face. Even under the pale fluorescent lights, and in spite of the sallow tint that her skin had adopted, and the slight brown hue her roots that were emerging beneath her fiery red hair...she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I hadn't spoken to her directly in days...not since I'd finished the book that Effy had brought by. Emily's crash had taken it out of me, even with Katie and Effy stopping by on occasion the place was starting to congeal my blood. A hospital was the most depressing place on earth.

I figured I'd all but given up smoking, considering I hadn't seen actual sunlight since we were both whisked in here. My body still shook with the cravings occasionally, but I'd remained firm, merely biting the inside of my cheek or wringing my hands soaking wet. I wasn't leaving this bedside.

From my usual seat I clasped Emily's hand, trying to think of something grandiose or witty to say. "I love looking at you," I began. "I know how creepy that sounds but...if I didn't know any better...I'd say you and I were back at ours...curled up in our bed...and I'd be thinking of stealing a few moments of your slumber from you just so that I could be the one to wake you up." I extended my free hand up toward her brow and gently traced the outline of her forehead to her brow and down to her cheeks. It felt good to fully stroke her face after the disappearance of the medical tape. She honestly looked like she had just fallen off a ladder, or tripped and fell, or maybe partied into an overzealous crowd. It was nothing that a little peroxide and attending to couldn't sort. "Please wake up, Emily," I heard myself beg for the thousandth time. "I'm here...I'm waiting for you...I love you..."

Standing, I pressed my lips against Emily's forehead. And nearly had a heart attack. She flinched. I felt Emily flinch beneath my kiss. I tore my eyes down to meet eyelashes that were beginning to flutter. I was having a heart attack because the muscle was pounding so loudly in my chest that I could feel and hear it everywhere else. "Emily..." I whispered, feeling both light and heavy all within the same moment. And then I saw them. With agonizing lag, I was met with brown irises that slowly began to take in everything around her. "Emily..." I whispered yet again, on the verge of tears, but unable to shed any as her eyes flickered toward me. Her dried lips cracked a small smile and I was certain that I'd drop dead from happiness. "Katie!" I called out over my shoulder. "Katie she's awake!"

The clambering inside the nearby bathroom was met with a crash as Katie stumbled out of the loo. "Emsy!" she cried, practically ripping her jeans up around her waist as she flew to Emily's side. Those brown eyes smiled down and reached for her sister, her lips saying her name despite no voice being added. A pang of jealousy crept into my heart that she hadn't reached for me, but I chocked it up to shock, meds, whatever else was coarsing through her awakening mind. Tears were streaming down her twin's face as she took Emily's hand and began kissing it. She began babbling at her in their twin language I had heard them use a handful of times, and Emiy must've understood because she smiled right back at her through laden eyes, her head lulling up and down in a nod. I wanted to reach out and kiss and touch every part of her like I had been doing every second of the day for the last thirty plus days. But I was immobile, too overcome with...what I couldn't pinpoint.

She opened and closed her mouth several times, her throat contracting as she tried to swallow. "The doctor said she wouldn't be able to talk when she woke up. The muscles aren't functioning yet," Katie informed me, handing Emily a pad of paper and a marker. "Can you write Emsy?" She looked like it was taking her a moment to focus but eventually, Emily gripped the marker well enough to tell us what she wanted. I watched her draw the lines.

'Who?'

What happened next...I couldn't try to relay the panic in my veins if I tried. But Emily Fitch pointed to the word...and then pointed right back at me.

"Emily..." I whispered, already denying what was happening.

"Who am I, Emily?" Katie asked. It looked like it took a lot of effort, but Emily slowly wrote out. 'K-A-T-I-E.'

I was going to faint. Any second now, my legs were finally going to say 'fuck it all!' and completely give way and I'd be in another bed down the hall. Again, Emily pointed to the word just above Katie's name, and then pointed...right back at me.

After just thirty-seven days, I broke my promise. I turned out of the door. And I ran.


	4. Play Me A Song, Your Newest One

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: The reviews I've received have truly meant the world to me, and every one has been taken to heart. I am stoked you guys are enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it. I do love hearing from all of you, good and bad so please, continue. And stick with me, I am doing my best not to stamp out my creative flow but also, I am being conscious of presenting things in a timely manner. Bear with me, it's all going to be worth it. I promise.**

**Oh yes since I haven't given one of these already: I don't own "Skins," um...duh?**

**CHAPTER FOUR: Play Me A Song, Your Newest One**

_I didn't take MDMA that night, I just wanted to kiss you. I want to kiss you now...I think you can do anything...Well, I do want you, so be brave and want me back...I wanna tell people, about us...I love-her, ok?...You've ruined it...We were special...I love you..._

_Don't lie._

I was drowning. I knew my lungs were inhaling and exhaling because the tightening in my chest wasn't suggesting anything else, but I was certain I was drowning. The shadows of Emily's words were filling me up and pulling me under. My head was pressed against the brick grain of the hospital as tears cascaded down my face. I wanted to continue to flee, to sprint home and bury myself in my sheets. But I knew even after the barren time, they would smell of Emily, of our last night together...everything in that house still had Emily embroidered in it.

_What's happening. This can't be happening. Please make this __**stop **__happening..._

Drowning switched to choking as I began to cough and sink down against the cold, gusting wind. I'd left without anything more than an oversized shirt and some trainers, and my body was unsure which was causing it to shake more, the freeze or the explosion in my chest. I couldn't get my heart to slow down, fuck I couldn't even make myself breathe.

_She didn't know me. She doesn't... know...__**me**__..._

Arms lifted me up, pulling me through puddles that soaked my shoes. My head whipped around, Effy had her fingers dug into my shoulders and was dragging me with all her might toward the hospital entrance. "Effy!" I cried, trying but failing to walk of my own accord. "Effy, no! Effy what the fuck are you doing?!"

Climbing yet another stairwell, we were halfway to the fourth floor before I was able to get a good hold on Effy's locked fingers. For being no bigger than a waif she had one helluva grip. "Effy!" I barked, yanking myself free and nearly running into a medicine cart. "Don't!" She whirled on me, and I had never seen a look more ferocious on a girl normally so frigid in her emotive intentions.

"I don't know what went on in there," she spat, inches from my face, "I don't know what you're thinking. But it doesn't fucking matter. You get your ass back in that recovery room and-"

"She doesn't know who I am!" I finished, refusing to let her continue. "She knows who Katie is. But she doesn't know me." The sea in Effy's eyes began to blow tidal waves.

"So you make her remember." The drowning feeling had returned at Effy's impossible request.

"I-I don't even know what's going on-"

"You're pulling a Naomi Campbell. You're running. You're letting that old you regain control. Fight her. Emily doesn't deserve this again."

Resigning myself to an Effy-induced fate, I reached my hand out and allowed myself to be drug back up the rest of the stairs. "So pulling a 'Naomi Campbell' is a thing huh?"

The deja vous was hitting me again. The first time I walked into this room, my head was seconds from bursting, and I had to steady myself with any nearby planted object. Now I was gripping Effy's hand for the very same reasons. The brunette's persistence had landed me at the shut door, forcing me to look through the glass instead. She was surrounded by her family happily making a fuss over her. My cheeks burned at the look of joy on Jenna's face at seeing her daughter. Emily's hands were locked around her mum's as her tired smile radiated up at her. To think, Jenna almost did away with that smile forever.

_Obviously knows everyone else._

"Come on," Effy insisted, unlatching the door, and leading me in with a hand to the small of my back.

"Wait," I pleaded, but allowed myself to be guided in anyway. Internally, I was chastising myself for being so weak. Externally, my body was shaking with resounding fear.

Heads slowly turned as our presence was gradually recognized. Emily's being the last. Her bed had been elevated in the last few minutes, probably so that she wouldn't have to strain to receive any kind of affection. Brown eyes bore straight into me, and a hint of a smile crossed her face. It was friendly, but it wasn't loving. It was the most penetrating dagger Emily Fitch had ever cast into me. The entire Fitch clan stared at me silently, until Katie bypassed her twin's bed and pulled me by the arm toward a corner of the room.

"Where were you?" she spat in a venomous whisper, turning her back so Emily couldn't see how furious she was with me.

"I-"

"If you hadn't run you little twat, you would've been here when the doctor came around." My swollen eyes tried to focus on Katie's gaze as she continued. "It's selective amnesia. He said it happens sometimes. She's blocking out some of her most traumatic events because there is still swelling on...some part of the brain...he lost me after that."

Most traumatic events. Our relationship was...traumatic to her? Had I really done that much damage to my beautifully, brave angel?

"She doesn't remember certain things. Like she thinks the two of us have this...blissfully happy, perfect twin relationship, and even though that's all I've ever wanted from her..that's not the way things are." I had to swallow three times and lick my lips a good dozen before I found my voice.

"Is it permanent?" I could see the worry and remorse in Katie's face as it twitched. She shrugged, unable to give me a verbal answer.

"She's awake." Effy had at some point walked around and placed a comforting hand on my shoulder. Emily's the one who just fought her way back from death. Why was anyone comforting me?

Those reflective pools of brown had found me in my collapsible corner, and for a moment I let myself get lost in them. The pang of grief that had caused me to bolt was being accosted with an overwhelming sense of passion, and the urge to kiss the lips that I had yet to give me any reciprocative love in over a month. How could she not know me?

_It's too much._

"Can-can I talk to the doctor?" I finally decided. My eyes pleaded with Effy not to leave my side while this happened. The neutral enigmatic energy of the slender brunette was somehow strengthening, at least she wasn't afraid to clock me over the head if I tried another sprinter's attempt.

"Don't you think you should talk to Emily first?" I shook my head as I saw Katie near the edge of Emily's bed, tone deaf to Effy's seemingly obvious question. This spot was safe for me right now. As if my wish were instantaneously granted, the same dark-headed man in a white coat walked through the door, fumbling with his stethoscope as he approached Emily's bed.

"Good to see you back with us, Miss Fitch," he muttered, placing her chart in the slot at the foot of the bed. "I think it's best we keep her for a few days for observation, make sure the swelling goes down properly, but you should be able to take her home in three to four days." Emily reached for the notepad laying atop her stomach and wrote in big letters.

'You're. Shitting. Me.' The dry, 'what the hell?' look she was placating in the doctor's direction made me smile. I felt fresh tears trickling down my face at seeing remnants of herself flicker back into her actions.

"Sounds like someone's anxious to get back home," Effy muttered to me, twirling a loose cigarette in between her fingers, clearly itching to light the thing up.

"A home that isn't with me," I bitterly reminded both Effy...and myself. Once the doctor was finished filling Jenna and Rob in with details about medications and arrangements, I followed him out the door. He was halfway down the hall before I was able to catch up. My hand caught his elbow as I bade his attention.

"Miss Campbell, I thought I'd see you looking a bit more pleased at Emily's state." My hands clutched at the same top that Katie had given me several days ago, mouth opening and closing several times before I could properly formulate the statement. By that time I could see he was glowering down at me for taking up his time.

"Is there-is there any chance she could-?"

"Remember?" he concluded for me. He sighed as his head bobbed down a bit in my direction. I hadn't noticed before now how tall he was. "I don't recommend trying to jar anything too quickly. Memories...over time...have a way of resurfacing." Something about the way he was speaking to me felt off. My eyes narrowed as I searched for why, until the obvious conclusion collided with my own swollen brain.

"You're just trying to make me feel better." His feet shifted uncomfortably, but he didn't immediately deny it.

"If there's the possibility of memories returning, which isn't always, there's no telling how long it would take. If she's pushed too hard, Miss Campbell...things could take a turn for the worse instead of the better."

"Th-thank you," I replied, turning my back on him and making my way back into Emily's room. I didn't look at anyone, merely gathered my things, and wasn't at all surprised when I felt two sets of hands on my shoulders. One on my left was tender and empathetic, the other on my right was clutching and violent.

"You-" I met Katie's eyes and the tears in my own were furious.

"Take care of your sister, Katie."

"That's what I'm trying to do, bitch." I shook my head, pulling the bag onto my shoulder. As I made my way toward the door, a tiny whimper cracked through my heart like a fire whip.

"Wait-"

Frozen where I stood, I looked over my shoulder. Emily was forcing herself up to an incline, Jenna instantly trying to force her to lie back down. It must've hurt her to speak, but she'd somehow managed it as her now pleading eyes sought an explanation to the scene that was unfolding around her. Sweet, beautiful, empathetic Emily Fitch. Even if she didn't know what was going on, she couldn't bear the thought of another human being in pain. So many things she did to make mine, and everyone's lives, so much brighter. And most of what I had repaid her was just...pain...

_"I'll miss you." Her words had gripped me and riveted my feet where I stood. Turning on my heel, my lips drove me toward my purpose. To kissing Emily senseless, to relieve the pounding ache that three words had punched in my stomach. Emily's breath hitched as our bodies slammed against the lockers, the sound of them not nearly as loud as the locking of our lips as they heatedly explored one another. Emily's hands were in my hair and I couldn't kiss her hard or fast enough. _

She was sitting up all the way, sloughing her mom's hands and arms off her. Another hand was on my shoulder, one that I know had never touched me. Rob Fitch's fatherly, devoted expression was peering down at me, offering me nothing other than comfort. Not telling me to go, not telling me to stay. Eyes wiser than my own. For reasons I couldn't even properly relay myself, I turned, and approached Emily's bed.

_"I can't stand it I just can't." The longing in my voice surprised me, but it only seemed to stir Emily further. My admission was a clear crack in my walls, an undeniable plea to take the red-head in that very moment...regardless of the consequences..._

Her eyes were brimming with clandestine frustration as her eyes expectantly found mine again. She didn't know why she was crying, and I was so tired of making Emily cry.

_"It's ok. It's ok." A noise had broken the mood, signaling the fast approach of someone from around the corner. I felt my core ignite and my cheeks flush. I had to have Emily. Despite everything I had just said, if I wasn't buried deep within her in the next few minutes I was pretty sure I was going go blind from wanting desire._

I forced my best smile as I extended my hand toward her. "Naomi Campbell," I whispered, holding back the beginnings of yet another hysterical breakdown, "it is so very nice to meet you Emily." Her hand curled around mine as she returned the smile I was projecting toward her, and my heart nearly exploded from the contact. Emily's hand was visceral and her fingers were curled in my own.

"Hello," her weak voice replied, dripping with sincerity. Her eyes lulled as the pain medication began to rob her of her senses.

"Emily, sweetheart, please, lean back, get your rest." Emily's brows scrunched amongst Jenna's finally winning insistence. This entire exchange was clearly frustrating and confusing for her. As our hands unraveled, my heart pounded against my chest, clenching against my ribcage as I watched Emily lay back down, her eyes refusing to leave mine.

"I'll see you," I blurted out before I could stop myself. It seemed to satisfy her, as she finally complied to her mom's request, and her eyes closed atop the bleached white pillow. Once our gaze was broken, I turned from her bed, and followed my original plan and headed for the nearest exit, mentally kicking myself for the last words out of my mouth. I had no idea if I had just lied to her...again.

Gray clouds followed me down the street. I walked probably a mile before my underused legs were screaming at me for reprieve. I didn't want to be around anyone, even a cabbie, but eventually my arm was out hailing a taxi to drive me the rest of the way home. My body shifted and bumped over the potholes in the road, but my eyes remained fixed out the window as the streets passed by in a blur. A blur drenched in a fog of red.

The few steps leading to my front stoop clung to my feet like quicksand. My longing memory revisited the memory of us five weeks ago that saw us pressed against the door, hands pleading for access to the other's body. As the image faded, it became harder to fit the key into the lock. Only now for a completely opposing reason. When I opened the door, I found a very perturbed and haphazard Gina Campbell in the kitchen. Her back was turned to me, so it allotted me a minute to take in the appearance of the place. The entire flat had been cleaned, clothes no doubt washed and properly sorted, glass swept away, and furniture returned to its place. The sound of the door shutting behind me eventually alerted her to my presence. Her distraught eyes met my worn frame and she strode toward me, wiping her hands on the dishtowel that was draped over her shoulder.

She'd called me once she arrived back in Bristol, finding her place in the state that it was, but her tone hadn't been furious, just distraught. A monotone voice that didn't sound like it belonged to me at all filled her in on Emily's condition and that I would be at the hospital. She'd asked I'd wanted her there. I had told her I wasn't even sure where 'there' was, like some pining, enigmatic twat. Now I had to face another set of concerned eyes, when my own were just wanting to shut and not open for a year...a decade...that seemed about right. Luckily, mum sensed my lack of motivation to do anything that didn't involve merely existing at the moment, and took my bag from me. "Get a shower, luv, dinner will be ready soon." I wanted to argue with her, give her some usual snotty retort, roll my eyes, anything. But there was nothing. An air full of nothing.

My feet were begging me to stop, just fucking stop, and collapse. Collapsing is all I had been doing, I didn't know how much further I could sink. In the privacy of my own room, I had hoped to obtain some kind of sanctuary. Instead I felt like spiraling all over again. Emily's clothes were sprawled everywhere, and the phantom hint of her scent still lingered in the air. Just like I knew it would. Emily had a way of permeating the aura of any place she graced...at least any place where her aura could intertwine with mine.

Slumping to the ground, my head lulled back against the bed. I couldn't look at the remnants of where I last held my girlfriend, where we had made love and whispered promises of forgiveness and continuance. My brain was mush and my body was barely awake, nothing was able to process except for the one blinding truth: Emily Fitch had no idea who I was. What I meant to her. And therefore these remains meant nothing at their core.

My phone vibrated twice in my pocket. Shaking, my hand pulled it up to my eyes as I read the text from Effy. "Home?"

"Yes."

As I stared at my phone, I realized Katie had mumbled something to me on my way out. Something about Emily's things, getting them? Her phone. She'd asked for Emily's phone. Only now was I realizing that she must've left it instead of taking it with her that morning. I pushed the downward arrow until Emily's name was highlighted, I didn't have the energy to search the room, to go through her things. I knew it'd break me again, and there wasn't anything left to break. One ring in I heard Florence's voice hum through the silence...

_"In the arms of the ocean, so sweet and so cold_

_And all this devotion, I never knew at all..."_

I reached under the bed where the sound was coming from and found her phone almost immediately.

_"...and the crashes are heaven, for a sinner released,_

_then the arms of the ocean deliver me..."_

My own name was flashing at me, as well as a picture I was never aware Emily had taken. She must've taken it the day we went to the pier, because I was staring out over the nearby bay, looking completely peaceful. It was always the shy ones who could capture us at our most open and vulnerable. Tears coming to my eyes, I looked at myself, looked at the phone, saw my name...listened to the song Emily had chosen as my ringtone...

_"Never let me go, never let me go..._

_Never let me go, never let me go..."_

She'd kept it. In spite of my hurtful lies and her unabashedly torturous behavior, she'd kept this melody and these words locked away in her own private carriage of hope. Hope that I would come running back to her. That I would fucking wake up and fight for her like she'd been pleading for me to do. To awaken to the blindingly obvious: I'd always come for her. My fingers covered my lips as the tears resurfaced. I was so tired of crying, I was so tired of missing her...

_I just miss my Emily._

**FINAL AUTHOR'S NOTE**:  watch?v=8VwFDAWU9UI **not mine. by MaxLizLove. This broke through my writer's block for the end. The entire channel is pretty incredible, one of the best fanvid collections I've ever seen, Naomily or otherwise.**


	5. Happy To Know You

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Skins" nor am I affliated with it so...don't sue me ok. It's fanfiction.**

**CHAPTER FIVE: Happy To Know You**

I remained curled into the floor for several hours. Once I had cried every rational and irrational feeling into the pools of water now soaking my carpet, I did my best to process everything that had happened in the long arduous days since...well since really I found Emily back at that nightclub. Sitting with that box and breaking open the pandora's effects on our lives.

_You've ruined it...you don't want anyone to care..._

I thought I had put all these emotions into their own private compartments in my heart, but the longer I lay there the more they wanted to explode and play with the rest of my thoughts and memories. Mum had come and knocked on the door forever ago, asking me if I was hungry, insisting I needed to eat, but having the sense not to let herself in on my wallowing. She knew her teenage daughter better than that. I'd replied with only silence as I continued to stare at Emily's phone.

I had sent Katie a message from it not long ago, letting her know she could come by and retrieve it...as well as whatever else Emily needed. I had no idea what Emily needed anymore, and that only left me at one staggering, haulting conclusion:

_Where do I go from here?_

_If there's the possibility of memories returning, which isn't always, there's no telling how long it would take. If she's pushed too hard, Miss Campbell...things could take a turn for the worse instead of the better._

Worse? How the fuck could anything possibly get worse?

_Emily could've never woken up. Emily could've died in the hospital. Emily could've died right there on the street_.

Covering my eyes, I willed all the "what if's" and "right now's" and everything else to just shut up. Just fucking shut up for a minute. I didn't want to think anymore, I didn't want to feel...if this is what it took to be brave then maybe-

"Naomi," a voice came through the door, "darling, may I come in." The handle turned. Maybe mum wasn't as smart as she had previously led me to believe. I keep staring up at the ceiling as I was joined on the floor, mum taking to sitting Indian style not far off. At first there was nothing but silence, so she began to run her hands through my hair affectionately. I just fetal-positioned myself against her lap, my head resting atop her knee. "Katie's downstairs," Gina whispered, "told her I'd come up here and fetch you. But you can keep her waiting if you'd like."

"I'd like," I found myself saying, not really caring if the slightly older Fitch girl was in a rush. So mum just continued to pet my hair, she being one of two people who even knew it was a way to calm me down and get me to open up. After a few minutes it worked... "Emily has selective memory loss," I informed her, "doctor says she's blocking out traumatic memories...which apparently includes-"

"You," mum finished for me, and her chest deflated in a loaded sigh. It's a little unnerving how a mother can do finish their child's thoughts like that, and any other time it would annoy the shit out of me, but the less I had to explain about my current downward spiral the better.

"Tell me it will get better," I pleaded, seeking some kind of wisdom from the woman that once told me to abandon all my fears and take the plunge into loving the woman who now didn't know me from Eve. "I need to hear something mum I...I don't know what to do-"

"Why are you questioning your place in Emily's life?"

_Can't things ever be complicated?...Do you think I'd shag some random girl behind your back?...I was scared!...I'll do anything...Mum's coming back next week, maybe you should go..._

"She was always too good for me."

"Fuck off, Naomi, dear," mum muttered, the tiniest hint of a laugh in her voice. Her hand stopped mid-stroke as she leaned back, "That's just another one of your excuses. You and I both know that's not true, and I don't think Emily ever thought that for a second. She sought you out. She never gave up on you. Why are you?"

"It's what I do!" I sat up frantically, eyeing my mom down both with questions and answers that have been flooding my head for days. "All I've ever done to Emily is hurt her. Why else would she be blocking me out of her memory?"

"Not like the poor thing can help it, now can she?" Gina's mouth tightened, "Maybe you have given her cause for heartache, and from what little I know, I can imagine there's quite a bit of it." Her hand reached over and took mine. "But I also know my daughter. I know how big your heart is, and how ferociously you love that girl. You spent the last month not leaving her bedside, waiting there anxiously for her to return to you. And she did. Now for fuck's sake, Naomi, climb out of your room and start this process all over again. As big and daunting as it seems, you can't live in regret, and that's all that awaits you if you shut her out now." Biting my bottom lip I revealed my deepest fear...insistent on kicking the old Naomi to the curb on a permanent, well, at least semi-permanent, basis.

"She may never remember."

I held mum's gaze for a solid moment, allowing the statement to settle in the air. Eventually her head moved from side to side just the tiniest bit. And words weren't needed.

I rose to my feet, grabbing Emily's phone and headed downstairs to meet Katie. She was in the kitchen, helping herself to the tea mum no doubt had prepped for her, sensing it may take her a little while to coax me out of hiding.

Crossing to the table, I placed Emily's phone in front of her sister. "Call me when you lot bring her home, yeah?" Katie opened her mouth as if she were going to protest that Emily would need her rest, or she didn't want me complicating anything, possibly a slew of other explanations, but my hand raised and a firm stare brought her lips to a resounding close. _Holy shit I just shut up Katie Fitch with my hand._ My moment of pride was lost on its own double entendre. _Fuck you, brain... _"Just want to see her. Think that'd be all right with you?" I laced my final statement with a bit of usual bite that had been a quasi-normal occurrence between the two of us.

"Tosser," Katie groaned, grabbing the phone and heading to the door.

"Katie!" I called back, not having received an answer. As the sounds of the streets echoed in the hallway at the opening door, Katie's voice shot back.

"Yeah, all right, whatever..." Three days. If I hadn't heard from Katie in three days, then I would just have to invite myself over. Which I knew none of them wanted so...for everyone's benefit...I hoped she kept her word.

I spent the better part of the next forty-eight hours trying to decipher how I could even begin to broach this situation and subject. "Hi Emily, we met at the hospital and surprise I'm your girlfriend, and we've had lots and lots of great sex. Fancy a romp?" "Hi Emily, I know you don't remember me but-" "Hi Emily, you're gay, did you know? Because I am, and I'll bet you can put two and two together here-" "Hi Emily-" "Hi-" Each and every scenario turned out worse than the first. Obviously.

The only conclusion I could come to, if a conclusion was even what my pathetic plan of trepidation could be called, was I fucking loved that girl. And I was just getting the chance to do something about it, right proper this time. Fix what I broke, fix what we both later scattered, and just...try...

It was exhausting at times with nothing to do but sit in my head and wait. Which is why I didn't turn Effy away when she showed up at my doorstep bright and early one morning. Bright and early, if that's what 3am means...like I was sleeping anyway. She'd just come right in through the open front door, as if she lived there. Found me sitting at the kitchen table and lit up a spliff. Neither of us looked at the other for a long while until I finally offered her some tea. I didn't fancy any myself, but I did have manners...at least with people whose opinions occasionally mattered to me. She just took another drag, her eyes focusing intently on the table. Nothing in particular on it, just the table itself. It was extraordinarily strange, even for Effy. Her body started to twitch and for a moment I was worried that she might be having some kind of...episode...or relapse...or whatever they'd sent the brunette away for the first time. Attempted suicide? I resisted the urge to reach my hand over to her, and instead just...waited. Waited with Effy for what drew on to the better part of an hour.

"Freddie's dead," she finally said, breaking the air like a bomb. Her voice wasn't raised but it sounded like she had shouted. I slumped even further into my chair, my mouth opening to ask questions, but Effy's lips just licked themselves as she ashed and continued, "they found his body haphazardly buried in Doctor Foster's house. They also found Doctor Foster." Another inhale, the cherry brightened. "Cook's skipped town. Sent me a text, 'It's goodbye for now.'"

"When?" I was finally able to stutter.

"I found out not long after Emily's accident." Smoke exhaled through her pursed lips as she continued to stare at the table.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Effy shrugged.

"Would any of you have listened?"

"Freddie was murdered, of course I would have!" I was on my feet before I had an opportunity to stop myself. "Do you think I'm some sort of heartless cunt?!" Another thought cascaded through my mind. "Does Katie know?" Effy's tongue languidly passed over her bottom lip and her eyes darted to the side. "Does anyone?" If it was possible, her blue eyes pushed even further as her crossed legs begin to shake up and down. She was going to crack on me any moment and I had no idea how to handle a broken Effy Stonem.

"Do you think I am?"

"What?"

"A heartless cunt?"

"Why would I?"

"Because it's been over a month and I haven't even cried." My ass found the chair again. "It's been over a month...and I know...and it hurts so...so badly...and I haven't even cried." Her eyes locked on mine. "At first I thought it was a side effect from the meds. As soon as I-I stopped taking them. I didn't want anything in my system that _he_ put there. Maybe the side effects have side effects-I don't-I can't-" Her face scrunched and her throat was choking but within minutes it all shriveled back up inside her. As if the emotion had disippated right out of the top of her head, and her lips were ensnared on the paper yet again. "See," she confessed.

Completely agog as to how I was supposed to continue, I extended my hand and placed it above her shaking knee. It stopped instantaneously. "I could always pinch you. Or punch you. In the face. Knee you in the twat. Really, we could go down an entire avenue here, Effy, no holds barred, full-tilt pussy-fight aggression. Though, mum would probably prefer we wrestle it out in the backyard, considering she just got this flat cleaned."

_That...that was probably the most inappropriate-_

But she laughed. Her eyes twinkled up and Effy laughed. It was infectious. For the first time well over I couldn't remember when, I heard my own voice join in another's with soul-releasing humor. Once we started, we were completely unable to stop. It hadn't even been that funny, hell it really wasn't funny at all considering the earth-shattering news I was going to have to deal with in just a few moments when the laughter subsided. But fuck it felt good not to be drowning in that pit anymore. I was far beyond completely surfacing...but at least now...maybe..._both_ of us had started to swim against the current.

The minute my eyes opened the next day I had my phone in my hand and my fingers were flying over the keys. "Is she coming home?" After a few hours. "Does the doctor want to keep her longer?" Around noon. "Katie, what's going on?" At half past four. "Ok, Katie, now I'm just worried. Has something happened? You'd let me know, right?" After six mum had come home with a gateau for me to indulge in, but having not eaten anything all day, the anxious stomach acid merely gurgled at the sight of the sweet cake. Instead I sent Katie another text, "I'm coming over." Before my foot could hit the first step, my phone was pressed to my ear to receive the call.

"Don't," was all I heard on the other line.

"Katie-"

"She-she's not feeling well." A lie. "She's asleep." Another lie.

"Katie what's going on, I thought-I thought you wanted-"

"Just don't, Naomi." My throat closed up, was there something she wasn't telling me or was this more of her same old possessive shit? Maybe I wasn't the only one who recognized the potential of this being a clean slate...

"Katie, why don't you want me to see Emily?" A long pause gave me my answer. For the same reason Katie had always fought to keep us apart. Only now Emily wouldn't fight her on it. Had no reason to. "I thought you were trying to make your sister happy," I spat in a threatening whisper.

"People change," was all I got on the other line before a dial tone. Clutching the phone tightly in my grasp, I charged upstairs to my room. Once there, I pulled a hoodie from beneath the pile of clothes on my floor and stuffed it down over my head, slipping my shoes on, and throwing my hair back in a misshapen ponytail. It didn't matter what Katie Fitch wanted. This was about Emily. Me and Emily, and if I wasn't going to stand in the way of that anymore, then neither was her jealous twin.

The wind ripped across my cheeks as I continued peddling faster and faster toward the new Fitch address. I'd texted Effy the minute I'd fully dressed myself, realizing I hadn't the last fucking clue where they were living anymore. She'd sent me the flat number, I didn't ask how she knew, urging me to be careful. Gratefully it wasn't too horrifically far, and I needed the opportunity to clear my head and focus how I was going to handle things the minute I got there. The easiest way would've been for me to text Emily and ask her to meet me...if she were even in a position to do so...if she hadn't gotten worse or...

It made my blood pissing boil to realize the only reason Katie had been so supportive of me in the first place was because she knew she'd face repercussions from Emily had she done anything but made sure I didn't off myself in the process. It didn't matter now though. I was going to leave the decision to Emily. Regardless of anything her mind knew or didn't...her memory wasn't the only part of my girl that knew who I was. There had always been a connection we could never name...something had kept us drawn to one another...even when I fought it, buried it, tried to kill it...it'd won out. And that battle was not going to be wrought in vain. I needed to remain calm and keep my head on straight. This was going to be my first interaction with Emily since she saw me in the hospital. I didn't want her thinking I was a complete mong.

I hopped off my bike at the foot stoop of the flat, peering up, realizing they had to be at least a story up given the flat number. If I could just figure out which window was Emily's. The thought to ring her had occurred to me, until I realized why Katie had wanted me to fetch her phone in the first place. Another element of control wherein no one could contact Emily without going through Katie first. So this was about me finding a way to her, and if what it took was a bit of ingenuity then-

Rounding a corner, doing my best not to step on anything that would make a lot of noise in the otherwise silent night air, my head peered up toward a ladder. A ladder that ran the entire length of the side of the building toward a nearby window. My head lulled to my chest. "Shit," I mumbled, realizing I was about to pass into grand stalker station. The old Naomi would've never gripped onto the ladder and started climbing, praying that the window she was about to rap on belonged to Emily Fitch. Which is exactly why this Naomi was doing it.

_Fuck you, past me. And fuck you too, present me if you get us both killed._

Halfway up, my foot slipped. My head slammed against the bars as I held on for dear life silently praying for the bars to stop shaking. I listened. After a moment, everything was still quiet so I continued to climb up until-

"Oi! The fuck are you-" My head shot up and my eyes met a sea of brown, peering down with a large indiscernible object in hand.

"Emily, Emily, wait!" I called up in a hurried whisper, my hand blocking the inevitable release of the thing toward my soon to be crushed skull, "It's Naomi, we-we met at the hospital please-I was just coming to see you, don't let that thing go!"

"What're you doing down there?" Her voice was ragged but it was like music upon my ears. "Why didn't you use the door?" I licked my lips, wondering if I dared move any closer.

"Katie doesn't want me to see you," I admitted freely. I had no reason to not tell her the truth. Her eyes were examining me and assessing the situation. Eventually though, it seemed the whole situation gave her already sore brain an unnecessary headache as her eyes scrunched against the entire scene playing in front of her. She didn't ask why, just through the window open further and mumbled in a whisper,

"Be careful." She extended her hand down to mine, and I couldn't help but wonder if she should be up in the first place, let alone trying to help a girl a solid three inches taller than her escape into her bedroom late at night. When I neared it, I took her hand, not allowing her to take any of my own weight until it became absolutely necessary to fit me into the room. My feet hit the carpet a bit louder than I intended and my face scrunched. "Going to have to be more quiet than that, aren't you?" that husky voice whispered into the blackened bedroom.

"Are you all right?" The question was out before I could reel it back in. Katie's threatening tone had left me all kinds of skittish and in that moment, all I could think of was Emily's physical well-being. I would deal with the near-death-defying experience of finally being able to look in her eyes as she stood upright before my very eyes in just a moment.

"About as well as someone with a concussion could be." In spite of the shadows I could still see it, that look of complete frustration. Clearly no one had told her anything. Making a selfish decision in that moment, I decided one of them wasn't going to be me. "Why doesn't Katie want you to see me?" I licked my lips and searched my mind for an answer before coming up with,

"I have no idea. She's _your _twin." The response was more biting than I intended, and she peered up at me as if she were about to tell me to 'fuck off!' before she smiled instead. It was a weak one; the muscles in her face were still tired.

"She can be a fucking cow, yeah?"

That smile. Not even a hundred stars in the universe could light the sky the way that smile lit me up inside. _Emily Fitch, you turn me into a poetic, mushy twat._

"Apparently she inspires acts of dare-devil proportions," I quipped, trying my best to keep my tone low. Emily's brow furrowed and she ran her hand across her head. "Maybe you should sit." She didn't fight me as I guided her to the bed.

"Fuck's sake, all I've done is lie in bed the last three days. I thought coming home would fix some of that but no, everyone's been fussing over me non-stop." Emily looked over at me, kneeling beside her, watching her like a hawk. "I still don't know what you're doing here." I ached to tell her the truth, to tell her anything, but the doctor's warning prevented me from spilling everything in a senseless word-vomit. It could make her worse. I was petrified of making any of this worse. Her face scrunched up yet again and I was reprieved from having to give her an answer. "I feel-it feels strange-there are certain parts that are-blocked? I know there are things.." she pointed to her temple, "...in here...that are missing but I can't get anyone to tell me why."

She was looking at me like she used to, with those desperate doe eyes that wanted an answer to make everything better. To somehow fix the confusion that was muffled between us. She knew I knew something, why else was I climbing her ladder in the middle of the night. More importantly, why had she let me? It's not like I had planned what I was going to do or say to have her let me in. If she had ended up letting me in at all. I just needed to see her. "I don't know, Emily," I lied. "I'm just really glad to know you're ok." Her lips pursed as she took stock of the woman peering up at her. I couldn't help the adoration in my eyes, I didn't know if there was even a way for me to potentially mask it. It didn't frighten her, though. She leaned down closely, almost kneeling down to my level on the floor, and took my hand.

"Who _are_ you, Naomi?" A rush of answers flooded my mind, but I only had one response for the time being.

"Someone who is so _very_ glad that you're ok." A sad smile traced over her lips.

"You're not supposed to tell me. Are you." My mouth opened and shut several times as my eyes grew wide. _Smart as sin, my girl was_. "It's ok. I-I appreciate you looking out for me." Her hand was back in mine and my heart was ready to explode. I wanted so desperately to fall in her arms and explain and tell her I loved her and that everything about me belonged to her. But that time wasn't now. The stairwell creaked and I shot up from the floor, instantly missing the intimate contact.

"I should go." I was halfway out the window before Emily grabbed my clothed arm and stopped me.

"How can I find you?" she pleaded. The look of desperation in her eyes was fierce and frantic. "Once a week's up I'll be able to just-try and go about things. Katie's locked my phone away somewhere, I don't even have your number." Smiling, I answered,

"I'll just have to find you then." Seeming satisfied with my reply, she helped me out onto the ladder, my footing extra cautious this time. As my feet hit the grass I saw the light switch on in Emily's room and a flush of similar voices. "Fuck," I whispered, realizing I narrowly escaped with my life. I pulled my bike from where it rested along the wall and began to peddle back to mine.

_She wants to see me._

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I knew if I wanted Effy in this story I was going to have to deal with Freddie's death, but considering it isn't going to be a focus at any other point and time, I'm sorry if any of you felt it was rushed. Just a necessary means to an end. I always felt like Naomi was bi-polar in both her fear and bravery. Once she locked on to something she wanted, though, especially concerning Emily, to me, it wasn't unbelivable that she'd begin to immediately fight for it. Tooth and nail. It got us the "shed" speech didn't it? As far as Emily in this chapter was concerned, I also put a bit of speed on her situation on purpose while still keeping her as IC as possible. Hopefully I succeeded. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thanks for the reads, and if you feel so inclined, leave me a review telling me your thoughts. Until the next chapter dear readers!**


	6. I Wanna Make You Laugh

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: So, I was eager to get away from the angst...at least for a little while. Plus...sneaking around is always a bit fun, isn't it? Anyway, enjoy, review, follow, spread the word. We're at the halfway mark...roughly...my how time flies!**

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned "Skins" I'm fairly certain I'd live in a bigger house...**

**CHAPTER SIX: I Wanna Make You Laugh**

Spending time with Effy turned out to be much more enjoyable than I could had previously imagined before the events of the last few weeks. At least it had managed to make the week go by a little faster. Today we were sitting outside a pub, people watching from a nearby bench. Two beers in and the atmosphere started to wreek of mong, so we decided on fags and fresh air instead. I knew, deep down, the socializing was doing me good. Staved off the loneliness. Overall it wasn't a bad situation, even though it hurt to learn Katie had willingly welcomed Effy over on more than one occasion when I was practically barred from the Fitch's home. Regardless, it was soothing to get some kind of update on how Emily was continuing to heal. I hadn't braved an escape up the outside ladder since my previous venture, hoping that the red-head would just take the time to relax and heal. According to Effy she was...a little bit.

"They're back to fighting like monsters," Effy informed me one afternoon. "Gives Emily hang-over sized headaches." She took a drag on the fag she just lit and passed it over to me, relighting another for herself. A smile crept over her face. "She mentioned you the other day." Her peircing blue eyes broke through my blush, destroying my attempt to play it cool. Effy could tell just exactly how such a tiny thing had lifted my spirits. Fucking Stonem sixth sense. "Told me that she hopes you'll come around once she's all sorted."

I nodded slowly, pulling a drag into my lungs. "I told her I would...just...want her to heal good and proper without any kind of...mix-up." Mix-up seemed to be a decent enough way of describing my fear that somehow my presence would trigger...I don't know...something not good. I couldn't shake the looming feelings I got when I thought about it...so...Emily was left to set the pace...if there was one to be met at all.

Effy stared out across the street watching a young boy whiz by on his skateboard. Her eyes fell. Freddie's funeral had been a private affair amongst his family, that's why in spite of Effy's secrecy about the events, none of us had been in attendance. Not even Effy had gone...although we both knew she probably wasn't able to deal...probably still couldn't. Moments like these...seeing figments in the every day...knowing he was no longer here. I didn't think I could fully comprehend what she was feeling, but on some level...she knew I understood. So the silence wasn't uncomfortable. "Emily asked for my mobile number the other day. Apparently Katie had completely wiped it."

"She has her phone?" With an excited and exaggerated flourish, I pulled my own out of my coat pocket and opened up a text box.

_Keep fucking cool, Campbell._

**How're you healing? -Naomi.**

"Short, sweet, to the point," I concluded, inhaling another pull. Effy stood and pulled her coat up tighter around her collar.

"See you," she replied quickly, and before I could ask where she was going, she had shot off down the road god knows where to do god knows what. It should bother me but...a lot of things are easily shrugged off to being typical Effy behavior. It would take too much time to analyze anyway. My heart tumbled as my phone vibrated and I read the incoming message.

**It would be easier without people fussing over me every five seconds. Where've you been, thought you said you'd be around.**

**I said I'd come and find you, didn't I? Just been keeping my head down, don't need Katie sniffing about. Plus, I'm sure you need your rest.**

**I'd much rather have the company.**

I breathed slowly out of my mouth as I considered not only the consequences, but the idea of being in Emily's proximity again...and having to keep quiet...and basically not touch her...

**Text me when everyone goes to bed.**

**Ok. See you.**

**See you, soon.**

It took all of my inner strength not to close off that text message with a regular, "I love you." Funny. I took advantge of that being the cap off of every conversation I had with Emily. Now, not being able to say it...I felt the Emily sized lump in my throat resurface and had to push it back down before I made a public nuisance of myself. I'd look like a real twat sitting here by myself crying at nothing. Closing my eyes, I repockted my phone and mashed out the end of the half-smoked fag on the underbeam of the bench. When I re-opened my eyes I saw the same boy skate past me yet again. He kicked the board up over the curb and continued in the opposite direction he had come from. His hair was purple, I noticed that this time. I resigned myself to ignore the creeping and looming thoughts which were threatening to take over yet again, and instead focus on the near excitement, and moderately mind-numbing fear of having to reclimb that ladder again tonight.

Being practically confined to her room was certainly going to limit the amount of time I could spend with Emily without rousing the entire household, but it didn't matter. I needed to see her, even if it could only be for an hour or less. And in that hour, I wanted to make every minute count. I couldn't do anything more than look out the back window at dinner that night, watching the sun set behind the clambering neighborhood. My feet shook beneath my chair, and I, at best, picked at the potatoes mum had attempted to prepare. After nearly forty-five minutes of silence I was excused, gratefully, and headed upstairs to my room without another word. Cracking open my window, I lit up a spliff Effy had left in my room the other day and slowly burned my lungs on the inhale. If I were lucky, my mind would slow down a bit and I could rattle on for the next several hours, waiting for the Fitches to abandon ship and leave me to invade.

At nearly a quarter to one in the morning, my phone vibrated.

**Coast is clear.**

**On my way.**

**Be careful.**

Gina had never been too strict with me about my comings and goings, but she was still up and about as I headed downstairs. "Headed out this late?" she asked. Normally she wouldn't be so curious, but since I had all but confined myself to the house as of late, her question wasn't out of the ordinary.

"Going to see Emily," I answered, slipping a small jacket over my shoulders. I heard an 'oh,' radiate from the nearby sitting room, completely devoid of anything other than happy surprise.

"Make good choices, dear." I smiled, knowing she was making a reference to the fact that my entire body was covered in clothes which were black or dark blue in color to be as inconspicuous as possible. It felt wrong having to sneak around just to be able to see the girl I loved but...such were the times. Drastic measures and all that shit.

The journey to the Fitch flat was lit with fewer streetlamps tonight, seeing as how there was nearby construction on the midway. I had to take my bike down a few unknown corners and turns, peddaling just the tiniest bit faster as I was lost in light for a few moments. It easily added a good half hour to the time I would have normally spent, but eventually I was below Emily Fitch's window, unsure as to whether it would be safe to text my arrival or try the corny old fashioned bit of throwing pebbles at her window.

**I'm finally below.**

I took a final drag on the spliff I lit and maintained on my lips through the bike trek, and pinched out the end, shoving it back into my pocket, waiting for some sign of life. Eventually it came from my phone.

**Can you climb up?**

_For you, Emily Fitch, anything._ I gripped the ladder tightly, and with the tiniest bit more practice than my last attempt, scaled the ten feet up toward Emily's window. The closer I got, the better I could see it was left slightly unlatched, a breeze billowing in her curtains. A strange panic gripped me. It was dispondently quiet, and all the lights were off, though climbing through a window at nearly two in the morning would warrant some discretion, and an upturned light wouldn't do. But what if Emily hadn't been the one to text me? What if it had been Katie all along, trying to catch me in the act of going behind her back? It was Katie Fitch, nothing was beyond reason. As if she were answering my delusions, Emily's hands slipped under the sill and pulled it open a little further. She met me with a smile and a breathy yet familiar, "Hello."

"Hi," I whispered, grinning like a fool in spite of myself. I looped my foot over the opening, and pulled myself in, hoping I had been quiet enough this time not to attract any immediate attention. This was just phase one, we didn't need interuptions this early in the game. As I made my way into the room, I noticed it appeared to be more lived in. There was a vanity mirror adjacent to the foot of the bed, a few clothes were scattered about, and Emily seemed to notice the disarray as soon as my presence was a reality.

"Sorry the place is a mess," she stammered, "it's not exactly easy to keep things sorted when you go to bend and doing so makes your head swim." I smiled as her face seemed to flush, which I couldn't help but admit was a curious but encouraging reaction. For my libido. Not for my resolve.

"Not at all. You should see mine," I assured in a whisper, taking in the shadows of the surroundings as best I could in the dim light.

"Could we? Go to yours?" Her eyes practically puppy dog pleaded, and she was bouncing on the balls of her feet in hopeful anticipation.

"Um-I-" _No. No that's a soddingly bad idea_. "Emily, are you even up to leaving the house? I mean you just said you're still having dizzy spells." Her face fell and her feet ceased their excited bounce. I immediately regretted dashing the adorable scene, but I knew I was right.

"Naomi, please, it's stifling here. Can't we please go somewhere we could actually I don't know...have some fun?" Biting her bottom lip, my brain willed her to stop looking so pleadingly adorable.

_You'll make me cave...you always make me cave..._

"How did you get your phone back?" I deterred, but also genuinely curious. Emily shot me a shy smile, her tongue running over her bottom lip as her smile only increased. I had to bite my own to keep it from initiating contact.

"Effy makes a really good ally," she answered cryptically. "She snuck in while Katie was showering. I told her some places Katie was likely to keep it hid that I hadn't had the time to look for myself. I can't believe she hasn't noticed it's missing yet."

"I doubt she's anal retentive enough to do so," I replied, genuinely believing my own words. "Although I'm sure it'd be a much more daunting task now that you're awake and while recovering, you still seem a bit spry." I couldn't resist reaching out and lightly pinching Emily's arm to cap off my observation, causing her to flinch and a tiny little laugh echoed in the back of her throat.

_Oh, fuck me that laugh._

"Fine, out we pop then," I finally conceded, Emily's eyes widening with glee at my resignation, "but there's no fucking way you're attempting to climb out that window." Slipping her jacket on, Emily grabbed my hand and drug me quietly toward the door. Her grip made my breath catch, and I had to close my eyes momentarily to compose myself.

_Thank fuck it's dark._

Gratefully we weren't stepping out into a hallway darker from the exited bedroom, although I was fairly certain the air out here was thinner because the minute we cleared the door, Emily was pressed tightly against me as she quietly and slowly shut her door, keeping the knob fully turned so that it wouldn't click in the lock. Yes. That was making the air in my lungs clench. Having Emily flush between myself and a door and not being able to do one fucking thing about it.

Attempting the whole church mice routine, we walked down the hallway, past a series of rooms, Emily taking extra precautions when we reached one that was almost even with the turn of the stairwell. She'd led us close to the railing until we reached the steps. They weren't carpeted. "Shit," I mouthed, hoping that they weren't going to creak as our shoed feet tiptoed down them. A lump of nerves was ever present in my throat as we descended, but I couldn't help the lightheaded joy at pulling this fast one, especially when Emily looked back at me with a particularly mischievous grin. And perhaps she shouldn't've. Her footing slipped, and with a quick tug, we were at the bottom of the steps, bodies grappled together against the wall, my hand flying back behind Emily's head to protect it from making contact.

Our feet had made their fair share of noise, but without waiting to see if we would get caught, and honestly to remove us from a compromising position that was all but screaming at me to give in to all the things I wanted to do to Emily right there against that wall, I pulled us around and into a hallway that led into the nook of the kitchen. I heard the tiniest bit of a laugh escape Emily's lips and my heart thundered in my ribcage. I shushed her, pursing my lips together and tapping them repeatedly. Looking over my shoulder, I saw her clamp her palms over her mouth as her eyes squinted. I wondered if she hadn't taken a strong dose of whatever meds the doctor had her on, but fuck all if she wasn't an adorable sight, despite our impending impalement by anyone who we'd inadvertently awoken.

After a few moments of silence, I felt Emily's hand in mine again, as my eyes were trained to the neighboring hallway, looking and listening for anything that was going to give away our plight. The contact made my skin sizzle yet again as my cautious gaze met hers. The streetlamps from just outside the kitchen illuminated the sparse room, and she pulled on my arm delicately, guiding me toward the kitchen door. Once we were outside, she turned and silently locked us out. I did my best to stifle a triumphant laugh. I wished in that moment I could wrap myself around her and plant a kiss on her victorious lips...the sobering thought was enough to dash any previously happy thoughts that had flooded through me. Turning on her heels, Emily chimed, still somewhat quietly, "So…where's yours then?"

I smiled and guided her out toward the side of the house where my bike was leaning against the wall. "That's the only means of transport I have," I quipped, pointing toward the rarely used clunk of metal, "and honestly, it's not safe for the two of us to ride on. You'd probably break the handle bars." Emily playfully punched at my stomach, my arms flying down to cover the blow. I'd gotten good at covering her little swipes at me over the years.

"Cow," she grumbled, a smile playing on her lips, "but really I meant...yours as in...where you live...I thought you said-"

"I said we'd go somewhere. Although at two a.m. those places are severely limited to a girl recovering from a scooter accident." Her eyebrows furrowed as she appeared to be eyeing the proximities of the street, and where our hopeful adventure awaited. "Any ideas, Miss Fitch?" Emily's eyes settled into a smile as she grabbed my hand yet again, and drug me past a corner, nearly running as we did so. I was worried she was overexerting herself, so I squeezed the fingers that were laced with mine, and I nearly instantly regretted it. Except how could I when they caused her to freeze like that...completely at a standstill because of my actions, as if I had caught her in a tightly guarded secret as our feet clambered to a halt. "Emily, we should take it easy, I don't want you passing out on me now," I tried to ease in with a smile. I was waiting for her to drop my hand at any moment, but instead her grip only tightened as she nodded, guiding me down yet another street corner.

The sound of rushing water sparked the memory of how close we were to the pier. Certain areas you never wanted to mess with in the later hours of the night, but admittedly, the way the moon was dancing on the water, it was all nothing short of completely romantic. "When I was coming home, we drove past here and I knew the minute I could set foot out my door I wanted to see it closer." We strolled quietly down the docks, as I listened to every word falling from Emily's lips. "It's peaceful, don't you think." A sigh escaped her lips as her hand fell from mine and I immediately wanted it back. "Apparently, peaceful is all I can handle these days." I remained in her shadow, the distance between us never changing despite the fact we had lost physical contact.

"You did have a brush there, Emily," I factually stated, "a mighty bad one at that." Leaning against a mariner rope, Emily's hands mingled with the material as she stared over the water. I remained close but distant, crossing my arms as I took in our surroundings. We appeared to be quite alone, but I knew that could change in a heartbeat and despite the slight danger of the situation, I didn't want us even momentarily disturbed.

"I don't remember." Her voice was dripped with frustration, and I so wished there was something I could do to make things better for her. Make them easier. "This helps," she whispered, her tone a little vindicated by her previous statement, "feeling connected again." A smile crept out onto my lips as I was surely convinced she meant being out and somewhat about...no longer a patient prisoner to her family, but the eyes that caught mine were vying to tell a different story altogether. They were boring into me like only Emily's eyes ever could, seeing the naked truth behind my own inadequacies and fears. I wondered, then, if she were even aware of what she was doing, if it truly was just a habit that only I unlocked from her. Despite the circumstances, I knew Emily only looked at _me_ this way.

"I can't imagine how hard it is for you," I finally answered, moving in a bit closer, to perch on a wooden beam nearby. My eyes asked for her to sit with me, but I knew even sitting would make her feel restrained in this moment, so I merely continued when all I had was her attention, "How scared you must still be." She licked her lips and cast her eyes back out toward the oceanic depths.

"It's like there's a cycle of phantoms passing in and out of me. Nothing I can cling onto, just these...almost jarring emotions that hit me every now and again...but I can't put them in a box within my head. I can't-tell myself that this means this because this happened and that's-that really is maddening." Tears welled in her eyes and I was on my feet, my hand on her shoulder, cursing the fact that it was the most affection I could give Emily at this time. I wanted to do more, so much more, to wrap her in my arms and soothe the fears away with my hushed words and heated kisses. My hand had to do its tame job at the moment instead.

Her sweet head turned and looked at the gentle pressure, her own hand eventually covering mine after a beat. Clandestine eyes, sparkling with the beginnings of tears met mine, and despite all the clearly pronounced cuts and bruises etched onto her perfect porcelain skin, my breath caught as I released an audible, though short, gasp. Emily was radiant. My entire body began to tremble as I was yet again reminded that previous circumstances had nearly robbed me of ever seeing her like this again...and I knew I wasn't just mentally referring to the accident.

"I haven't got the slightest idea why I'm telling you all this. I barely know you," Emily muttered. Licking my lips, I was relieved to find my moment of awe had gone unnoticed, as I searched my mind for a reply. "I just know...whoever you are...you're important."

She hadn't resigned so many thing, except for one, and in that moment, on that pier, it was the only one that could've ever mattered to us. I wasn't going anywhere. I was going to see her through this. No matter how long it took.

My hand found hers again as I tried to find some way to respond. Expressing myself verbally, concerning Emily, was still a work in progress after all, especially now where so much of what I said had to be carefully selective. "Jesus," I mumbled, reaching into my bag with a spare hand, nearly forgetting I had managed to tote anything with me. My hand found a cigarette and it was lit swiftly. Pulling us further down the landing, Emily took the cancer stick from my lips and took a drag for herself. The gesture's intimacy had previously been lost on me when she had done the exact same thing on several occasions, but now, watching her lips rest where mine had just been, it took me aback at the casual manner with which she exhibited something so personally invading.

"So why're we sneaking around?" Emily finally asked as we neared a dry peace of port and sat atop it, feet dangling absently just above the crest of the water's surface. Reclaiming my fag, I took a much needed inhale.

"Not having fun?" I countered, exhaling the smoke in the direction over my vacant shoulder.

"No," she muttered, her voice not revealing anything other than well-played sarcasm, "this place smells of piss and rotting fish, I'm out of my warm bed at nearly three in the morning, and I'm hobbling about with some Nancy who won't even tell me who she is." Despite the differing word choice, the tone was all too familiar, and my heart clenched. Suddenly the pier was no longer a pier...it was a lake. Suddenly the wood beneath us was no longer worn planks...we were atop a slightly damp blanket. Suddenly we were no longer lovers who conversed as strangers...we were strangers about to embark on becoming lovers. My mind raced in hope.

_Do you remember?_

Emily's brow furrowed, and her eyes drifted away somewhere that wasn't here. She took another drag from the cigarette she had managed to kidnap from the shocked look on my face. Slowly the expression faded, being replaced with another all too lately familiar gaze of frustration. I exhaled in quiet defeat, trying my best not to get all weepy over what could've been a tiny break-through. Bringing the cherry to the filter, Emily's firm but small fingers flicked the remnants of the cigarette into the bay. "Why are you afraid of Katie?" The question took me a little off guard considering my head was still battling between staying in the game and holding on to my emotions. Plastering a signature smirk on my face I joked, somewhat seriously,

"I do believe the queen of the arachnids would be afraid of your sister, Emily." Her mouth pursed together before it slinked into a half-smile. "But I'm not afraid of Katie. I am...however...concerned that she may be able to make it difficult for me to get to spend time with you."

"I wouldn't call this easy street," she mumbled, rubbing her eyes, clearly succumbing a bit to the several doses of drugs running through her body, no doubt hindered by the little bit of nicotine she'd just consumed. "It's important to you? Spending time with me?" I nodded.

_More than anything_.

"Katie and mum will be out of the house tomorrow."

"Are you asking me to steal away into the daylight hours with you, Miss Fitch. What if we are seen!" I tried to pull my best scandalized face, her voice giggled in spite of my horrifically corny act. It was the first time I had heard that laugh unstifled by quiet, and my heart practically sang at its reemergence.

"Hooded jumpers and sunglasses might be in order to maintain our cover," she whispered in a playfully low voice. I watched her smile into the sway of her body as her legs lightly kicked beneath her. Catching me staring she bluntly observed, "You have an unabashed habit of staring at me, Naomi. Find me stalkable?" A smile crept over my lips as my pinky found hers just next to mine where they rested on the wood of the pier. She didn't shift away as I nodded.

"Very." A breeze clipped in over the water, trickling light droplets onto our feet and Emily shivered at the contact. I figured we'd ventured long enough. "Think it's time to get back, don't wanna get caught out of bed."

Nodding, Emily allowed me to help her to her feet, and kept her finger twined with mine as we continued back up the street, away from the pier. We trekked in the soon to be sunrise in silence. Emily's mind was churning. She always got this look of stony solemn concentration in her eyes whenever she was deep in thought. I did my best not to steal too many looks as we walked hand in hand, which I found to be marginally difficult. Eventually I gladly resigned to revel in touch, the insides of my fingers re-memorizing the way Emily's hand felt in mine. I had never been much of a public hand holder before the red-head insisted into my life, not much for any public displays of affection. I wasn't aware how much I had missed it, how much I craved even the simplest contact. Two years ago I would've never allowed myself to admit that, even to myself, but walking with Emily now was unmatched by anything else I had ever felt. With each moment that passed in this new chapter of our life, I fell more and more in love with her.

_I wish I could tell her as much._

It wasn't long before we reached the back corner door of the Fitch flat. Emily's hand slowly ebbed away from mine. She opened her mouth to say something as the roar of an engine heralded the arrival of a five speed cylinder engine, revving in the unoccupied street. One would expect to hear some sort of obnoxious rap music blaring from it, but once the car pulled to at the stop signal, an upbeat techno pop ballad filtered out of the cracked windows. I recognized it immediately, and a wave of emotions hit me as hard as the MDMA had done that afternoon.

_You stole my heart, all of my heart_

_Just say you'll always be mine_

_Whatever made you come my way_

_Think about it night and day_

_Ever since we kissed in the rain..._

As soon as the bridge completed the car was sped over the hill. My head snapped toward Emily, realizing I had been gobsmacked and staring. I hadn't heard that song in over two years, and had in fact flipped many a radio station when it usually began. The damn thing had been playing in the background of Pandora's fucking ridiculous pajama party when Emily had come bounding into the living room, me brandishing our newly rescued alcoholic purchases.

_It's only the drugs..._

_You liked that._

I was brought out of the memory of our kiss by the sound of Emily's laughter. "That," she mumbled, "that is a fucking terrible song." She had to cover her mouth to keep herself quiet, and I found myself smiling at the sound.

"It really fucking is," I concurred, joining Emily in the sound of our happy voices mixing together. "See you tomorrow?" I finally ended, taking a few steps back. The gap wasn't very present as Emily quickly closed it, placing her lips on my cheek. I felt them flush instantaneously at the contact, closing my eyes, unsure what I was supposed to do. So I just enjoyed it. When I opened my eyes Emily was back at the door, a cheeky grin plastered across her face.

"You're not a bad date, Campbell," she quipped, opening the door and shutting it before I had a chance to reply.


	7. Cover Me Like A Blanket

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you for the reads and reviews. Each one is appreciated and if I haven't responded to those of you who are registered, kick me in the shins and tell me to do so! I want to be able to thank as many of you personally as I can. This chapter was very important to me, and took me a bit longer to write, so I appreciate you guys' patience. And for anyone thinking I was hating on Katie with some of my earlier plot, there is a method to my madness as they say. Enjoy my lovely readers, and don't be afraid to let me know what you think! Until next chapter, cheers babes!**

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned "Skins" I would have Lily and Kat on my phone...and then the Naomily fans would want to hunt me down, so I can attest that I do not own or affiliate with British television for the sake of my life!**

**CHAPTER SEVEN: Cover Me Like A Blanket**

_Date..._

A silly play on words. It had to be.

_Even if she did kiss me goodnight._

On the cheek.

_Kissed me..._

on the cheek.

_Kissed me..._

Regardless of the meaning or intent behind Emily's words and actions, it left me floating as I biked back to mine with the sun slowly rising above my head. I would try to get a bit of sleep before I received a message calling me back from whence I was departing, but the way I was grinning like a sodding twat led me to believe slumber would not be a lengthy visitor. My stomach grumbled, and for the first time in probably three months, I was hungry. So it was with great relief I found Gina up earlier than usual with tea and potatoes. "Hungry, love?" she inquired as I stepped through the door. Her voice was chipper and thoughtful, something I found I was appreciating now she'd spent a fair amount of time away. It didn't annoy me like it used to.

Crossing into the kitchen, I plopped down, and playfully patted the table, "Famished," I insisted, the happy smile still permanently attached to my lips. Turning over her shoulder, mum placed some nearly burnt julienne potatoes on the plate before me, the spatula stopping once it was cleared of the greasy starch. Her eyes and slightly open mouth gaped at me, and she attempted to speak, but immediately decided against it. Instead she simply nodded and smiled down at me.

"Right then," she muttered to herself mysteriously.

"What?" I asked, beginning to stuff my face, uncaring that the food was nearly devoid of flavor.

"Nothing dear," she replied, plating herself a serving before joining me for the first breakfast we had spent together in nearly a year.

I never quite made it up to my room, opting for a smoke after breakfast to curb the lump now sitting in my stomach from mum's lack of culinary finesse. Somewhere between a drag and an exhale, I had fallen asleep, woken by the vibration of my phone in my pocket. I rubbed my eyes groggily, my dew soaked ass shifting uncomfortably on the deck swing.

**Get any sleep?**

I checked the time in the bottom corner of the message. Apparently I had gotten at least three hours' worth. Why the hell had Gina let me sit out here? Turning my head I noticed a cup of cold coffee sitting next to me and a blanket was crumbled in a heap at my feet.

**Guess I must've nodded off. Sat outside on the swing to have a smoke, next thing I know I've lost half my morning. You?**

**Tried. Katie and mum have been shuffling about. Checking in on me every hour. Good thing they don't think it's necessary to make sure I'm still breathing in my sleep anymore, eh?**

**Good thing indeed.**

**Did you still want to get together for a bit? I understand if you have plans. I realized I never asked you if you did…whether you have a boyfriend or someone you'd rather be spending time with.**

I blanched at the message, the back of my fingers covering my mouth to touch the amorous smile on my lips. Emily's not so discrete curiosity was still the most adorable thing in the world.

**No plans so far, and shouldn't I be asking you if you're up for another oceanic stroll Miss Recovery Patient?**

**Have something else in mind today, cheeky, and if that's your way of asking how I am, I'm holding up. Text you later.**

**See you then, Miss Fitch.**

**What's with the Miss Fitch business? Your flirting skills are terrible, Campbell.**

My fingers screeched to a halt above the keys, but before I could attempt a response the phone vibrated again.

**Not that I mind of course….**

_If a game is what you want…_

**Maybe my boyfriend finds my formality charming.**

With a satisfied smirk, I sent the message and placing the phone in my lap waited for a reply. The speedy back and forth had given the conversation a competitive air, and I immediately wondered if I hadn't taken things a bit far and come off as a complete prick just then. Once upon a time I would've just left it. Once upon a time.

**I don't have a boyfriend**.

All I got in response was a smiley faced emoticon. I rolled my eyes, smirking.

_What are you playing at Emily Fitch?_

Stepping back inside and throwing the hodge-podge afghan onto the nearest hard surface, I trudged my way to the showers to wash away the long night's aromatic bath on my skin. The pier was very beautiful at night, but as my clothes were now attesting, it definitely had its own pungent lingering perfume. The heated spray felt cathartic on my aching muscles, the discomfort from falling asleep on the weathered swing and overall stresses only prevalent in this vulnerable state.

Once the hot water turned ice cold, I stepped onto the linoleum floor and wrapped my hair in a towel. Cracking open my door, I began rifling through the stacks of clothes still scattered amongst my room searching for an afternoon ensemble. Tossing aside a flowery blouse, my fingers traced over a small piece of material static clinging to the inside of a pair of jeans. Pulling it into view, a sad laugh escaped my lip. I saw her again…sixteen years old…or her first day of college on the bleachers…with this…this black and white striped bow in her hair. Emily used to wear them all the time…not so much after we got together. I used to take the piss out of her about it, saying I'd deflowered the bow-wearing Fitch twin. She'd insisted it was because I kept catching my fingers in them when I played with her hair.

"Touché," I whispered, placing it in the pair of pants I had just slipped on, patting it against my thigh. My response then and my memory now.

A large black cup of coffee saw to it I didn't waste any more time falling asleep, potentially missing Emily's call. Half past two, my highly caffeinated self was on her front stoop. I briefly wondered if I should knock or...the door swung open and a bright smile met my eyes, making my decision for me. "Nice to learn you know what a door is for," Emily playfully chided, stepping aside to allow me entrance.

"It's a long arduous process breaking my Peter Pan syndrome, Emily. My shrink says my friends should try to be encouraging. At least I've given up the green tights." Stepping past her into the hallway, her lips grew into a smirk as I sat my bag on the countertop.

"Good thing, too. Can't imagine what green tights would do to those legs of yours, Naomi. Probably make you look like a bleached blonde grasshopper." Amongst a patch of giggles, I lightly clapped her shoulder.

"Fuck off," I cheerfully chided. Her tiny body rocked a bit from the impact, and taking in the sight of her happy face I was able to see her healing injuries in the daylight. The bruises around her eye were fading but she still had a bandage over the gash that traced from her eyebrow to her cheek. The sight of it made me immediately regret the playful contact. "Shit, Ems, did I hurt you?" Emily froze to the spot. "What?" I asked, now nearly certain I had done something to harm her, "What is it?"

"I didn't think anyone other than Katie ever called me Ems," she muttered, lightly rubbing her arm as her mind clearly began to chug.

_Shit. Say something..._

"I believe you said you had plans?" Emily looked a little flustered and annoyed at the change of subject, but the expression quickly faded as she led the way into the kitchen.

"Actually, I had a bit of a favor to ask." Following her in, I nearly collided with her front as she spun around with a bottle of hair dye in her hand. "I'm tired of looking a fright, and I still get tired easily so..." she shifted a bit on her feet, bobbing as she so often did when she was nervous, her eyes questioning, "...I was hoping you'd give me a hand." I clenched my jaw and exhaled slowly at the double entendre, focusing on the bottle instead of the hand encasing it. Feeling a flush creep into my cheeks, I swiped up the container with a flourish,

"And what makes you think I'd be any good at this?"

"Something tells me you've got a few hidden talents, Naomi," she insisted, her eyes twinkling a bit. I couldn't help but wonder, and secretly hope, if she was enjoying the knot she was tying me into. "Besides, you honestly expect me to believe this-" her hand scooped onto my shoulder, taking a clump of my hair into her fingers, "-is real?" Nodding, I reached for the plastic gloves on the nearby table.

"You have a very convincing and winning charm, Miss Fitch," I sarcastically quipped, covering one hand and then the other in the oversized plastic. "Got a towel?"

"Oh right." Tugging her shirt over her head, Emily clambered into the adjoining wash room. As the cotton fabric slipped over her head, I prayed she had something on underneath...and cursed my disappointment when I saw a peach bra. She re-appeared minutes later, her shoulders clad in the fluffy cloth. "Mind if we head up to my room? Don't wanna accidentally drip on the carpet." She threw me a coy smile as she headed toward the staircase.

_What is with the wordplay today, Emily. Jesus..._

Following behind, I curbed the urge to reach out and touch the exposed soft skin of Emily's lower back as we ascended into her room. Once we entered her room, Emily plopped in a chair as I shut the door behind us. Stepping behind her, I shook the dye bottle, index finger firmly planted over the tiny hole in the nozzle. "Entire head or just the roots?"

"Probably the whole thing if you think there's enough."

"Right," I agreed as I began to layer the top of Emily's hair with the bright hair dye. "Sticking to the red then, are we?" I asked, attempting small talk. "Ever consider trying a more shocking color?"

"Think I should?" Emily asked, the hint of a giggle in her voice, "I thought about purple, but I doubt I could pull it off though."

"You'd be surprised," I insisted, "lots of women with your complexion make purple work. Helps when have gorgeous brown eyes." Emily's head dipped involuntarily and I realized I'd slipped yet again. The bottle stopped mid-line and I pulled myself together, returning my attention to massaging the liquid down to her scalp. "At least...that's what I read..." I feebly covered.

I worked in a few minutes of silence before Emily spoke, "Tell me about yourself, Naomi." I smiled.

"Whatya wanna know?" I hoped to high heaven she'd start off easy.

"Um..." Her cute little butt shifted in the seat as she pondered her doozey of a question. "What do you want to do with your life?" My shoulders tensed. This had definitely been a beaten to death topic, but in light of current circumstances, I had a spring-board answer.

"I got accepted to Goldsmiths."

"Really? What do you want to study?"

"Political science. I'm really interested in economical conservationism. Mum's really excited over it." As much as I'd tried to debate it, at the core I suppose I was still Gina Campbell's daughter.

"I pegged you for a wanna change the world type," Emily commented, a hint of sadness in her voice. "I didn't even apply for uni. I think-I think I'd like to travel. There's so much of the world to see. I've never left England. I'd hate to shut myself away in another classroom for four years without taking the time to enjoy a bit of freedom." I nodded my head at the all too familiar tones of the conversation.

_"That's why I want us to go to Goa."_

_"Goa? As in Mexico?_

_"Yes!"_

_"For how long?"_

_"A year?"_

_"A year?! For fuck's sake what are we going to do for a whole fucking year?" _

_"Come with me, Naomi, can't you just see it? Backpacking up to waterfalls, making love on the beach...uni will always be here when you get back. It's just a year. Run away with me for a while..."_

I should've stolen her hand and a bag and left with her immediately, bought a plane ticket and flown us out of the country until we were too broke to stay forever away. I should've.

With her head half soaked, I nodded myself back into the current conversation. "Any place in particular you'd visit?"

"Everywhere, if it's an option. Venice, Paris, Greece, America, India, Africa...England is just such a small, cold, barren place. I've always hated it here actually." This was definitely a part of the conversation Emily had left out the first go around. "There's got to be more to it, Naomi...does that make any sense?" Biting my lip, I pulled a few stands of her bangs back into the gooey mess.

"I think so," I honestly replied. I had attempted to keep the conversation light and airy but it seemed Emily's thoughts were constantly steering toward something more loaded. She'd always been thoughtful like that. "Any further questions, inspector?" I asked lightly.

"Only if there's any more you'd like to share." Bending Emily's head forward just a touch, I swooped the back of her hair atop her head as I dabbled the dye against her upper neck.

"Basics I suppose. I was born in Bristol, I'm an only child, my middle name is Helen, my favorite film is _Y Tu Mama Tambien_, and I am a huge fan of the Arctic Monkeys." I could easily picture the look on Emily's face as she gagged at the mention of my favorite band.

"Fuck, I hate the Arctic Monkeys," she grumbled, "Most aptly named band ever. They sound like chimps the way they just pound on their instruments."

_As you like to remind me._

After a few more go overs, Emily's hair was properly saturated. "You're done," I admitted proudly, already feeling the exhaustion in my shoulders. The girl had a full head of hair, and it'd taken the better part of a half hour to get the entire thing done. "Wait," I corrected before she could stand, I gently tugged at the towel. "May I? Don't want to stain your neck." Pulling the towel from her shoulders, Emily handed the fabric behind her,

"Knock yourself out." I took a deep breath, steadying my hand as it dabbed and dried around Emily's hairline, reminding myself it was my job to remove the excess dye, not to perv on her neck. Not to think about the bunched up cloth that separated the pads of my fingers from her soft skin. _Ears, wipe her ears._ Peering around to remove the red for her ears, I noticed a slight shade of pink had settled on them.

_Jesus...I hope that's because of me..._

"_Now_ you're all done," I replied, tossing the towel on top of a dirty pile of clothes. Emily stood and leaning into the vanity mirror, gave my job a thorough inspection, occasionally pulling the tops of her ears down to make sure I cleaned the entire hairline.

"Not half bad, Campbell," she quipped, throwing me a smile. I gave her a sideways nod.

"Wait until you wash it out before you admire the work." I removed the gloves and tossed them into the nearby bin, plopping down on her bed immediately after. "How're you feeling? Still doing all right?" Turning, Emily nodded.

"Bit lightheaded, but the vicodine always gets me to feeling a bit weird by the middle of the day." She settled next to me, and almost instantly, I was hit with a faint, lingering wave of her chamomile body wash wafting from her uncovered shoulders. Sitting on my hands, I clutched the duvet for good measure to try and curb my temptation of touch.

"Vicodine, eh?" I bemused, shifting a bit to make my behavior a bit less peculiar, "Care to share?" Emily snickered.

"If you really want some, it's in that pill bottle on the dresser."

"I was only having you on," I insisted. Even if a bit of a trip sounded enticing, it'd bring my defenses further down than I was looking to surrender...for the time being. Propping my feet forward, I braved leaning back a bit on the bed, waggling my shoulders and throwing her what I hoped was a charming smile. "So Miss Fitch...care to entertain me while we wait?" Pursing her lips, Emily suggested,

"Well, James just got a new Wii. We could commandeer that."

"Video games?" I snorted. "Really, Ems, I never pegged you." A curious smile grew across Emily's lips as the one faded from mine as I realized she was in fact quite serious. Immediately, she had her hand across mine, and pulled me from her room.

Come to find out, Emily was pretty good at the tennis game Rob had bought for his youngest son. "When did you learn how to play this?" I asked, swinging my control to miss yet another pass of the ball toward my avatar.

"Yesterday," she sputtered, hitting yet another ball over the split screen and toward me. Where Emily excelled, I was atrocious. I never got the hang of these things. But it seemed to make her happy humiliating me in such an egregious fashion, so I was happy to succumb. I suppose it was better than sitting around waiting for her head to heal.

"Jenna actually let you out of confinement long enough to play this thing?" I managed to hit one this time, and let out a high pitched shriek of excitement, bouncing a bit on my toes. My celebration was very short lived as Emily sent the ball right back to me, scoring yet another point, winning the game.

"They weren't in the house all day every day," Emily replied with a wink. She flipped the console off, and made her way back to the staircase. "Showertime," she muttered, disappearing up the flight. I practically collapsed on the couch once she was out of sight. It had taken all of my willpower to not watch Emily throughout the game. She was, after all, getting all worked up and sweaty, her arm muscles flexing and tensing...without a shirt on. I released a few more exhales to stave off the memories before ascending the stairs back to Emily's room.

Glancing through the room, I took notice of how bare it was. The shared room with Katie, on the one rare occasion I had been admitted, had been glossed with all types of posters. Blondie. Audrey Hepburn. A few pictures of the gang scattered here and there...a few of us...knick knacks and remembrances of our time together. But these walls were bare, and something tells me I wouldn't find our pictures in these boxes either. I couldn't be sure without going through them myself but they all were opened and haphazardly put back together, which led me to believe someone had gone rifting. Emily liked things sorted, at least her personal, private things, so she'd never leave such disarray. No. This spoke volumes of someone else.

"Naomi..." a shocked voice projected. I turned, and immediately my stance tightened as I stared Katie down. Neither of us moved for a moment, listening to the shower down the hall continue to run. Straightening her shoulders, Katie stepped inside and shut the door behind her, leaning against it, her hands placed firmly on the nob.

"Gonna rat me out then?" I calculatingly inquired, crossing my arms over my chest in both an effort to stand my ground and to not lunge at the girl with cat claws flailing.

"I'd rather talk to you," came her surprising reply.

"Save your breath, Katie, because Emily-"

"Please, Naomi," Katie interrupted, stepping closer toward me, dropping her voice so she wouldn't be accidentally overheard. The concern in her eyes startled me to the point where I sought to re-established the distance she was trying to close between us, "please just-if you love my sister...really, properly love her...you'll leave. Leave before she gets too attached again."

"I do love her. And that's precisely why I'm here."

"I just want her safe," Katie insisted, slowly shaking her head. She sighed and I expected her to switch into standard Fitch Bitch mode...but her eyes remained soft and pleading. It confused the shit out of me.

"I-I can't promise I won't break her heart again but-"

"Oh for fuck's sake," Katie blurted, the resolve coming back, and her hands crossing over her chest in a huff. "This isn't about-_that_ she can fuck up all on her own if she wants. She can fuck whomever she wants, I don't give a shit anymore. But...any time she has ever been hurt...it's been because of you. I _asked_ you once a year ago, but if I have to I'll _tell_ you. Leave. Emily. Be. Naomi." Before I could raise my voice or even a hand against her, Katie was slumped down on her bed, seemingly more exhausted than I had ever seen her. "She scares the shit out of me," she confessed, her eyes locked forward to the vanity mirror as she spoke. My brow furrowed at the admission but she continued, "I know her. Better than you. I know she'll do anything to keep you...whether she realizes who you are yet or not."

The last of her statement caught my ear. Did Katie honestly believe Emily would- "Why did you hide her phone?" I accused, taking a step closer to where she sat, hoping to appear a bit more intimidating, "Toss our pictures, the things of us that belonged to her! Don't think I'm stupid, Katie, I know they're not here," My tone became harsher as her eyes shot up to meet mine in mock surprise, but fell by the time I finished. The blasé look on her face made me want to snap her like a twig. My hands shot to my side as my fingernails drilled into my palms. "It's like you're trying to fucking erase me," I whispered with an eerie calm, my arms shaking with rage.

"Exactly," she whispered as cool and even as a snake, "you're dangerous for her Naomi. She can't think around you. All of _this_ proves it."

"You're shitting me," my mouth gaped, and I was fairly certain my fingernails were going to draw blood if they dug any deeper. "You're actually blaming me for what happened?" Katie was in my face before I could step away, the ferocity in her protective stance adding a layer of intimidation to her small five foot three form.

"Emily left home because of _you_, she was in that accident because she was living with _you_, she almost jumped off a roof to prove something to _you_-"

"She told you about-"

"She died because of _**you**_, Naomi! You may have confessed you loved her enough to die for her, but it looks like Emsy beat you to it, didn't she?"

"Fuck you, Katie. You won't get me to believe any of that."

"Doesn't stop it from being true. Doesn't stop all of us waiting until the next time. Fucking countdown, innit?" Katie's voice was ice cold, but her eyes weren't playing games. She'd just meant every word she said, and while I knew I didn't believe it, there was no guarantee Emily wouldn't.

The bedroom door to my left squeaked open, and my peripherals alerted me Emily was wearing nothing more than a towel. As much as I wanted to admire the sight, Katie had pushed all the right buttons, and I willed my fury to curb itself. "What the fuck? I thought you and mum wouldn't be back for hours," that husky voice snapped, shutting the door behind her.

"What do you think only coming in here in a towel?" Katie returned with as much indignant vibrato, turning her attention to her twin. I did the only thing I could think of...turn my back while Emily dressed, and not for modesty's sake. Seeing the two begin to square off was sending all kinds of warning signals through my head, shaking the resolve I had thrown at Katie, immediately weakened by Emily's currently frail presence.

_"Everything's so...fragile...didn't you realize that? We were special."_

And we were still breakable.

"It's my fucking room I can do whatever I like, why does it matter?"

In this moment, Emily and I could still be shattered at the feet of those who still thought she was a victim.

"Yeah? While you have someone here?"

And as much as I wished it were otherwise, I knew I was not the person to convince them otherwise.

"Again...why are you home?" A dresser drawer pulled open and immediately slammed. The fight was going to escalate quickly and it wouldn't be long before Jenna barreled her way in and then this little squabble would escalate into a storm.

Swaying a bit on the spot, I turned back to the squabbling twins, tightening the grip around myself to steel my resolve. "Emily?" Sudden silence. I focused my eyes on her face, trying not to glance down at the still bare, and rather bruised, shoulders I couldn't stop wishing to wrap myself in. "I think maybe I should go." If it weren't for the weighty air in the room, the matching, gaping looks of the twins would be rather comical. Yet while Katie's lips began to curb into a superior smile, Emily pushed the brunette aside, putting only inches between us. My breath caught at the pleading look in the girl's eyes...and all the confusion I knew to be buried underneath.

_Guess you don't know your sister as well as you think, Katie._

"That's not necessary, I can see whomever I like, I can be around whomever I like, and I want you to stay, Naomi."

_Me too. I don't want to go anywhere, fuck, I really don't..._

"I think, I think maybe it's better to just-let you sort some things out, Emily. I'm-" Those eyes were going to kill me, so I sought out another pair. "I'm not going to come between you and your family, Emily, that's-that's not right." Katie's brow raised, and Emily practically stamped her foot in frustration.

"You know what?! Fuck you both! I'm so sick and tired of everyone pussy footing around me every goddamn second!" Emily wheeled on her sister again, and I took the opportunity to bypass them both and head for the door. I genuinely didn't want to be caught in the middle of an interrogation which would soon include all the Fitch women in the house. Turning the knob, I felt a hand grab my wrist. "Naomi, please-I-I'm sorry, I just-" I bit the inside of my cheek to prevent myself from silencing the painful cry in Emily's voice with my lips. I flipped my hand up gently to squeeze the palm that held me captive. Glancing back at her, I insisted,

"I'm not going anywhere, Em. But right now yes...I do need to leave..." I pulled the door open and stepped through, flying down the stairs and grabbed my bag.

Slamming the front door behind me, I pulled my bike from where it was parked around the corner of the flat, and hopped on, pedaling away as fast as I could. I wasn't running. That's not what this was. I meant what I said, I wasn't going anywhere, but...I couldn't be this barrier between Emily and her family any longer. That relationship needed to heal as badly as ours did, and if I needed to step back for a little while...I would. I really would do anything for her. No matter what it cost me.

Cost me it did. I didn't receive a single message from Emily over the next week and a half. The only reassurance I had no one had gone complete apeshit over my little appearance was Effy informing me otherwise. It wasn't long after that she made herself relatively scarce. I tried ringing Cook, remembering Effy said he'd all but disappeared himself, but the one time I dialed the number said it'd been disconnected. As long as the fucker wasn't dead...

Remaining cooped up in the house with Gina as my only outlet or company only served to resurface the bite back into my daily dialogue. Eventually, sick of even myself, I forced myself to get out of bed, get dressed and go out for a bit. I pedaled to a nearby coffee shop, locked the chain and stepped inside. Normally I'd opt for a vodka tonic during times like these, but if I was working on changing, that had to be a part of the old Naomi which had to go as well. Recreational was one thing, but alcohol had to stop being my masochistic punishment. Still, I lit up before heading in.

_One vice at a time._

I'd been in here a few times before. The atmosphere was relatively mellow and everyone liked to keep to themselves. All the coffee was organically grown and the place had a 'green' effect about it, recycled napkins and shit. I ordered a white tea with honey and once the hot drink was in hand, sank down into an atrociously seventies chic sofa bed. A familiar face was live at the microphone doing some sort of Joni Mitchell cover. With the song finished, the girl got a mild smattering of polite applause, myself included. Catching my eye, she smiled and waved, excusing herself from the mic for a bit of a break. The shop filled with a jazz tune as the singer came over and lit up a fag, swiveling into an adjacent barstool. "How've you been, Naomi?" the thick American accent asked.

I'd met Lana when Emily was away on holiday last summer. I'd come into the coffee shop, heard her play, and we got to chatting afterward. Nothing had ever happened between us. Despite the fact she was gay and never failed to hit on me at least once with every conversation we had, her confidence spoke volumes of her personal life. She was definitely someone who flirted with every friend she made, and possibly every person she spoke to. She was interesting. She was different. She was someone outside of the little bubble world of college, and a person who didn't spin my head about. Lana came to Bristol when she was fourteen, and every time we spoke she mentioned how it would probably be the last time I saw her; she'd have moved on by tomorrow and I'd have skipped an opportunity to have the best shag of my life. A year later from day one, and she was sitting in front of me. "Been better," I replied, taking a deep drag and an exhale before putting out the cigarette altogether. Tobacco ash really never did much for my taste in teas.

"Isn't that your usual story?" the mop-top American lesbian quipped, coiling her lips into a smile.

"More so than usual these days I'm afraid," I insisted, flopping my head back with a groan, "I can't believe I used to wish for the days where things were complicated." Lana laughed, shifting her seat around in half circles.

"What kind of crazy person asks for their lives to be all teeter-totter?"

"I did once." Eyeing me up and down, Lana's eyes twinkled in a way I had seen Effy's do on multiple occasions. Maybe I should ask her if she had an American cousin.

"So what's her name?" Chuckling I took another sip of my tea.

"And what makes you think I'm gay, as much as you clearly wish I were?" Lana's smile grew into a knowing grin.

"Because there's heartache over men, and there's heartache over women, and gorgeous...the latter is written all over your face." A solid line of thick smoke plummeted from her nose as she cocked her head to the side. "I'm never wrong," she drove home, pointing at me for emphasis. "Now I'm guessing you're here, and not there, because this whole thing has morphed from being your-" her fingers threw up an air quote "—'complicated' business to utter fuckery, right?" She nodded when I did nothing more than solemnly glare at her. "So naturally the last thing you want to do is talk about it. Fine by me. Feelings are vastly over-rated." Putting her cigarette out, she stood, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a Missy Higgins cover to belt out." Her fingers popped the top of my shoe playfully, "It'll get better, Naomi," she insisted with a smile before heading back to the stage.

"Yeah," I grumbled with an exhausted smile as she left me with my tea and my thoughts. The afternoon passed slowly after that, Lana's set finished up, and she invited me to go have a few drinks with she and her groupies...that's what she liked to call her petulant hodge-podge group of friends. I turned her down, not feeling entirely sociable, and playfully accusing her of trying to get me drunk so she could take me home. She'd taken the piss out of the situation by insisting a wall and locked door would be more than enough. Lana's bold insistence normally never bothered me the wrong way, but I had to shoo her away before it became an issue. Eventually she took the hint, but not before leaving me with a hug and sincere smile.

"Meant what I said," she'd whispered in my ear.

"About the shag or things getting better." With a chaste peck to my temple she muttered,

"Both gorgeous. Both."

Boredom set in fairly quickly after Lana left, but I couldn't quite convince myself to get up and go anywhere else. Bristol was an obnoxiously imprinted town, a shadow on every corner, and I wasn't up for a jonty stroll down memory lane. On several occasions, I pulled my phone from my bag, hoping I had heard it go off. Never any such luck.

_Great, you fucking twat, now you're hearing things. Jesus, I can't even remember the last time I really, properly slept…. _

A slight shake to my shoulder caused me to open my eyes and find I had fallen asleep in the comfort of the chair. "Huh?" I grumbled, looking around, the lights of the shop blurring as I began to focus. A short girl in an apron stood hunched over me.

"Sorry ma'am but...you were snoring and…I don't think we let homeless people sleep in here."

"Do I look homeless to you?" I crankily bit as a tight pang shot through my neck from the very awkward angle my head had fallen asleep in.

"No, no, sorry, my mistake," the young thing hurriedly muttered before backing away and running back to her counter, certain to break down in tears from the slight confrontation. I sighed, figuring it would be best to just head back to mine to forget this whole attempt at spending day even happened. The second my bag was in hand, my phone went off.

**Why do I feel you here?**

From Emily.

Stepping outside the shop, a little drizzle of rain tickled my nose as I continued to stare at the message. A simple solution would be to reply, asking where she was, wanting to know if she was asking me to follow her.

_No, that's not what this is. She wants you to do this yourself, Naomi. Where is she?_

Droplets fell on the screen while my eyes remained transfixed on the words until the light flicked off and my thumb smeared the rain against the glass. A terrorizing fear shook me as I wondered if she'd remembered about Sophia, about what I'd done…and that would lead her to one place. Shoving my phone into my pocket I dashed the six blocks to the night club. Pulling the back entrance door open, I looked around, but there were little more than a few day patrons sitting at the bar sipping on drinks. My eyes drifted to the staircase and a sinking feeling wrapped me into its stifling grasp as my hand glided the railing and I began to climb. I didn't see anyone in the continued ascent, my steps much slower than the last time I was here.

Reaching yet another heavy black door, I pushed the bar down and stepped out onto the windy roof. I nearly collapsed from relief when I took inventory of the entire area and saw Emily was nowhere to be found. Now with the option eliminated, I charged back through the door and out of the death trap, having it finally release me from its snare.

Car horns and bustle alerted me to how late the afternoon was growing as people hustled their way home from work. Taking another deep breath, I leaned against the building to try and drone out the rushed energy and hurried sounds about me.

_Where would you go Emily? Where would you go where you could feel me? Where out in this fucking messed up world would it surprise you to learn I had been?_

My eyes shot open as the revelation hit me like a brick to the back of the head. "Oh for fuck's sake, Naomi, you're a fucking idiot." I jogged back to the coffee shop and unlocked my bike. If I was lucky I could get there just before it started to get dark.

Forty-five minutes later I found Emily sitting with her knees pulled her chest, looking out over the lake's edge, only a few feet away from where she had made love to me for the very first time.


	8. Please Leave Your Taste On My Tongue

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Thank you for all the reads and reviews, guys, they really do mean the world to me. I'm happy you've stuck with me this far, and if you're just discovering this story, welcome, I hope you continue to like what you read. I originally had this one going really long but...eventually I conceeded to giving myself more time and split it up into two. So since this is kind of "part one"...it's a little on the shorter side. BUT as you can tell by the title, things finally start heating up for our lovely couple, so hopefully there's nothing to complain about ;) . Enjoy, read, and review my dears. Cheers! xoxo**

**CHAPTER EIGHT: Please Leave Your Taste On My Tongue**

"Posing for a folksy album cover?" I teased, braving to settle on the grass beside Emily. She turned her head toward me, looking me up and down before replying.

"What?" Her voice was tired, and her puffy, red eyes and swollen cheeks indicated she had spent a solid amount of time crying.

"Jesus, Emily, are you ok?" My hand reached toward her, fingers lightly draping across her elbow. Before I could inch any closer, she yanked her arm free and immediately repositioned back to where it was, leaving my intending to be comforting touch suspended in the air.

"I don't get you, Naomi. I don't understand how someone I barely know can fuck with my head like you manage to do."

_Well shit, didn't take her long to get to her point_.

I started to lower my hand, but Emily was quicker than my retreat, catching my fingers and placing them back where they were, wrapping hers on top of mine to keeping them firmly in place. She shifted, a choking sound escaping behind her lips, as her thumb roughly stroked the top of my own. "Three days ago I went back to the hospital for a review." The corner of her eye twitched at the memory. Immediate worry and the beginnings of fear sprung into my chest.

"Was it bad?" My voice trembled. I was certain terrible news would inform me Emily's condition had worsened, despite my best efforts otherwise.

"Yes," she muttered, and sensing the beginnings of my internal collapse, blinked and tenderly gripped my shoulder, "No-No, Naomi-not-not like that," she stammered, "I just meant-I fucking hate hospitals, ya know? Being poked and prodded like that. Not to mention those fucking MRI machines and the like...it was an awful afternoon." Watching the blinking stars slowly disappear after I nearly fainted, my free hand found Emily's delicate wrist and enveloped it.

"What did they say? Are you doing ok?" She nodded and mentally knocking myself in the head, noticed for the first time since I sat down, her stitching had been removed from around her brow; it was healing nicely. The bruise under her right eye had faded considerably, and the tiny other little cuts were all but faded pink knicks, as if she'd been colored on with a crayola. "You do look better, Ems," I observed with a smile. "Better than better, I'd say."

Her hands fell into her lap. I missed the contact instantly. "Wish my brain would be good and catch up, then," she pouted, and not for the first time in the last several days, I caught myself staring at the way the bottom of her lip would always pucker when she was put out. I'd spent hours staring at how the little plump thing would do just that.

In my moment of revalry, a knawing thought in the back of my mind echoed, and maybe learning the answer was a bit selfish, for many reasons, but...maybe I could relax a bit more around her if I knew the answer. "Emily," I began, finally braving to scoot in just a bit closer as a breeze from the lake kicked up toward us, "did you ever stop to think...maybe it's a good thing you can't remember whatever it is you've forgotten? Why is it important to you to get that peice of your memories sorted?"

"Would you ever be ok knowing there was a portion of your life you couldn't remember?" she answerd, as if it were the most obvious observation in the world. I shrugged.

"All the need to know is there...it's just..." my gaze found the spot in the lake Emily had been observing, "...maybe whatever it was...deserves forgetting..."

_Wow, you've gotten soddingly insightful haven't you?_

"Are you suggesting you're worth forgetting, Naomi," she muttered, a touch of bite to her voice, bringing me from the beginnings of my reflective stupor, "yeah..I worked that much out..." she added, cheekily grinning at the the gobsmacked expression on my face. "You're the only thing I think about on the daily and haven't got the faintest clue as to why." I wasn't sure if this confession was a breakthrough or not, but fucking hell if it didn't make me feel amazing. About her. About myself. About...any potential "us"...

"On the daily, eh?" I playfully flirted, curling my lips up in a sideways smile. Breaking away from her previously composed and confidant resolve, Emily shyed into herself, a tiny blush creeping onto her cheeks at her blunt admission.

"Yeah well, don't let it go to your head."

"How can it not?" I continued to chide, peacocking my shoulders back. "I am a fine speciman if I do say so myself." Emily laughed.

"With the prick to match," she zinged, earning a bit of a shove. Stealing a glance at our scenery, I realized soon it'd be too dark to even consider biking down the roads leading back home. We'd undoubtably be caught by the nightfall, and two girls trekking a mostly abandoned road at night? I didn't mind a bit of danger, or trouble, but there was adventure and then there was stupidity.

"You didn't really think this out, did you Em? Where's your bike?" Standing, she brushed the damp grass and dried leaf debris from the bottom of her pants.

"I walked."

"All this way?!" Traipsing off closer to the edge of the bank, Emily let out a disgruntled sigh.

"I left early this morning, not really...planning on coming out this far...let alone to this place...it's just where I ended up. I came here to think once upon a time. I wasn't aware anyone else knew about it until...until I got here and-" her eyes clenched shut, and I stood, stepping alongside her, ready to act in any circumstance this little interlude would introduce, "-I can't explain it...not without sounding like a ridiculous cliche but...I knew...somehow I knew you'd been here...and I'd been the one to bring you."

_Twice. You're going to do this to me twice. Naomi, no, you fucking-stop! Don't you dare leave me in your bed again!_

"Something like that," I finally admitted, shaking the chill of the phantom words from my memory.

"So it's true then?" I could hear the dawning in her voice, wistfully hoping I'd lead her down clearer path.

"Emily, if you figure things out on your own, you—figure them out. I'm afraid it's the only…safe way of anything changing." I hadn't admitted that to anyone, least of all to the last person who needed to hear it.

"You can be rather annoying, you know that?" I smiled.

"What can I say? You inspire it in me." Exhasperated, she groaned, her hands swiping at the bangs the wind blew in her face.

"Why can't you just tell me? Why can't anyone just fucking tell me?!" Soon that stubborn Fitch temper would see her traipsing off into the dark if I didn't think of something astronomically clever to say to keep her with me. She gaped at me once more, as if to ask, 'well?' a light slapping of her thighs signalling her hands had dropped to her side. As she rounded off toward the road, I delicately blocked Emily's path.

"Everyone's under doctor's orders," I finally confessed, "everyone…including me. And Emily…I'm afraid that's all I can tell you. Please…don't ask me again."

I waited for the fight to begin. To have her break into another justfiable, if not utterly exhausting, schpeel about how unfair she was being treated, and how she could handle whatever the circumstances were. I couldn't empathize with what she was going through, but I did know what it felt like to be a prisoner of circumstances.

_I'd left a note on the door of my flat...a flat I'd not long ago called 'ours'...and after several excruciatingly long hours Emily emerged from the street and made her way to the patio. Taking it from where it was taped to the window, I watched her read the words I'd written on the front. 'I'll do anything.' She'd turned to go and I wouldn't've been able to blame her. I don't know what made her turn around, open the door, and step inside. I'd only hoped she still felt an ounce of the love I'd cemented into my heart the minute Sophia's book had revealed me. _

The year had been one of the worst of my life, because like she always had, Emily wanted everything and nothing from me. Then? I didn't know how to give it to her. Now? I could at least learn how. As long as I didn't fuck this up. Her deep, brown eyes continued to tear into mine, searching for a break in my resolve but...this time...I had to be strong. I had to be brave. I had to be all the things my Emily told me I could be. This time the Ice Queen had to stand guard of the fortress and beg the beautiful huntress to desist. After a few more seconds had passed in immobile silence, my feet fidgeted under the crunch of the leaves, rubbing my arms as I looked around. "Will Katie and your mum start to get worried if you aren't home soon?"

"I texted Effy once I got here. Asked her to cover for me because I needed to clear my head. That and my phone died not too long ago so..." I nodded as my eyes flitted to a nearby oak tree which I knew would drape us a fairly decent canopy once night started to fall.

_Fucking hell, thought I would never be here again._

"We should-we should try and get a fire going then," I suggested.

"I didn't bring anything to lay on," Emily bemoaned, disgruntledly eyeing the lumpy ground. Biting the side of my lip, I reached for my own bag and found I'd left one of my thicker coats inside. It made for a really good pillow whenever I spent several hours at a coffee shop or library and just wanted to rest me head against something for a few moments.

"Guess we'll have to sleep sitting up, but I do have this. It should fit under us both fairly well." Grabbing the heavy object from my hands, she threw me a coy smile. She didn't have to say a word to get me to match the look on her face as we trudged out toward some of the brushier areas and began collecting wood and branch needles as kindling. Within a half hour we had a fairly decent blaze as the sun was finishing up it's final lap across the tip of the trees and past the glow of the lake.

The heat of the flames bounced against my face as I took a drag off the fag I had just lit. I had barely inhaled before Emily had pulled the paper from my lips and was taking her own serenely enjoyable pull. I watched her fingers balance the thing object as her lips released the white smoke to go dance amongst the shadowy gray emitting from the fire. It was the first time I had allowed myself to really look at her since we had situated ourselves against the thick, rough bark of the tree, the ground crunching lightly with each shift of our asses. I wasn't sure which image was more striking, the way the water silhouetted in the backdrop of Emily's red hair, or the way the licks of the flames played against the darkening of her deep brown irises.

"Emily," I whispered, her head turning toward me, the darkening of the brown sparkles in her eyes hitching my breath for just a moment before my fingers reclaimed my cigarette and I smiled, playfully chiding, "forget your own?" I took another hit to calm my racing my heart against the images I had just illustrated in my head. I willed my pulse to still before something more flirtatious exited my mouth from being in close proximity in such a familiar setting.

"Don't ever finish one I start myself. I just really enjoy the little pout on your face whenever I take something from you." I laughed as she smiled, but my stomach contracted, wishing Emily knew how close to the line she was playing it. I plastered a non-chalant look into my brow as I cocked on eyebrow at the face merely inches from mine.

"Take pride in my petulance, do you, Miss Fitch?" I prodded, knowing I would get my desired typically irritated reaction from her. And I certainly wasn't disappointed.

"Tosser," she giggled. Rolling her eyes at me, she pulled her legs toward her, and let out a small smile. Her chin was soon resting atop her knees, and my fag extinguished in the nearest dry leaf. The crackling fire, random forest animals, and breeze in the shifting leaves filled the silence between us for what felt like hours before Emily spoke again. "I don't know why you're here now...I don't know why you were here then...but...I'm glad for both." She hadn't looked up from where her eyes had taken root in the dance of the flames, and I had to bite the inside of my cheek from the tears that were threatening to escape. "That's what I've come up with and...it's the only answer I get, isn't it?" I bit down harder, possibly drawing blood.

"For now," I insisted, wishing I could instantly take those words back and make it otherwise. It unnerved me when Emily would get this way. It'd always thrown me for an irreverasble loop, and I hated myself for what I was doing to her, what it always seemed I was doing to her. "Tired at all?"

"Not really," she yawned as she pulled her arms up into a high, over-the-head stretch. I smiled and breathed a quiet laugh, about to exhibit the same release before she had closed the distance between us completely and rested her head atop my shoulder. To what I think was both of our surprises, I didn't stiffen whatsoever, merely rested my head atop hers as we continued to stare into the fire. "Think it'll get cold tonight?" I shrugged my opposite shoulder.

"I don't imagine it should be too bad. Once the fire goes down though it may be another story." A few extra moments of silence passed before Emily spoke again, her voice lower and smattered with hesitance.

"Could I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"Would you hold me?" I swallowed.

"Why do you feel the need to ask?"

"Because I'm not certain you would." I shut my eyes to slow my breathing before the rise and fall of my chest revealed exactly how much I wanted to honor Emily's request. My mouth had gone completely dry as my head exploded with a big brass band blaring out all sorts of warnings against any acquiescence. I squeezed my lids tighter to shut it right the hell up. "You'll help keep me warm," she nudged, scooting closer into my side, her hands lightly gripping my dangled arm.

_I will._

Nodding my affirmation, I pulled my arm free from where it was being held captive and upon standing myself, offered my hand down to help Emily to her feet. Without question, she took it and stepped off my coat. I removed the jacket from where it was previously offering us a warm bedspread and resumed my position, only indian style. I balanced the jacket across my left arm, draping it as an open blanket and lightly patted my leg to indicate for her to sit. Emily hesitated for a moment as if she were just fully comprehending the entire implication of her request. I did my best to give her a reassuring smile, and it wasn't long after doing so she situated herself in my lap. Once my arms enclosed the jacket around us, a symphony began in my heart. I finally had Emily back in my arms. I could smell the remnants of her body wash and shampoo, could feel her breathing against me, her bare skin touching mine in sporatic areas across our bodies. Her head was lulled back against my chest as she continued to stare forward into the fire. I could sense her hands in her lap, unsure where else to possibly put them in this close proximity. Bolding a choice for us both, I wrapped her finger in my own and delicatedly rested them against her. After a thundering beat or two of my heart, I felt a tiny squeeze against my palm.

The fire, the crickets, and the swishing water offered us a soundtrack as the night fully encompassed the lake. We sat quietly, listening to it for several minutes before a loud pop in the wood shot us out of my revere. "Jesus!" we both shrieked, falling almost immediately into tension breaking giggles as I leaned back against the tree trunk. I readjusted as I felt a rock poke me in the assk, and tossed the peice of limestone out into the growing darkness. From there it was difficult to find a comfortable position, and Emily leaned out of my arms.

"If you think you'll be uncomfortable I can always-" the tightening of my arms silenced any rebuttal. I even braved to let one hand unlatch itself and lightly stroked Emily's arm, pulling her back into me, closer this time. As a result she practically curled into my chest, her eyes turning from the fire and her head found it's way back into the crook of my neck. The warmth of her forehead and nuzzling of her cheek atop my shoulder flooded me in a toe-curling sensation. She exhaled a smug laugh. "Right then," she muttered, her voice husky and practically dripping with allure.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing. Perhaps if I could convince her I was actually tired, she would eventually conceed to the lie and lull off to sleep herself. After all, as far as I knew she was still taking relatively decent doses of vicodin every day. It had to eventually take it's toll on her consciousness. When I hoped for stillness, I instead felt her shift, her hand leaving the confines of mine to reach up and play with the collar my shirt, her fingers occasionally grazing my skin underneath. I tried and failed to hide the shivers which transcended to goosebumps at the featherlight contact.

I heard and felt her breath steadily increase with each inhale and exhale, and as it were on autopilot reaction, mine did the same. By the time I the cogs in my brain turned well enough to speak, I was practically panting. "Emily...you all right?" Her head slowly nodded twice against my chest. Fearing she was having a momentary episode, and not that she was finding the contact as maddeninly inticing as I was, I unwillingly pulled her away to look her over. The dying embers silhouetted her face, and with the addition of the reflective moonlight I very nearly had to physically restrain myself from pulling her back into me and ravishing her within an inch of her life. "Emily," I urged, ignoring the desires of my heart...and...other places...searching her face to find...reciprocation? No. No that couldn't be, my wishful thinking was being broken by my own aching want. "Emily, answer-"

_Apparently not..._

Emily's lips pressed against mine in a full but closed-mouth kiss, breaking my sentence and robbing me entirely of air from just the stationary contact. As she lingered, I found the flood gates collapsed and I couldn't fight myself, or her, any longer. My arms tightened around Emily's tiny waist yet again, only this time in an effort to feel her heart pulse against mine as a hand reached into my hair and cupped the blistering hot cheek beneath it. A gentle massage eased into Emily's kiss, urging me to open my mouth, but before I could do so, an unwanted and cold absence glided across my now barren and pleading lips. I kept my eyes closed as the shift in Emily's weight informed the rest of my shell-shocked body she had pulled away slightly. My lips vibrated all the way into the back of my head from the lingering sensation.

Opening my eyes briefly to assess Emily's reaction, I was instead greeted with the return of her lips, which seized mine with more passion and fervor than the tentative questions that had played atop her last kiss. Now she was hungry and was looking to pry my mouth open with her own. I could deny her who I was. I could not deny her access into me. Not any more. Four years was enough of a fucking waiting period. For both of us. I parted my lips so our tongues could begin their slow and languid tango. Kissing Emily was my drug, my ambrosia, my heaven. I didn't know it was possible to miss doing something this much. I tasted a salty wetness between us, and when I broke our lips' embrace and opened my eyes, I found clouds of unshed tears still dancing on my eyelids.

_Fuck's sake, when did you become such a cry baby..._

An immediate bout of worry and confusion glossed over Emily's face, but I didn't know where to begin to explain. I could only stare at her and sniffle back the remaining tears. Where I would begin to disclose what this felt like for me? Gently wiping each tear away with a tiny smile Emily inquired simply, "Ok?" I swallowed hard before offering her my best impression of the smile she'd just given me.

"More than," I reassured her, throwing at least a crumb of what she wanted...of what she deserved. It seemed to satisfy her, at least as much as two words could, and she lay her head back on my shoulder. Her fingers quickly found the hem of my shirt as she wrapped them around her hands, and I was left to stare back into the fire.

"Your heart's beating really fast," she commented, tightening the fabric at the hem just a little bit more.

"Is it?" A comment more than a question. She cuddled just the tiniest bit closer.

"Mine too." There was something behind that comment, something which suggested to me, 'Here I am feeling this...do you feel the same way too?' But I couldn't answer the question...not just yet...as if what I had just done hadn't offered us both a million more...if even my kiss couldn't bring any memories to the surface...

_What could?_

"Maybe we should try and get some sleep." Another pause.

"Yeah," she finally replied, "that...that sounds good."

As I watched the fire die, I glanced down to see Emily's staring out into the extinguishing flames. Neither of us were going to nod off any time soon.

_If at all._

Occasionally throughout the night I caught myself dozing off and being reawoken almost immediately by the weight of my head lulling to one side, or feeling Emily shift atop me. It was rare she moved though, keeping her hands wrapped in my shirt and her head resting in the crook of my shoulder and neck. The ground was damping in the fall of the night air, and I was certain I would wake up with everything aching from a proper lack of circulation. I pulled Emily closer, knowing _this_ morning at the lake would find us still wrapped up in one another. The way it should've been two years ago when I found this beautiful woman asleep at my side for the second time in our lives.

Waking up next to Emily Fitch would no longer be terrifying...or uncertain. It would be wonderful.


	9. Wondering What's On Your Mind

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hello, guys! Miss me? Sorry it's taken me two weeks to update (unfortunately expect these time gaps on the regular now) but I got to spend time with my best mate who flew in to visit my lovely girl and I. Miss her already. Here that Katiekins? You're getting a shout on my chapter! I just recently got her addicted to "Skins," and she's a pretty hardcore Freffy shipper. Don't judge her too harshly, guys, she still digs the Naomily.**

**At any rate, thank you lot for your patience. Hopefully this chapter was worth your wait, and I know I originally said this would be about 11-12 chapters but…apparently these two have other plans so you all might see me push it closer to 15, maybe even 20! Would you like that? **

**Anyway, here it is, my lovelies! Read, review, and cheers!**

**CHAPTER NINE: Wondering What's On Your Mind**

As soon as the sun was bright enough to break through the trees, I slowly began to stir under the broken canopy. My legs had gone slightly numb from Emily's weight still atop mine, but right now, who needed legs? Emily Fitch had just spent the night in my arms...after I had been utterly convinced I'd lost her for a second time. A cough exited my throat before I could stop it, undoubtedly a side effect of the brisk night air and the my unbroken smoking habit. Pulling Emily closer to me as she stirred from the shake my chest had just given us both. Her sleepy eyes opened into mine and with a groggy morning smile she whispered, "Hi." Her voice was velvet in my ears and orchestrated the warmth and calm I felt despite the tightening of my back and shoulders.

"Hey yourself," was my thoughtful reply. The meeting of our eyes found Emily's gaze...distant. For a blip of a moment I wondered if perhaps I had taken things a bit too far a bit too fast last night.

_**She **__kissed __**me **__though...fucking hell, Naomi, how often have you thought that in the last four years..._

As if she could yet again read my mind, the thought was silenced as Emily's lips found mine in a brief, close-mouthed press. My lips began to slowly work against hers for a fraction of a second, but before I could even find a rhythm she had pulled away. And my eyes were back to that transfixed gaze...only now the trepidation in them seemed to be ebbing.

"I'm glad you let me do that." I cocked a sleepy eyebrow.

"Why wouldn't I?" She gave a small shrug of her shoulders in response before shuffling clumsily to her feet. The despondent look on her face heralded the stretching space from moments ago to a horse galloping return. Pushing it to the back of my mind for a few moments, I awkwardly stood and tried to at least close the phyiscal breach between Emily and I. She'd been out of my arms for seconds and it already felt like far too long. The cramps of half-sleeping in the dirt all night made sure I had a difficult time gathering my things, but once my pulsing and tingling feet found their balance again, I was in step with her as she approached my bike, her back facing the road as opposed to me. Gingerly, I placed my arm on her shoulder, "Emily what-"

Turning, she gave me a small but sincere smile. "Think I could ride on your handlebars?" I couldn't hide the twinge of hurt in my eyes as she brushed her arm out from my fingertips, causing the uneasy air which had fallen between us to thicken, but I nodded all the same.

"After we get over the hill, though. I think I smoke way too much to be able to pump us both up at the same time." Emily's ears automatically started to pink at my word choice, and a small spiteful part of me was glad I could knowingly give her a bashful reaction. My smugness didn't last very long as her eyes failed to meet mine once we began walking. She trudged beside the bike but behind me by a few steps. Through the defeaning silence, I pondered what had turned her into this shy bashful creature who was no reflection of the nervous yet confidant girl who kissed me last night. And this morning. Because of the contradiction, I didn't know which way was best to handle it.

Did I address last night? Probably. Did I do it now? Well we did have a bit of a walk in store for us before we could reach a bus stop to take us the rest of the way back to the Fitch flat. For what seemed like hours but in reality was merely a few minutes, there continued to be nothing more than the sound of the tires trekking across brush and cobblestones. I opened my mouth several times to speak, but could only come up with obnoxiously uncomfortable pleasnatries. 'You all right?' 'Fine. You?' 'Tired.' 'Yeah.' It was more of the same until we reached the top of the hill where I could safely steady Emily atop my handlebars. "Sure you can do this?" I asked. Her eyes shot up to look me dead on for the first time in a while and I saw a spark of defiance in them.

_There you are, Emily..._

"A challenge, yeah?" she quipped, a small smirk forming at the corner of her lips. I giggled at how adorably her nose crinkled when she was comically ominous.

"No, Em, it was just a question," I stated through the tail end of my light laughter. When she crossed in front of my bike and began situating herself on top of the front bars I had my answer. _Shit, I better be careful._ As I peddled us back toward town, I fought my enjoyment over how much Emily seemed to be enthralled with the precarious thrill of maintaining her balance. I tried not to linger on the scent of her hair as the wind blew it or the tiny little shrieks she would emit when I "accidentally" twisted the handlebars a bit to fast without warning her...but after a brief while...I told my brain to fuck off.

Gratefully most of this journey was downhill so I was only having to worry about keeping the brakes at a decent speed. After what I'd wager was about thirty minutes we hit an avenue leading into the city. Hopping off the front handle bars, Emily beamed back at me with a huge smile. "That was fun. A lot easier than hoofing it." I returned her enthusiastic showcase with a smile of my own, and to my disappointment, her face immediately sobered and yet again, she wanted to look everywhere but at me. Groaning, I allowed us to fall back into the pace Emily had established back in the wooded path.

_What's with the bi-polar see-saw mind-fuck, Emily..._

As we walked the few blocks to the bus stop, I eventually managed to pipe up. "You all right, Em? Need anything?" The red-head shook her head a bit, keeping her eyes toward her destination.

"Didn't get much sleep last night...still pretty tired." The clanking of my bike's turning handles was soon met with a small buzz of oncoming traffic. It was still fairly early in the morning and so the barely lit, gray sky didn't offer much in the way of cheering spirits. Not that it ever did in Bristol.

"You should try and catch up on that then." Emily appeared to be pondering something quite ferociously for a while. As we neared the overhang for the bus, she finally turned to me, stepping toward me and snapping my eyes to her as if they were on autopilot.

"See me home?" she asked. I did my best to shoulder a cheeky grin to hide my excitement.

"You're making an awfully lot of requests these days. First your hair, then keeping you warm, then-" I broke off as the images and sensations from Emily's kiss drove electricity through my body. I swore I released a visible shiver, despite doing my best to keep the shakes of it at bay. "-you'd think I had reached high demand," I managed to finish, although it was with a considerably smaller dosage of snark. Emily bit her lower lip before a confident smirk crossed her face.

"Still haven't answered my question. See me home?" Braving a bit of a bolder move, I shifted my bike to the other side of the railing and fully closed the physical space between myself and the frail red-head. I wanted to kiss her again. But a tiny spark of nerves in her eyes, and not the  
"good fluffy bunnies feel" kind, signaled now might not be the right time. So instead I opted to just placing a kind hand on her shoulder.

"Sure," I answered in a low whisper, which earned me a bashful smile in return.

It wasn't long after we found ourselves sitting in the same uncomfortable silence while we waited on the bus to arrive. I occasionally kicked the spokes of my bike just for something to do. Somewhere in the last five minutes I had reached into my bag and pulled out a fag, pulling the flaming tobacco smoke deep into my lungs to steady my weary muscles.

I'd already had more of a work-out than any other physical exertion I'd exhibited in nearly two months. I'd just barely gotten over punishing my body with pints and pints of the stoutest alcohol I could clasp my lips to, and now I'd just gone and spent the night on a forest floor.

_With a little over a hundred pounds of beautiful Fitch twin atop me_. I grinned. _Yeah...that part wasn't so bad... _

Pulling me from my thoughts, a blaze of pain shot through my lower back. I gripped the bottom of the bench, releasing a tiny grunt. Squinting, I stifled a whimper only to feel a tiny hand land atop mine as if it had arrived by feather carrier. "You ok?" Emily's small voice asked. She'd been a good foot away not a moment ago, now the rhythm of her increased breathing could be felt through her shoulder into mine as our arms brushed against one another.

Exhaling slowly, I looked down to see I had crushed my cigarette in half with the force my fingers and mashed it into the piece of weather torn metal. But more importantly, just atop my white knuckles was Emily Fitch's hand…whiter than it usually was having been without much sunlight exposure in these last months…the tiniest remnant of an IV scar just below her middle finger. My mind did a sudden flash to how my hand used to drape over hers for hours and days on end while I waited for my Emily to come back to me. In some ways she had…in others… "Fine," I lied, throwing her a small smile as I met her eyes. They were tired and blurry but laced with concern. And…something else I thought I knew but…in this state, with everything still so unbalanced, so uncertain, so...undefined…I couldn't be sure what it was I was seeing. Biting my lip, I hoped maybe I'd reached some level of right place and right time because I didn't think I could hold back this next sentence for another second. "Emily I'm—I'm worried."

Emily visibly swallowed but didn't move her hand. "About?" The question suggested she knew why, but I continued anyway. She'd need to hear it for it to be true.

"You. Mostly you. But a little bit for me too." As if it were the largest twat block in the history of events, the bus pulled up and I released an audible groan and eye roll. "Christ," I mumbled as Emily stood and immediately moved for the door on the bus while I did my best to get my bike on through the back. I found her leaned against the back bench, head already placidly turned toward the soon to be passing traffic outside. I groaned at the weight of the bike, at the weight of my tired muscles, at my utter failure at saying something sooner to avoid going back to...this. Eventually we were seated again, this time more than a good foot between us the silence. My steeled resolve had ebbed away.

_Maybe this will be so much fucking easier if I continue to keep my mouth shut._

"You—you were saying something earlier-?" Emily's voice was laced with trepidation as she continued to stare out the window just over her shoulder.

_No. That won't do. She wants me to spill she has to look at me. I will protect her, but she can't hide._

Reaching up I gently laced my thumb and forefinger around her chin. I met no resistance as I was allowed to turn Emily to face me. The tenderness in her eyes was glossed with a layer of worry, perhaps fear. As she opened her mouth to speak, I whispered in a huskier tone, my finger lightly stroking the outline of her jaw, "It's ok..." my lips drew closer to hers as Emily closed her eyes and licked her lips, "it's ok…" Emily inhaled before I flushed my lips to hers. The kiss was gentle and adoring, my fingers folding to lightly stroke Emily's chin as she opened her mouth. Her tongue lightly danced across mine, sending thousands of air light tingles flying down my spine. After a few moments, Emily pulled back slowly. My hazy eyes sobered at her bewildered stare.

_Oh shit I over did it, ooohhhshitohshiohshit…._

"Naomi," she whispered. But I didn't have a chance to find out any more. Inadvertently, Emily's small hands pressed against a particularly sore spot in my lower back causing me to hiss out a graon. Emily narrowed her eyes in concern, and began to withdraw from my arms. I briefly tightened mine sheer on instinct, but ultimately allowed her to pull away as she looked hard at the spained expression imbedded on my face. "Jesus, Naomi are you alright? I didn't—I didn't hurt you last night or anything?" The previous indication of my name had disappeared into an afterthought. I situated at a comfortable yet close distance, easing the mounting cramp which was suddenly taking root in the place Emily had previously pressed. I already missed the fingers' pressure, regardless of its somewhat uncomfortable side effects.

"Nothing you did hurt me last night, Emily." I bit the lower part of my lip as the words echoed through in a breathy whisper. I hadn't intended on it being a loaded statement, and as a result, and to my disappointment, Emily resituated her feet from resting close to mine to firmly folded at the ankles just below her. The distance between us fighting like hell for dominance again, and before I could rebuttal it back, the bus pulled into the depot of our stop.

"That's us," Emily insisted, offering me a sideways smile as she headed immediately for the door.

Once I got to me feet, I gripped my bike up to my weary shoulders, "Shit this thing is heavy," and navigated myself clumsily off the bus. My shoulders and back were stiff from the vibrations of the ride and once I had my bike firmly planted on the sidewalk I immediately felt drained. "Fuck," I muttered as the doors closed behind us and we began walking the last half a mile down the street. I rolled my shoulders while Emily opted to follow on the other side of my bike.

The girl was running abnormally hot and cold. This had been my repartee for the early stages of our relationship, and if I were to be perfectly honest with myself, as much as I loved spending time with Emily in whatever capacity, I could see now why she'd found my actions to be so…annoying. Every attempt at getting her to open up and speak to me about last night seemed to be failing at this morning. Normally I'd bicker into an argument, but that was before. Now I was left with one option: I allowed time to pass in silence as we navigated the last few blocks to Emily's flat.

Once we arrived at the front stoop, Emily made her way through the wrought iron gate while I waited just outside. I felt my heart pang a little bit…after everything we'd just shared she wasn't even going to say goodbye? Pursing my lips, I rolled my eyes. Even I could only take so much. "See you, then," I called after her as she made her way to the front door. Turning over her shoulder she seemed to realize for the first time I wasn't in step behind her.

"What're you on about, you're coming in." Shaking my head, I laughed.

"Emily we've been over this. I'm not welcome in that house." Her hand slipped a key into the knob and she pushed the door open.

"You are now. No one's going to stop you from being here. Besides…listen…" I didn't hear anything. "…they're all out."

_Fuck. Emily and I alone. Now? After…__**now**__?!_

"Em, I'm not sure if—"

Without waiting for a reply, Emily stepped into her flat, leaving the door wide open. As she disappeared into the hallway, she clearly assumed I'd follow her in, but after the way she'd treated me this morning why should I? As always...the answer was the same.

_Because it's Emily._

"Shit," I grumbled as I pushed the bike past the gate and up toward the front stoop. I didn't bother locking it up, just awkwardly placed it gingerly against the side of the brick before slowly making my way up the steps and into the flat.

Shutting the door behind me, I heard a tap turn on in the kitchen. Making my way through the hallway Emily stood at the sink which was filled with dishes, popping what I assumed was her dose of vicodin. She nearly drained the entire glass in a single gulp. A tiny cusp of worry fell over my face as I remembered not seeing her take anything last night. How long had she gone without...?

"Thirsty?" I mumbled lightly, causing her jump at my sudden vocal appearance. When she turned I saw she'd spilt quite a bit of the water down her front. "Shit, sorry," I grumbled, placing my bag on a chair in the kitchenette to go and help clean up the mess I'd made.

"It's ok," Emily insisted, placing the glass in the sink and taking a towel, began to wipe away at her front. "Good thing mum did laundry yesterday." While she made her way into the nook to grab a fresh t-shirt, I leaned against the table, and braved a question.

"Em...why is it suddenly ok for me to be here?"

"Because I sorted it," she explained in the calmest, most forward stance I'd seen her make since we'd awoken that morning. "I told mum and Katie to sod off, I wanted to have you around, and they weren't allowed to make a fuss about it anymore."

"Or you'd what—move out?" Emily's lips thinned and tightened as she crossed her arms at the way my sentence had dripped in sarcasm. By her sudden body language shift, I took it to mean that's exactly what she'd threatened. "Oh." Swallowing, I took a step forward. "Emily, I meant what I said. I didn't want to come between you and your family. I don't want to be the reason you fight with them."

"And contrary to your egotistical assumption, Naomi…it wasn't about you. It was about me. And them." My previously gaping mouth closed in a moment of pride as I smiled at her. And somewhere deep in my heart, a familiar pang resonated at how brassy her balls still were. With a small nod of my head, I mumbled,

"Good for you then, Em. I know firsthand how stubborn you can be when the need arises." Her eyes twinkled a bit as she stepped further into the kitchen.

"Yeah?" I gave her a tiny smile and nodded. "Well it wasn't the first row we'd had since I'd come back from the hospital. Just the longest." Stretching she released a yawn, as the raised fabric of her shirt exposed just the tiniest bit of her abdomen. With lackluster effort to the contrary, my eyes stole a bit of a perv. Unfortunately the butterfly feelings were short lived once I caught a few glimpses of scars coming just out from her pant line. I'd seen her without her shirt on the last time I was here, but theses had been carefully hidden somehow. So it wasn't with great surprise, my hand instinctually reached to touch them. Millimeters from her skin, the cotton was lowered like a curtain, obstructing my fingertips from their target. I'd wanted to comfort and touch but…admittedly…wanted more to touch. When my eyes met back to hers, she gave me a delicate smile. "None of it hurts anymore. Honestly." I nodded as Emily released another yawn, causing me to do the same.

"Stop that, it's contagious," I smirked, covering my mouth to ease the inhale down.

"These pills will kick in pretty quickly." Folding my arms over my chest, I moaned as another slight pang shot down my back.

"Yes, well…suppose that means I should—"

"Or you could stay," Emily proposed, her eyes keeping connected to the ground. "Mum and Katie left a note on the fridge. They've gone to one of James' football games which means they'll all go out to dinner afterward. I assume Effy must've told them a solid story if they weren't worried about me tagging along." Swallowing, I found the spot in the floor where Emily was gazing suddenly very interested in the design of the tile.

"So that leaves you home alone again?" My voice was small and just…the tiniest bit hopeful. Inside, my brain was screaming about all the bad this could potentially be. But the thought of going even longer without being around Emily…especially having now…felt her lips…on more than one occasion…I shook my head.

_Stop being ridiculous. Jesus Christ, Em. What do you want? What are you expecting from me?_

"Look, Emily…I don't know if this is such a good idea I just—"

My ears rang in the silence that followed as Emily pressed her lips tenderly against mine. She massaged my bottom lip as I returned the pressure I was receiving, still too taken aback from the gesture to really allow my body to do much else. "Relax, will you?" she whispered against me, her voice dripping with the same huskiness she had exhibited last night. "You can sleep on the floor if it'd make you stay." Blinking a few times to clear my vision, I licked my lips and cleared my throat.

"That'd probably be better, yeah," I agreed. Smiling, Emily turned and began her ascent to her bedroom. My heart thundered in my chest as I followed her. By the time I had made my way through her bedroom door, Emily was sorting through a few afghans and duvets. Grabbing her body pillow, she knelt to arrange everything on the floor. Stooping by her side quickly, I took the thick objects from her with a smile. "Here, I can manage," I insisted, tossing the pillow up against her nightstand. She smiled, her eyes glazing over, no doubt from the pending onslaught of drugs, and stood slowly, leaving me to it.

The floor wasn't really altogether too uncomfortable, but it didn't stop my body from practically vibrating with want of being in Emily's bed instead. Pulling the heavily woven afghan to my chin I tried hard not to picture last night and how warm I had been in contrast to the slightly chilled carpeted floor beneath me. Sighing, I reached into my bag and pulled out my cell phone as Emily got situated in bed. Setting the alarm for exactly two hours from now, I placed the object just beneath my pillow so it wouldn't wake Emily when it sounded.

_So, what you're going to sneak off? Just leave after everything…well it's not like she's going to talk about it any time soon now is she?_

"You will let me know," a quiet voice above my head uttered. I glanced up from my peripherals where my head rested against the blue starry pillow, half expecting to see Emily's face leaning over the mattress to peer down at me. I was met only with ceiling. "When you leave? You won't just—disappear, will you?"

"Leave you a post it note on your pillow? 'Naomi slept here?' Cap it off with a smiley face?" I wasn't surprised when she huffed.

"I would hope not, that's so cheesy." I bit the bottom of my lip to hold back a smile, but immediately was washed in a wave of sadness as I was reminded she had no recollection of the time she had done exactly that. And I had awoken with her handwritten name tattooed against my cheek. I remember the way I had initially caressed it as if instead of an etching there had been a kiss implanted instead.

"I can't stay long…" I whispered, "…but I promise to wake you." I waited for a response but after a few moments was met only with the sounds of heavy breathing. Slowly, I rose to a sitting position, and using the last of my strength, lightly pressed my lips to the back of Emily's head. The mattress gave a light creak from the pressure my upper body was giving it, but Emily didn't shift or stir. She was clearly out for the count.

Regaining my position on the floor, I had to fight that tiny part of my brain that still begged me to bolt wherever Emily confused the fuck out of me. And that's certainly all this morning had been. One great big clusterfuck of not talked about series of events…and kisses…I smiled as I resituated myself amongst the covers.

_Kisses_…was my last thought as I succumbed to sleep.

I had expected vibration of my phone to be the thing to alert me from my red-induced dream haze. Instead, as my cheek pressed into the lumpiness of the low pillow, it was the sound of light creaks as Emily shifted in the bed. My eyes opened slowly, blinking back the remnants of sleep. How long had I been out? I pulled my phone from beneath my head and checked I still easily had another twenty minutes to go before it would begin buzzing. Though I suppose if Emily was asleep and I didn't need to be any more cognizant to make my way back home I should…

"Oooohhh," I heard above my head. A low but quiet moan. My body tensed and my eyes shot open, wide awake now from the familiarity of _that _sound. The bed creaked again and this time Emily definitely shifted. My blood began to burn and my cheeks flushed as the red-head released a series of tiny groans. I could picture her face. She was biting her lip…she always did that when she…

_When she was trying to be quiet….oh gods, Emily…please don't be doing what I think you're doing up there…please…_

Another deliberate shift of spring suggested I was right on the money as the crinkling sound of the sheets was followed by a tiny, stifled, high-pitched whimper. I scrunched my eyes tightly closed, trying my damndest to ignore how hard my heart was starting to thunder.

_Please just be dreaming, please just be dreaming, oh for the love of god Emily just be dreaming…._

My hands clutched the front of the duvet and blankets as Emily's breathing became somewhat vocal and audible. She'd found a rhythm and pace and my legs clenched tightly at the thought of what she had to be doing up there. Her moans got slightly louder and I brought my palm up to my mouth and clamped down on it tightly, nearly drawing blood from the pressure I was exuding. I could feel my own center begin to pulse.

_Fuck's sake Emily, don't you remember I'm down here? Please remember I'm down here and stop this!...oh fuck, who am I kidding…please don't stop, whatever you do…don't stop…_

Before I even realized it, I had my free hand down my own pants and my fingers were rubbing tightly against my knickers. This was all it took from her. From Emily. Knowing she was up there, feeling waves of pleasure…touching herself. I so desperately wanted to touch her. I bit harder onto my hand as I slowed my fingers against the rhythm of Emily's.

_Maybe I can dial it back, maybe it'll be over soon, maybe…_

"Naomi…"

_Fuck that does it. She's thinking of me. She's up there tossing salad thinking…of me…_

My hand went straight into my knickers to find the wetness Emily had been entirely responsible for. I buried my face into the pillow as I whimpered.

_Gods Emily I want to touch you…to feel you…to…_

I knew what her hands would be doing. How they would be touching and caressing, and the soundtrack above my head only spurred my own teasing and pressures as my fingers furiously flicked my clit. I wanted to match her, to be able to imagine we were both in that bed, teasing and gasping and panting. My skin seared with the memory of what her hands could do to me. My head began to go lightheaded as I neared the edge. Emily groaned yet again and released a sharp intake of breath.

"Emily…" my own lips silently mouthed as I immediately bit down on my bottom lip as I came. On my descent, I heard my name echoed one more time from the bed above before a few jerky shakes of the bed heralded Emily's own release.

I listened for a few moments before removing my hand from my knickers and wiping it on the inside of my shirt. Rolling onto my back, I closed my eyes, willing my heart to slow down so my brain could begin to process what the fuck had just happened.

_Did she know? Jesus, was she even awake? _

Many early mornings had been met where I had chosen to rouse Emily with a little foreplay last summer. At times, she admitted, it wasn't until came that she fully woke to find my eyes boring into her, usually wiping the corner of my lips clean. My heart clenched in longing with how desperately I wished I could have been the cause of what she just experienced. But as her vocality would've suggested…I most certainly was…So why had she behaved so strangely all day? If she was developing feelings for me, recovered memory or not…why was it seeming such a trial?

_I can fucking empathize. Been there, Emily Fitch. Been there and bought the fucking t-shirt._

Releasing a long exhale, I sat up and turned toward the mattress. Emily was as still as she had been when I had kissed her head before slumber, only this time she was turned toward the edge, much closer than she had been before. Her breathing had returned to normal and with the exception of a little bed-tousled hair, it didn't seem like anything had happened whatsoever.

_Oh come off it, I couldn't've dreamed that. Not something that intense! I had to've—_

"Naomi," she whispered again. Nervously, I cleared my throat.

"Emily…Emily are you still asleep…" Her slow and steady breathing was all I got in reply. Gingerly, I rested my hand atop her forehead. "Emily…Emily I have to go…" As if the words were calling her back to the world of consciousness, she shifted a bit, groaning at my words.

"Hmm-mmm," she protested, her head shaking back and forth a bit. Her hand reached blindly in my direction, pulling at my arm. "Stay," she whispered.

_Gods all I've been doing since I've had you back was giving you space. Being brave. Letting you take things at your own pace but….fucking hell, Emily I miss you. I want you._

My fingers lightly stroked her brow, and as I opened my mouth to give her a reply, her eyes slowly opened to meet mine. Downstairs, the front door opened and closed. "Shit," Emily grumbled, throwing the duvet over her head. "Twatblocker." I couldn't help but smile as I reached over and lightly stroked the covered arm causing her to re-emerge.

"Expecting to get somewhere, Emily Fitch," I challenged, raising an eyebrow at her. Grumbling, she groggily threw the blanket in my direction as she got out from the bed. She looked quite perturbed and while I could empathize, I was partly relieved. I had no idea what would've happened if I had gotten back into that bed with Emily, but I knew it would be very difficult for me to control myself. If I could at all.

_Looks like there's one more thing in this day of weird and unexpected we won't be talking about anytime soon..._

Within a few minutes of Emily's retreat from the bed, her door opened. I rolled my eyes the instant I saw Katie standing there, taking stock of the situation but not commenting on it.

_Nope...definitely not..._

Katie moved in and shut it behind her as Emily threw her a dirty scowl. "Fuck off," Katie grumbled, "I'm not going to say anything, ok?" The younger twin's stance loosened up a bit and as she opened her mouth, Katie quickly interrupted her. "I ran into Effy...she's back from wherever she pissed off to...she's invited us to Leeds for the weekend." With quite a bit of effort, I began to fold the duvet and afghans and place them on Emily's dresser.

"What for?"

"Since we weren't able to do anything for our birthday, she's decided it's time to celebrate properly. You know. Before the summer ends...before people start heading off to uni." Placing Emily's pillow back on the bed, I cast my eyes over to receive a threatening glare from the older Fitch twin. I sighed, and now that the floor was cleared, I began to collect my bag from the ground, trying very hard not to think on the fact Emily's own eyes were boring into the back of my head as I did so.

To be honest, I really didn't know what was going to happen once the summer had ended. I still hadn't paid my tuition fees for Goldsmith's, but I had met with a counselor back in April when I was positive the Goa tickets weren't going to win me back any favors. But then there was the shed...and a bed...and love-making...then an accident...then a coma...and then this. It was all still very confusing. In completely different ways now. A large, really loud part of me wanted to stay, be with Emily whatever it took as long as it took. But Katie Fitch's stares always reminded me I might not be Emily's best option...

"Fine. But Naomi gets my invite."

_Emily seemed to think differently._

"What?" Katie and I asked in unison.

"It's my party too, and I want Naomi there." I'd completely forgotten Emily's birthday in the wake of the accident. Thinking on it now, however I vaguely remember something written about the book Effy had handed me. Rifling through my bag, I pulled it out, and flipped it open to the title page. Scrawled in Effy's hurried handwriting there was this:

'Naomi read to you for your birthday. Hope it was a happy one, Emily. Wherever you are. -E'

_Jesus, Effy. Remind me to thank you one day._

"Naomi," Emily's small voice broke in, "what's that?" My eyes gleaned from the page, debating if I should hand it to her or not, but she readily removed my choice when she gingerly took the book from my fingers and read what I just had seen. Her smile matched mine when she looked up and she tenderly placed the book on her shelf before turning toward me. "So…you going to come?" Clearing my throat, I looked from one twin to the next.

"Leeds? For how long?" Katie shrugged.

"Just the weekend. But if you're coming you need to pack, we're going to be leaving by tonight. Which is in like...four hours." With that Katie left the room and my attention returned to Emily. My brain was steeling itself from drifting back off to the thoughts of mere minutes ago and how flushed my cheeks still felt in spiked remembrance.

Emily was still utterly knackered. I could tell she hadn't really slept off the meds. Reaching a hand up to stroke her arm, I muttered, "Maybe you should finish catching up on your sleep in the car." Biting her lower lip, Emily replied,

"Only if I can use your shoulder as a pillow." I took a few inhales and exhales.

_No running, Campbell. Not anymore. Remember..._

"I could think of more unpleasant ways to spend three hours in a car." With flushed cheeks and a confident smirk, Emily scanned me up and down.

"And I can think of better."


	10. Feels Like The First Time

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: So basically the entire section of this story ended up being a mid-story brainstorm. Hopefully you guys like, and it has been worth your wait, lots of stuff going on in the real world and with this story, including changing betas. Anywho, let's get on with it. Watch what happens!**

**As usual, read, review, enjoy…thanks for keeping with me guys, you mean the world to me, each of you!**

**CHAPTER TEN: Feels Like The First Time**

"You have _got_ to be fucking shitting me!" I practically barked from the Fitch front stoop. Beaming at me from around the car door, her shades pulled atop her head the _natural_ blonde's smug smile teased,

"Don't look so goddamn thrilled, not exactly happy to see you either," she laughed at her own attempted humor, walking around the car and popping the trunk. "I had no idea you knew Effy, Naomi. Small fucking world, huh?"

My eyes darted to the blue-eyed brunette who was eyeing the two of us back and forth with a somewhat amused smirk on her face. "What?" Effy bit, taking another drag from her cigarette and tossing it into the street.

"I'd ask how you know Lana, Effy, but fuck it. You know fucking everyone." I saw the Fitch twins sidestep me, and as Emily passed, I scooped up her bag from the rollers on the ground. "I got it," I grumbled, not giving her a chance to argue with me. Throwing my own bag over my shoulder I huffed over to the American's car.

_I don't even want to know what Lana considers a good time, and fuck, the last thing I needed while trying to develop things with Emily was a tall American singer-songwriting lesbian without any sense of shame hitting on me every five seconds. _

"Didn't know you had a car," I mumbled as I scooted into the back seat. Lana's head popped through the open window, her cocky grin bigger than ever.

"Come on, Naomi, change the tampon already. After all, I'm guaranteeing you an unforgettable summer bash at my girlfriend's for the next two days."

"You have a girlfriend?" I practically spat as she and Effy arranged themselves in the front seats.

_You bitch, and you were hitting on me left and right…._

Emily slid in beside me immediately followed by Katie while Lana adjusted the rearview mirror"Got a girlfriend in every country, Naomi. Not all of us are penguins you know?"

"Penguins?" Katie asked, as the engine started and the iPod in the dash began to pulse.

"They mate for life," Effy offered. From the corner of my eye I saw her throw me a smile and a wink. Shortly after Katie had informed me we were going away for a few days, I had been forced to bike my way home and pack. It had been a moderate hassle at best, the most complicated item being to remember to leave mum a note saying I would be back on Sunday. Effy had been at my stoop to walk me the rest of teh way back to the Fitch's. Said she had a few things to talk over with me.

"_Just needed to get away for a bit. Clear my head. I know you were worried about me, Naomi, but…I wasn't handling my shit. And I think we all know the results of that, don't we?"_ I hadn't questioned her on the matter further, merely listened while she talked about the last few days she'd spent with Pandora's at her aunt's. All the lovely, lovely green she'd inhaled and just tried to get away from the ghosts that were beginning rapid pursuit. Seemed like there was always going to be something in this world chasing the Stonems' down. And the little Indigo daughter the hardest.

Even behind Lana's sunglasses I knew she was eyeing me up and down. I considered her a friend but...I didn't really need that type of friend right now. Beside me Emily sneezed, and I was embarrassed to admit it was the first time since we pulled out ten minutes ago I realized she was actually there. I groaned internally at myself, feeling like I'd inadvertantly brushed her off somehow, she'd been incredibly quiet since I'd left, not really saying much to me except a few things here and there. My shoulders were tense as fuck I needed things to be sorted, not even more scattered. Not really sure how best to say anything for the time being, I opted to just rest my hand over Emily's. Smiling, she threaded her fingers through mine.

After another few miles of Katie's non stop prattle and Lana's flirations, the older Fitch twin's brassy trap released the most petulant groan ever to come out of an eighteen year old's mouth.

_Or had the __**just turned **__eighteen? You should know that, Naomi..._

"Great, a road trip with nothing but a pile on of lezzers…don't tell me you're muff diving now too, Effy." Effy leaned into the back of her seat, the timber of her voice giving away the smile curled cheekily on her lips.

"I'll try anything once," she quipped.

"_Do wanna do blowbacks?"_

"_I never got blowbacks. Why can't people just smoke the damn thing straight?"_

"_It's fun. Have even tried it?"_

"_No…but being all seeing, I already know it's shit."_

"_**Come on…everything once…"**_

"That so, Effy…and what kind of cocktail do I have to mix to get in your pants tonight?" Lana insinuated, sticking her tongue out and biting it in a teasing way. Emily laughed in the back seat and grumbled low enough so only I could hear,

"Effy's friend has a one-track mind.". Smirking, I added,

"Everyone loves Effy." The brunette in the front seat turned over her shoulder, aware of my comment, and the moment we made eye contact she shook her head and became preoccupied with the window. Emily shifted a bit in her seat as I followed my mysterious friend's lead and glanced out my own adjacent window. Quietly I added, "Prefer brown eyes myself." After a beat, Emily nudged closer to me, her head lulling onto my shoulder. I smiled down at her before catching Lana's what I assumed were eyes in the mirror. Her left eyebrow cocked up above her sunglasses, so I pursed my lips as tightly as I could to get my message across good and clear, "Not. One. Word," I silentely mouthed.

Three hours in a car with nothing but my thoughts really wasn't a good thing after all the confusion I hadn't had a chance to sort from the last twenty-four hours. I did my best to try to involve myself in active conversation, Katie and Lana were fucking naturals at it. Admittedly, my nerves about the next few days were eased when Effy informed us her aunt's lived only a fifteen minute walk from the house if anyone needed a seperate place to crash. Truthfully I wasn't worried so much for myself as I was Emily. I trusted her to know what she was doing, but I also knew how fucking stubborn she could be and it was possible she had underestimated the strain a party could be on her recovery right now. I concentrated on the light push of her shoulder as she inhaled and exhaled, her eyes long having closed to the hum of the car motor and flip of the tracks on the iPod.

_You could sleep through the apocolypse, Emily Fitch..._

Stealing a look down at her lightly bobbing head, my hand shifted from the fingers which were holding it to rest atop her knee. When she didn't stir, I smiled.

_Her eyes did seem to relax a bit once I said I'd go...I hope I wasn't imagining that..._

My phone vibrated twice in my pocket, and I internally rolled my eyes as I shifted just slightly against Emily's lulled head in order to reach it. Once I had pulled it out, I read the text I'd just received from Katie's phone.

**We're not ok**.

My tongue jutted out as I licked my lips, before sending her back a reply.

**Never have been.**

It may have been a bit of a snarky thing to say but it was true. Katie and I had never really got on and after the way she'd treated me the last few weeks it'd only gotten worse. Katie's phone vibrated immediately after mine and she looked at it with a huff, tossing it into her bag. I cocked a sarcastic eyebrow at her, as it to say, _What, was I supposed to be scared?_ To drive my point home, I followed it up with a wink. _Never have been, Katiekins._

Had to hand it to Lana, she was a conversationalist, and not afraid to shy away from topics. The perfect vocal combatant for someone like Katie Fitch who seemed to have an opinion on everything, whether or not she really knew what the hell she was talking about. It certainly made the time go by in an agonizingly slow drone as Emily continued to sleep against me for most of the ride. I found my eyes drooping on more than one occasion, not at all oblivious to the fact my body was fighting complete exhaustion. I twitched as my body fought utter surrender to slumber, my head nodding back against the tanned lining of the car, but before I left the world of consciousness completely, Emily stirred next to me. Stirred and immediately started to groan, grabbing the side of her head.

"Where're your pills, Em?" Katie nudged, grabbing her twin's bag which rested between Emily's awkwardly crossed ankles. My head turned to watch Katie search the contents and when she couldn't find what she was looking for, her hands slumped down at her lap. "You forgot your pills?" she snapped.

"What?" I practically yelled, throwing myself forward in my seat. As a result, Emily was forced upward, grabbing the side of her head even tighter and uttering a small, 'ouch, fuck!' as I gruffly tapped Lana on her shoulder. "We have to go back. Right now."

"Fuck you, no, why?!" Lana immediately countered. "We're only thirty minutes away at this point, we'd lose half the night if we—"

"Naomi," Emily interrupted, nudging my shoulder with a rattling bottle. Glancing down I saw her shake the pill bottle adjacent to the place on my arm where she had tapped. "They were in my jacket pocket. Jesus, talk about an overreaction." Slumping back against the seat, my own head started to pound.

"All right?" Emily's hand gently brushed up and down my arm a few times.

"Hm?" It was more of a noise than anything else as I squinted my eyes and struggled to keep myself awake. Before I could say anymore, however, I felt Emily shifting away from me and upon opening my eyes saw she was moving toward Katie, nearly squishing her against the door in the process.

"What the fuck, Emily, get offa me," Katie protested, but Emily simply sought to situate herself. Before I could ask what I'd done to make her shift away from me, she had her arms outrstretched over my shoulders and was pulling my head into her lap.

"Here, c'mere," Emily urged.

"Oh um, what?" I stammered, trying to situate myself back into a seated position.

"No you don't, Naomi, you haven't gotten any sleep since last night, you're taking a nap these last few minutes or you'll never make it through the night." I opened my mouth to protest but my head was gently urged back down with Emily's fingers running through my hair. Almost immediately my eyes start to lull closed and I was left with Katie's voice fading in under the run of the motor and lull of the acoustic guitar playing through the speakers.

"How do you know she hasn't gotten much sleep, I thought you were with Effy." I heard Katie's fist come down against Effy's seat as the brunette in the front let out a chuckle, neither confirming nor denying anything.

"Shove it up your tits, Katie," Emily grumbled. With a smile, I nuzzled against Emily's leg, trying to focus on sleeping rather than how close my head was in adjacent to the girl's hips. Regardless, I drifted off to sleep with a smile on my face, lost in the stroking sensation of Emily's fingers…

It wasn't enough time. Definitely not enough sleepy time in Emily's lap as the car came to a complete stop. Once the engine was silenced and Katie muttered a "thank fuck," before practically flying out of the car door, I sat up and both heard and practically felt the music which was reverberating from the walls of the house. From my window, I could see we were definitely further away from the city. A lake not far off from the very few houses separated us from our neighbors by a good yard or two on one side. This was definitely on the mint side of things, and it made me wonder what kind of girlfriends Lana managed to track down during her travels. Smoothing down the back of my head, I heard Emily giggle beside me. "Sleep well?" she asked. I narrowed my eyebrows at her.

"Could've used more," I replied with an aloof lilt in my voice as I exited the vehicle. It was barely half past seven and it appeared lthe party had been going full tilt for hours.

"That's the way it always is here. Why I love it," Lana chimed as she began pulling bags from the trunk and throwing them to the ground.

"Handle with care, Lana," Effy smirked, grabbing her bag and waltzing toward the house. There weren't a swarm of cars parked everywhere so it was curious as to how the house was so incredibly packed, still a good sign. Meant there was a bus stop not too far from here. I liked knowing all possible escape options. Helped me cut loose. The flat itself was three stories and it was very likely that every room would be wall to wall with bodies with the way the ruckus continued to bump. Reaching down, I swooped up Emily and I's bags without really acknowledging the looks Lana kept passing me, as if any second she was expecting me to spill some secret.

Emily had followed just behind Effy, leaving me to walk up to the house with the insistent American. "So that's her, eh?" I scowled and rolled my eyes.

"And?"

"She's pretty," Lana flippantly but genuinely remarked. It was left at that because in the next few seconds, we weren't in a position to hear much else. Her arm gripped around mine to lead me through the door and past the immediate crowd of bodies which nearly toppled us over. I barely had time to wrap my head around my surroundings before I was being drug into the kitchen and Lana had thrown open a linen closet with a lock. "Here!" she yelled, grabbing our bags and tossing them in. Once the pantry was shut she threw her hands up to her side and with a stance that could rival Cook's beamed back at me, "Now it's time to party!"

_Wow. Almost __**exactly**__ like Cook…._

The party turned out to be just as full scale as the ones from college. Honestly, I'd pretty much steered clear of them most of last year, choosing instead to wallow in self-pity. If I ever did manage to drag myself out, it was only because I couldn't stand to be around Emily's pained eyes for another second, and usually wound up so trashed by the end of the night I couldn't even remember where I was or what I had been doing. I'd filtered into Effy's old m.o. before she was hospitalized and…that had been a serious wake-up call. I'd visited her once they carted her away…afraid I was going down the same road, and therefore headed for the same destination. As I spotted her now in the crowd, her head lulling back and forth to the music as she and Katie had their heads together over what I assumed was some fit boy in the corner, I noticed she did indeed look better. I was a bit worried for her after that whole thing with Freddie…they still hadn't found a body…and I didn't know how many others knew. But Effy did appear…better…better and not worse...even in this environment.

"Hey!" a husky voice bellowed in my direction, two drinks in hand. I smiled as I took one from Emily. Her eyes were laden and tired but she did have a genuine smile on her face.

"You made yourself at home quickly," I quipped, leaning in a bit closer to her ear so she could hear me. "Should you be drinking?"

"It's only pepsi," she assured me, holding it under my nose so I could smell it. Smiling, I pushed the cup toward her.

"I believe you," I assured her, "besides I'm not your warden. Was merely concerned." Her lips pressed with a tiny, thoughful look as she stepped closer to my shoulder, leaning into my ear, "Wanna go someplace quiet where we could talk?" I couldn't help but laugh.

"You've been here five seconds and you're already abandoning it?" Taking a large swig of whatever was in the cup and placing it into the bin against the wall, she tugged at my shirt sleeve. What else was I supposed to do but follow? Climbing up a set of stairs, we both knew were likely to find one of two things the further we climbed into the party house: a quiet room or a room with two or more people getting to it. Opening and closing several doors, finding two bathrooms and four couples…both sets managing to be in the same bedroom, eventually led us to one which opened to a wooden staircase.

_The attic. Wonderful. Who knows what kind of shit is up there..._

Before I could voice my trepidation, Emily was climbed up. My hand fumbled against the wall to find a light so we didn't stumble blindly onto god knows what, and after a moment, I flipped it. We ascended carefully and with each step, became entranced with what we saw. The high ceiling beams decorated in white Christmas lights created a the crystalline ambiance, and in the far corner was flushed with a bright blue futon. An enormous keyboard and speaker set up hugged one corner while the other was stacked full of black cases and three or four guitars…or basses…I really didn't know enough about music to be able to tell which was which. Punk rock and metal posters lined the walls, 'The Ramones,' 'The Sex Pistols,' 'The Pixies.' Whomever Lana's little Leeds girl was had amazing taste.

But those paled compared to the best thing in the entire room. Stood atop the orange shagged carpet, Emily faced a ten foot skylight window placed the entire length of the angled left-hand ceiling. Crossing over to her I was taken aback at the view we were both privileged too. Apparently there was a wooded field not too far away as well as a lake which, even from here, was so clear it was practically a mirror.

"Wow," I mumbled really quite impressed. Emily smiled over her shoulder, and as the gently peaking sun caught the highlights of her hair and the outline of her eyes, I desperately wanted to kiss her again. Just as soon as the moment presented itself, it passed as she sat in front of the window, staring off at the sunset, knowing I would sit right next to her. "Didn't really peg you much as a themer," I mumbled, as I took my place beside her.

"What?"

"This is the second time in the last two days we've found ourselves lake gazing." Emily nodded her head, up and down.

"I know, a bit weird, yeah?" My head moved up and down slowly in response. "I'm sorry for this morning," she said, licking her lips as she did so. She only did that when she was one of three things: nervous, thoughtful, or really, really turned on. A shame it wasn't the latter. "It's just—last night was—I enjoyed it. I liked it a lot. But it…" she lowered her head at that point and I wanted to reach out and touch her to urge her to continue, but it turned out it wasn't necessary. "I had a dream last night and…I don't know if it was a dream or—" she swallowed, and I decided to help her along a bit.

"A what, Emily?"

"A memory?" It had come out in the form of a question, but my heart beat just the tiniest bit harder at the prospect. Shifting a bit, I leaned forward, my body inching just the tiniest bit closer to hers.

"Do you remember it?" Her eyes locked onto mine and it took her a second but she nodded. "Would talking about it help?" She stared at me a long while and I wondered for a brief moment if she weren't trying to pull the memory, if it even existed, out of my own head. After a few seconds her focus returned to the view.

"It was in short, sporadic segments. Like dreams are, ya know? But…the um…fuck this sounds so corny…the emotions were there. And…and so were you…." my cheeks flushed. "…everything was so intense. So...bright...I was…mad for some reason but also…hurt just…so hurt…" my heart plummeted at that… "You were standing in a kitchen, you…you were crying and soaking wet. You were scrubbing a gray cardigan in the sink, mumbling something about 'fucking kiddie pool water.'"

_Oh fuck not this….don't remember this..._

"I reached out my hand to you, and without turning you just started to shake...sobbing. I turned you to me slowly, and…pulled you down to my shoulder. You were mumbling for me to let you go but I just hugged you in tighter. You cried on my shoulder for a few minutes before you pulled back…and I—" she stopped to clear her throat before she continued, but I knew what happened next. And it made me sick to my stomach…

"I leaned up to—to kiss you and you practically lept away from me. You said you didn't want to kiss me like _that_ again. So I—I reached my hand out. Slowly…you took it and…I brought you back in for a kiss…the kiss broke my heart but at the same time it was—so intense, Naomi. I don't…I don't have any recollection of feeling something like that before…not even when—"

"We kissed last night?" I filled in.

I knew this piece of our past like a raging nightmare. Emily had found me in the kitchen after the barbeque at our place after I'd all but kicked everyone out, trying to scrub the pool water out of my cardigan, and pulled me into a kiss that for the first time in months I felt had been sincere. I'd left her broken and crying on the deck, certain she would evaporate from the place completely, but she had come in, still dripping wet herself, and wrapped me in her arms. Held me, like we were taking a break from the heartache, from the pain we just couldn't seem to stop throwing at one another. It was also the first time we'd had sex since she'd found out about Sophia. It was if we had called for a momentary truce, and were just together. Just Emily and Naomi, for a few hours. We hadn't cuddled afterward, just layed in bed, staring at the ceiling, realizing we were coming to our end faster than ever before.

Emily had stopped, and I waited to see if she would continue, reveal the other half of that evening, but she just remained silent.

"Do you remember anything else?"

"So it is a memory?" Her head turned to me in hopeful anticipation. Swallowing, I corrected,

"About the dream, Emily."

"Oh," she resigned, not pushing the matter any further at least for the time being. "I—no." She was lying. She was holding something back, but I would understand if she wasn't willing to talk about it just yet. It was becoming just the tiniest bit tiresome, but this was all in her time, and on her terms. Seemed only fair when the exact opposite between us had been true for the last two years. Still…

"Were you awake this morning?" Without batting an eyelash she asked,

"When?" I searched her eyes for any hint of remembrance of the little wet-dream induced wanking. But...nothing.

"Never mind," I mumbled, zoning my eyes back to the view. The sun was falling lower and lower and the bass downstairs was getting harder and harder. The vibrations beneath my ass rattled the floors just the tiniest bit so dust fell from some of the higher corner rafters. I was really dying for a fag and was just about to suggest Emily and I go and have one before she opened her mouth yet again.

"When did you know you were gay?" I smiled precociously at her.

"What makes you think I'm gay?" Her popped eyebrow and lightly pursed lips which curl into a smile reveal I am not fooling anyone. Least of all her.

"It's really a shame if you kiss boys like that," she admitted, keeping her eyes glued on me, "bit of a waste." I couldn't help but giggle at her brightening mood. I continued to smile as my fingers began to idly play at the hem of my jeans just above my sock.

"I was twelve," I began, "which sounds a bit young I know. I hadn't admitted it to anyone, least of all myself...and I wasn't even really sure what I fancied I just knew _who_ I fancied...and she rendered me speechless. Which was funny because my mum never heard me talk of anyone or anything else with such enthusiasm. I had come home from school that day just raving about her, this girl in my class who had sat next to me and offered to share her biscuits. It had been a very simple thing, and she hadn't said much. We didn't talk, we just sat. When we were done eating she bounced up off the bench and followed her. friends back inside the school. She didn't know it but...speaking to me...changed everything. Everything was immediately different. I thought perhaps we could be friends but...I just couldn't bring myself to speak to her again. What if she liked me? What if she didn't? What if she'd only spoken to me because she felt sorry for me for sitting alone while I waited for my mum to fetch me?" I shook my head, a sad laugh escaping my barely parted lips. "It was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for me at that point in my life. Just...sat with me. For no other reason than...she wanted to."

I felt a light hand drape over my own and I looked back up to see Emily smiling at me. There wasn't a dawning of recollection anywhere in her eyes. "What happened?"

_Lie. Just fucking lie..._

"As in did I ever pluck up my courage and finally reveal I was madly in love with her?" I nearly choked on the bitter laughter then. "No. No I did the opposite. I allowed it to change me not for the better but for the worst. Just so I wouldn't have to deal with how I felt. And who I felt it for." I could feel the tears begin in the corner of my eyes, but sniffed them back and shook my head before I could get any further in. Emily squeezed my hand just the tiniest bit tighter.

"That sounds so...lonely..."

_When I'm with you I feel like I'm a better person. Less alone...less...lonely..._

"It was," I answered, clasping my hand just the tiniest bit tighter around Emily's.

"Did you _ever_ tell her?"

"Yes." She smiled at this and paused before considering the next few words in the conversation. With a light twitch of her shoulders and a crook in her smile she asked,

"What kind of biscuits were they?" I didn't need clarification as I returned her smile.

"Garibaldis."

A loud bang broke the silence and Emily and I nearly jumped out of our skins. A drunkenly giggling Lana stumbled up the stairs with a girl practically plastered to her frame. The second she recognized she was not alone, Lana tossed her hands up in celebration, "Oh my bad are we interrupting? Or-or can we join in?" She gave what I assumed in her state would've been considered a sultry wink, but she just looked like she had peanut butter stuck to her eyelids and couldn't quite get them apart. Her ridiculous face caused the girl she'd obviously brought up here to fuck to giggle, which only broke the both of them down again.

"Come on, Naomi," Emily grumbled, already heading for the stairs. Releasing a sigh, I stood and followed Emily out. As I passed Lana, I made sure to sock her right in the shoulder.

"Ow, what?"

**SECOND A/N: So I know it seems like all they're doing is sitting and talking, but believe me, it's all necessary and I'm going to make up for the slightly slower pace in later chapters. I suppose I should say...enjoy them "happy" while you can... ;)**


	11. A Few Words, If You Please

**I apologize in advance for this NOT being a chapter update, but since I just finished publishing another one, I think some of you will forgive me. Many will just gloss over this once realizing it's nothing more than an author's note, but I felt truly compelled to share something with you guys because you truly do, and I mean this, you all have come to mean a lot to me. I didn't know if this story would receive any notariety once I began it, but I have received countless reviews, emails, and notifications showing me that my story is at the very least speaking to someone. **

**To those people, I just want to say thank you. Thank you so very much for your kind words. For your support. For all it is you do to help push this story forward when I doubt myself, which happens more often then you'd think. Publishing fanfiction on this site is quite daunting and I have been most fortune to have been welcomed with kinds words or constructive criticisms. I hope I continue to do you all proud.**

**It's not customary, I feel, to reveal a lot about your personal life on this site. That's the purpose of anonymous pen names. But I wanted to share something with the people who are still reading so far. It's very disappointing after you have worked on and poured your heart and soul into a project to only receive the question, "when can I have more?" It's a very strange sensation, to not have any more feedback on a chapter other than, "I like this, when can I expect another one?" And I realize...a LOT of stories on this site have been abandoned. Like. A LOT. Many of which I have began myself only to later learn it hadn't been updated since 2009. And that's very disheartening. And can make a reader skiddish.**

**I am also aware, I am not very likely to read any fic that is not yet complete, unless I feel really truly drawn to the story or to the voice of the author. This is only further affirmation of how dedicated I realize all of you are, and how much you must be enjoying this story to put up with what I'm beginning to realize many of you consider "infrequent updates." But let me explain a bit as to WHY you must wait so long. And this is where I go out on a limb...**

**My full time job is a personal assistant to two special needs boys. They are a bright light in my world but they are also very demanding. Five days a week I am with them for ten hours a day. That's fifty hours a week which is more than 99% of jobs require. But it is one of the most rewarding things I do with my life. I am also in a long-term relationship with my live in girlfriend, and we get maybe 2-3 nights a week together where one of us is not working to support our own living arrangements. In addition to this story, I also have two, yes **_**two**_**,**__**other writing projects that are being geared toward publication and they are being co-written with the two wonderful ladies who are betaing this fic. I am also an actor and playwright and have projects going on on the weekends, although I just wrapped one project and am merely waiting for the next one to begin.**

**So for a few hours, every day, in spite of all of this, I write this story. Every day. Even if it isn't a lot. And while it's literally only 1-2 hours a day, it is daily dedication. I feel like I am working my best and my hardest to give you guys something that I hope will be considered wonderful to some, so yes, it is extremely discouraging when, amongst the beautiful words that many of you bequeath, the very DAY I post a new chapter, I get several others already clammering for more. And that's the reason for this author's note, to give a bit of perspective on my life, to encourage everyone that I am not giving up on this story, but to please have patience. If you consider my work of any level of caliber, it takes time to produce such caliber, and thus the roughly two week wait for chapters. Not to mention, once I have completed a chapter, I won't post anything unless it has been beta scanned and approved and believe me, you can thank my betas for some of my better moments. They're just wonderful storytellers and I owe them so much.**

**I hope some will take this to heart and understand what is going on in order to make this story complete. It truly is at the halfway mark this time, and I know I've said that before, but I think more than ever I understand Naomi and Emily's story and roles in this. And I hope now I have shown you guys a bit of perspective on my life, which if you knew how incredibly private I am ...wow if you guys only knew, would show you how much I care about what I am producting, and how much I apprecite you guys to share. **

**Anyway, I'll leave you be now. I'll get back to writing, and continue to do my thing. Thank you so much guys, you all mean the world to me. Cheers my lovly darlings, until the next chapter! :)**


	12. 11: I Give Up, I Let You Win

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: First I MUST plug scriptmanip's "Resting On Your Laurels." If you haven't read it, just do yourself the biggest favor on the planet and get on it. I appreciate you guys' feedback both for the chapter and the author's note. Your kind words have really made a difference, really sparking my muse, and as a result, this chapter was a little bit easier to write. Remember the "wait for it...?" moment I was telling you guys about? ::points to the last paragraph:: Enjoy, review, spread the word, and the love!**

**CHAPTER ELEVEN: I Give Up, I Let You Win...**

During the time Emily and I had spent in our little private corner of the house, the party downstairs had grown to a full-out rave. A fog machine now blasted dry ice everywhere and combined with the spliffs, we were floating through a pot-filled haze. Spotting Effy half sitting, half lounging on a matted sofa across the room, I took Emily's hand to precariously guide her through the jumping, dancing, screaming crowd. She gave my hand a tiny tug back in reply. "I need some something to drink, I'll be over in a minute," she insisted. Before I could follow her through the moshed bodies, Emily disappeared into the kitchen. Repressing the urge to chase at her heels, I fumbled my way over to Effy. Slumping beside her, Effy produced a half-smoked spliff from the edge of her lap. Taking a singular drag and handing it back to her, I practically bellowed over the nearby speakers, "good to see you haven't renounced _all_ forms of recreation."

"It's Katie's," Effy corrected, using her long fingers curled around the paper to indicate a nearby corner where Katie was juggling giddy conversation between three boys. "Having fun?" Effy asked lightly extinguishing the spliff in an ashtray atop the marked up, cracked coffee table. Finally releasing the inhale of the spliff, I tasted a smooth almost oaky flavor...the immediate sensation of euphoria assured one hit would definitely keep me happy for a solid while. I didn't want to be too far off my tits, but if I had to be at this party, I might as well enjoy myself. Before I could answer, a loud crash from the nearby banister signaled Lana's descent back into the room. There wasn't a girl on her arm this time, just the edge of the railing after she tried to re-find her footing.

"I'm fine! Just fine!" she yelled, kicking a series of cups and bottles out of the way into the crowd, disappearing into the kitchen. It was just then I noticed I could see Emily from my spot, and took note of how, even from a distance, I could see her top ride up just a bit, exposing a hint of-

"Wanna dance?" a tall bloke interrupted, stepping right into my line of sight and robbing me of my lustful gaze. The sudden obstruction knocked my head back a bit, followed by some very slow blinks as I looked up at him. He had moppy hair and a cheshire sized smile. While he seemed nice enough...I was waiting on someone.

"I'm here with someone," I responded. A little pop of his hip only increased his smile.

"So am I," he countered, offering his hand down to me. I picked up an empty beer bottle from the table and placed it in his hand.

"Guess you better fuck off then, yeah?" His smirk quickly faded as he gave me a look I knew people wore too well around me, the type that called me a bitch and a tease, before he did exactly what I told him he should. And not a moment too soon as Emily plopped down beside me. Taking a swig out of the cup she'd just acquired she leaned into me to be heard.

"Apparently Lana has to be the shortest fucking shag of all time."

"Maybe the girl passed out before Lana could unhook her bra," I added. Emily took another drink, eyeing me over the cup.

"How do you two know each other?" she asked once there was nothing obstructing her mouth. My eyes zoned in on the way her lips moved as she asked the question. They weren't doing anything special, but they never had to. I still ended up wrangling my libido's desire to push her against the couch and ravish her with my tongue.

_Fuck Effy, how strong is that shit? I know I haven't smoked in a while but Jesus..._

"We met last summer," I finally answered after what seemed like several seconds, "she couldn't resist me apparently." I giggled. Apparently the memory of Lana's massive fail at wooing me in the coffee shop masked in my drug haze was downright hilarious.

"So you've slept together..." Emily tossed in casually. While she appeared impassive, the tiniest hint of...something...penetrated the guise of the mask she'd pulled. Finding herself caught under my somewhat amused gaze, Emily's eyes darted away and then back to mine. She released a little small smile, her confidence clearly faltering a bit. If she didn't look so disheartened I would've called her bluff.

"I've never been interested." Emily mumbled something into her cup as a loud cheer from the crowd over the start of a rather popular song brought the room to an earth shaking roar.

_Jesus, it's like a madhouse in here!_

"What did you say?" Replacing her cup with my hand and standing, Emily began to drag us from the sofa.

"I said I want to dance."

I practically teetered to my feet as we smushed our way into the crowd. I let myself be tugged through an onslaught of sweaty polos and leather skirts until we found a fairly clear area to begin moving in. At first Emily was merely moving to the beat in my general direction, developing a feel for the music, and I in turn followed her lead. Eventually though, her body slowly backed into mine, left hand draped across her own midsection, her fingers beckoning for my hand. My right hand clasped in her left and I let her languidly trace my fingers along the outline of her stomach as our bodies flushed together. Within seconds my arm covered hers as her hips began to slowly grind against my heated midsection. My breath quickened and my pulse raced once Emily grabbed my wrists to pulling me tightly around her.

It'd been fucking ages since we'd danced like this, and I couldn't help but lean in as Emily's shoulders pressed against my chest. As her head lulled back against my neck, I turned to look as she mumbled, "That wasn't the only dream I had." My eyes narrowed as she slowly twisted around into the full expansion of my arms.

"That so?"

"You were in a plaid tartan dress. Your arms were around my waist, a lot like this..." Reaching behind her she plucked my hands from atop her back and sunk them lower around her slender hips. Closing my eyes, I was fairly certain I whimpered, but it was lost in the pulse of the music. "Did that actually happen Naomi?" The question had been whispered against my neck as I released a slow exhale.

_Fuck it...I have to know..._

My heart raced as the question came tumbling out of my mouth. "Is that all of the dream, Emily? Was there...was there anything before or after that?" Pulling back from me a bit, her eyelids narrowed and her nose crinkled in a peculiar way. Shaking her head, she licked her lips as the distance between us continued to grow.

"I don't-I-shit," the words tumbled out as quickly as her body collapsed in my arms. Nearly dropping her, I tried to pull her up, calling her name loudly in her ear. Once her face was level with mine again, I gently lifted her head into view. Her eyes rapidly fluttered open and closed. Like a pile driver, I sped back toward the couch, knocking over anyone who was in my way. Effy had since vacated the spot, but my eyes were only on Emily as I propped her up on the couch. I tried to keep her sitting upright but she was swaying, her limp hands swiping at her head as she tried to steady the way it rocked.

"Emily…Emily!" Another set of hands appeared in my line of sight as Effy kneeled beside me, her fingers running over Emily's drained face.

"What happened?"

"We—we were dancing and she—she collapsed."

"Emily, can you hear me?" Effy commanded loudly and clearly. Emily slowly nodded her head as Effy placed two fingers against her neck. "Have you taken anything?" Emily shook her head.

"Not even her vicodin," I offered, "Fuck, is that it, is that what it is?" Effy narrowed her eyes at me as if I'd just called her a rainbow spotted unicorn.

"No. Someone slipped her something. If she's on vicodin and it's something like liquid X her heart will slow down and she'll eventually pass out." My mouth opened and closed frantically several times.

"Do we call an ambulance? Do we keep her awake? Do we-"

"We find out what she took and then we get her somewhere we can watch her through the night." If I weren't in such a state of panic I would have marveled at how frighteningly well the brunette knew her drug stats. Hovering like a mother crane above Emily's fluttering eyes, Effy peered down at her, gently cupping her cheeks. "Emily, I need you to tell me…who gave you that cup earlier?" Emily licked her lips languidly, drawing out the answer to almost torturous proportions.

"Lana," she said so quietly I almost missed it.

Almost.

Charging from where I crouched, I pushed my way through the crowd, ignoring the way Effy was calling out to me. Within seconds, I found the blonde in the nearby kitchen, her glazed over eyes beaming at me.

"Hey, Nao—" before she could finish her sentence, I grappled her up against the counter, my hands clutching her shirt aggressively as my nostrils flared. "Right here in front of everyone, lover? Didn't think of you as an exhibitionist?"

"What did you give Emily?" I growled. Lana's drunk and fumbling hands wrapped around mine as she attempted to sluff me, but my hands grew white at the increase of pressure around the fabric. Shaking her, I forced her to maintain eye contact with me.

"Your girl? Nothing, Naomi, fuck!"

"She said you were the one who gave her the cup, and now she's fucking passing out on the couch! She's recovering from a goddamn coma, so tell me what the royal _fuck _did you spike her drink with?" Swallowing, Lana removed her hands from mine as her head wobbled to the side.

"I was just trying to help…loosen her up a bit for you…maybe get her a bit more honest…so you two could work shit out and—" My nose was millimeters from her now, and I could smell the cigarette smoke and whiskey on her breath.

"I don't need your fucking help, you fucking slag, now tell me! What?!"

"GHB." Casting her off in a hard, final shove against the counter, I stormed over to the kitchen pantry and grabbed Emily and I's bags before heading back out to the party. When I found my way back to the couch, Katie was now sitting beside Emily, throwing her twin's arm around her shoulders. She eyed me down and for the first time…I saw exactly what Katie had meant back at their place only a few days ago.

_Somehow…even though our appearance at the party is entirely at Katie's insistence__…this is my fault…_

Shaking my head, I followed Katie out the front door as the twin did her best to keep Emily unsteadily upright. Effy trailed behind us once we hit the walk, having momentarily disappeared to grab the rest of the bags. The decision to permanently leave the house was unanimously unspoken and when Effy remerged, she nodded to the path adjacent to our right. "It's less than half a mile. Can you carry her that far, Katie? Should we call a taxi?" Grunting a bit, Katie pushed forward ahead of us.

"We're not staying here another fucking second. As long as she can keep walking, I'll be fine." Emily grumbled, and I watched Katie stagger a bit as she turned Emily toward the direction Effy had pointed. Trotting up behind them, I mumbled,

"I'm stronger, maybe I should—"

"She'll tire me out a lot less quickly. We _are_ the same height you know." Katie shot back, not looking over her shoulder just merely focusing dead ahead.

Katie did a pretty good fucking job at keeping Emily upright, mumbling at her every few minutes to stay awake, while Effy and I trudged back in silence. Effy only needed the one, "If you go back to that house I'm coming after you," remark for me to forego jogging back to the party and beating the ever loving shit out of Lana. Eventually it was pretty obvious from the sweat lining Katie's brow it was someone else's turn to take over. Stopping, I handed Emily and I's bags to Effy and practically pried Emily off Katie.

"I said I fucking got it!" Katie barked but once freed of Emily's additional weight, found she was too tired to put up any further resistance.

"I know, Katie," I said genuinely. Emily was at near dead-weight now, struggling to keep her eyes open and groaning half words here and there. At this rate, I knew I'd never be able to drag her the rest of the way, so I tossed her arms over my shoulders, and bending really low, I pulled her legs up around my waist as I hauled her into my back. Sheer force of will got me standing again as I heard her breath hitch, and not in one of those 'I've just been hefted' sort of ways. Closing my eyes, I focused on getting Emily balanced so I could continue to walk, really fucking grateful I had opted for trainers over heels tonight. "How much further Eff?"

"Not far," she answered.

"You can't keep that up," Katie insisted.

"Gonna fucking try."

"Naomi…" Emily whispered just above my ear. My thumbs traced over Emily's calves tenderly.

"Right here, Ems." I gave her one more lift before leaning forward a bit and beginning the walk the last of the way. I knew Emily weighed barely more than a hundred pounds soaking wet, but if it weren't from the fueled rage at Lana and at the situation itself, I probably wouldn't've been able to do this right now. Without anything better to do apart from focus on the developing knot in my back, I found myself trapped inside my head. I didn't know how these drugs would react to everything already in Emily's system. I wasn't a fucking pharmacology student. I just had to trust Effy's experience. Half glancing over my shoulder, I was met with impassive blue eyes.

_If Effy isn't worried, I shouldn't be worried...right?_

Gratefully Effy hadn't been exaggerating when she said her aunt didn't live far. It was a bloody fucking coincidence wasn't it, a lucky streak of the draw we had a solution to this problem not too far out of reach. I didn't know how fortunate or lucky that made us, all I wanted was to lay Emily down before my back snapped, and I dropped her on her presently delicate head. Turning the lock, Effy made her way through the hallway and flipped a switch. With a final grunt, I pulled Emily and myself through the door while Effy's hand guided me to the nearest sofa.

As gingerly as I could manage, I lowered us slowly to the ground so Katie could help me roll Emily onto the sofa. Once she was free from my shoulders, I nearly collapsed forward, bracing myself against the cushions as I fought to catch my breath. From my kneeled position, I looked down at her. The cast lighting gave her face a haunted look, deep shadows casting over her lithe features. It reminded me of how frail she'd been in the hospital, and my stomach suddenly tightened to look at her. Luckily Katie took over almost immediately. Effy had disappeared. I soon heard the sound of water running. Katie pulled Emily's head up, placing a pillow beneath it as Effy entered with two glasses of water, handing one to me and one to Katie so the twin could nurse some down her sister's throat. Slumping down the against the flat contour of the sofa, the one hand that wasn't being used to lightly sip at the water had found Emily's arm and was resting atop her cold skin. "She's cold, is that bad?" My voice quivered with the question, my panic evident as Effy leaned over and quietly examined Emily's face.

"No, it's just from the sweat. Here," Effy wiped Emily's brow as Katie threw an afghan over her lithe little body. It was only then I noticed she was shivering, and without even thinking about it, I was on my aching feet and situated on the sofa. Removing Emily's head out from underneath the pillow, I replaced against my shoulders, tossing the pillow to the other end of the couch then wrapping my arms tightly around her. "I'll go make up the bed," Effy mumbled, disappearing yet again. The house was very quiet and I was left with Katie sitting at the other end of the sofa, staring down at her sister like she'd break any second.

"I couldn't fall apart then," she muttered, her hand desperately clutching Emily's free hand, exposed from underneath the quilt that smelled of mint and honey. "Especially with you filling that role you selfish sod." The words were cutting but the tone was light. "But every day since then...that's what I've been scared..." The minimal light in the room refracted off of the twins' fingers. Although their personalities were so scathingly different, when they were touching like this it was bizarre...like...Emily was holding her own hand. On some level...I suppose she was...

"Katie?" Emily's voice broke in a breath. Katie squeezed Emily's hand tighter. Apart from the whispered need, Emily's body remained still as she continued to breathe in and out. I rested my lips atop her head. I was so...tired...

"If I ever see that Lana bitch again I'm knocking her fucking teeth in," Katie responded, whether to Emily's beckon or my move to be tender, it wasn't for certain. Running my hand lightly through tendrils, I stroked Emily's hair and smiled.

"Not going back to the party to do it now then? Because I might."

"Don't you dare," Katie chimed in, but there was a tone in her voice to suggest she hadn't ruled out taking care of the blonde American herself within the hour. "You need to be here when she wakes up."

"Thought you wanted me to stay away from your sister, Katie. Not that you could pry her out of my arms with searing branding irons...but if I know you...you're always up for a challenge."

"Oh please, lezzer, you just demonstrated you're the only one butch enough to heft Emily back home if she can't make it back to the bus stop." Katie smiled then. The first time I had ever seen her genuinely smile at me. It was a bit of a relief to take the drama meter down a notch. Helped me to focus on the bundle in my arms, and the light snore which had finally settled in now we were tucked away from the loud music and night air.

Crossing back into the sitting room, Effy scanned the scene before her, her darkened features offering no hint of expression from the hallway light. "Do you want the couch or the bed?" she whispered.

"Which would be better for her, you think?" I responded.

"Katie and I can get her in bed, you go wash up a little bit, yeah?"

"Branding hot irons or Effy Stonem," Katie mumbled so only I could hear. Effy walked over and lightly draped one of Emily's arms atop her shoulders while I gently lifted her up from her lower back. Katie stood on Emily's other side, keeping her well balanced as she stirred just enough for Katie to whisper, "Walking now, Ems, come on." Like a well-oiled machine which had been put to the task on several occasions, the set of brunettes locked their other arms around Emily's tiny waist as Emily stirred best she could to help them out of the room. Once they carried her off, I practically vocally willed myself from my seated position to the corner of the hallway where my bag resided. It easily took two minutes to make the hobbling trek before I was knelt in front of my bag...slowly...I reached to remove...pyjamas. I had packed pyjamas on the off chance I would have to share a bed with someone...ok, with Emily...and...

Biting down hard on my lip, a few tears fell down my cheeks. The last few days, the last few weeks, the last few months...catching up yet again...I could keep them at bay most of the time but...here they were catching me at another fixed point where I was alone and no one was around to see...and...holding Emily while she was so frail...so vulnerable...so...violated...I couldn't help but feel victim to our circumstances yet again.

_Everyone thinks it's so difficult for you to be with me...but do they know what you do to me, Emily Fitch...do they even have a clue?_

Letting the moment pass as quickly as it had come, I feverishly wiped my eyes and stood, heading toward the room around the corner with the light on. Peeking my head in, I asked where I could change, and as Katie delicately began slipping Emily out of her clothes, Effy pointed to the bath just behind me. Closing the bright white door, my toes scrunched atop the plush green bath rug as I tossed my change of clothes in a corner. Debating for only a moment if I should shower, I instead opted to strip down to my bra and pants, throwing my hair up in a haphazard ponytail. Once the faucet water was warmed to a decent temperature, I splashed away what little makeup I had put on. The eyeliner ran down my cheeks as I stared at reflection for a. My eyes looked hollow and my cheeks somewhere in the last few weeks had acquired an almost gaunt appearance. Lack of sleep? Too many fags? I'm sure the booze hadn't helped...

_Jesus, I look like shit..._

I slipped into the oversized shirt and clean pair of pants before I made my way back into the hallway to stuff my old things in my bag. Effy and Katie met me halfway to the bedroom. Neither looked tired, Effy much less so, as she said, "We'll be in the kitchen if either of you wake up," leaving it at that. Katie followed with a shrug of her shoulders. I should have asked if we were alone in the house...it certainly appeared that way...or if her aunt was about somewhere...

_So you could what? Thank her for her hospitality? In your pig shirt and bright blue pants? Bed is a much better idea...bed...Emilyinthebed..._

I never had to be coaxed under duress where those two things could co-exist, as much as I had tried to once upon a time convince myself otherwise. Once the door was shut, I internally struggled for a few moments over whether I should sleep atop the duvet or under it. Eventually I caved into exhaustion, and with a grumbled, "fuck it," I crawled under the quilt, keeping my distance from Emily's warm body. Her breathing was shallow as Effy had said it would be, but it was steady. Her head lulled to the side as a light snore escaped her lips. Rolling onto my side, my fingers played lightly with the cuff of her sleeve. "I glanced all over your face to see if Katie had managed to cut or scrape you anywhere. Checked your arms and hands and fingers. I couldn't believe you'd actually nearly beat the shit out of your sister...not that she didn't deserve it...perhaps a bit less than me though. But...you just kissed me. And held me. I said I was sorry for being such a twat and not taking you to the ball. Felt like it even more after I saw you in that dress...painted up to go in with JJ and not me and...it fucking killed me. But there you were, holding me close telling me I was the only person you wanted to be with...telling me...out loud for the first time that you loved me...I'd said it was a shame we didn't even so much as get one dance together. So you changed that. When we got back to my flat, you found my iPod and plugged it in...I remember staring at you just...not really sure what to do or say. Finding the whole thing to be so horribly cliched but loving you more every second that ticked away at how perfect you could make everything." I licked my lips, lightly biting the bottom one, as I closed my eyes slowly, allowing the memory to take over. "You picked a Smith and Mighty song. The beat was slow but still had movement to it. We just stood together...in each other's arms...and disappeared as we swayed."

Somewhere around one in the morning, my drowsy eyes opened from a sharp pain in my arm. Glancing down, I saw Emily's head resting atop my shoulder. An attempt to flex my fingers proved they'd gone numb, so she must've been there for a while. Gingerly, I reached over with my visceral arm, and carefully pulled the dead weight from beneath Emily, doing my best not to wake her. Once it was clear, I scooted toward the sleeping red-head and properly placed her against my chest. I twirled my fingers pinky to thumb to get the blood pumping through them, ignoring the little bursts of pain which resulted from the action because...Emily was smiling in her sleep. And nothing short of the arm being on fire was going to make me disrupt that. Perhaps not even then...

When I woke the next morning and didn't find Emily next to me, I shot straight up in a momentary panic. My eyes darted around the unfamiliar room and took in how vast and barren it actually was. In fact apart from the bed there wasn't anything in it other than a desk and a chair, which itself was vacant. Not even so much as a computer.

_Stonems are so fucking strange. Provided this lady is even a Stonem. Provided she's even Effy's fucking aunt._

The smell of coffee came through the crack of the door, and while I was usually not partial to the bitter concoction early in the morning, my back and body were craving water immediately followed by some caffeine. Placing my feet on the creaky hardwood floors, I navigated my way toward the smell, letting it guide me through the strange house. I was met with a wave of relief at seeing a somewhat contented Emily sitting in front of a full scale English breakfast, a piece of toast already in her mouth. "Katie cooked," she mumbled, her mouth already full as she acknowledged my entrance. I could've sworn I saw her glance down at my bare legs, but her focus switched so quickly I could only happily imagine she'd stolen the perv.

"Good because I'm famished," I replied, sitting at the table and serving up the assortment of food. I didn't make breakfast meat a habit, but that spliff had left me ruddy well in. I needed that coffee and I needed this sausage. After I took my fair share, the quiet heralded the fact Emily and I were alone in the corner of the dining room.

"Are we ever going to meet the woman whose hospitality we're encroaching upon, or did Effy just steal a random house key? Both of which are suitable explanations." Emily smiled as she sipped her juice.

"Not sure," she said as she placed the glass back down and kept her focus on consuming her breakfast. Biting into my potatoes, I waited for Emily to say something about last night so I didn't have to bring it up myself. After a few moments of silence, I realized she wasn't going to say anything so I decided...neither would I. And the rest of the meal was spent with an orchestration of forks to plate and quiet chewing.

Come to find Effy's aunt was closing some sort of deal in Cambridge, and had high hopes of Effy moving to Leeds after the summer concluded. This piece of information splatted amongst the four of us later in the morning as we made our way to the bus stop, which as it turned out, was a considerably longer walk from Miss Stonem's than it was from Lana's. Yes, she was a Stonem. Yes, she was a 'Miss.'

"Think you're going to take her up on it?" I asked, pulling my bag a little higher up on my shoulder. Effy and I had trailed behind the Fitch twins nearly the entire time, and the unison snap back of their heads at Effy's revelation caused us both to break out into grins. Emily looked curious...Katie? Disheartened?

"Dunno," was all Effy said in reply as she took a pull off the fag she'd just lit. Katie's eyes lingered behind her, but Emily's attention immediately returned forward, the interest from moments ago completely negated. Emily had remained silent to the point of mute, as if she had retreated back to the shy twin I'd met when we were fourteen, not the strong independent woman who had broken free of Katie's cocoon. I didn't know if she'd woken up in my arms again, and _that_ had been the cause for her disappearance, or like me, her brain had subconsciously sensed a meal being prepared or...something...anything else? I also didn't see her take any pills after breakfast this morning before she had finished and removed herself from the table without so much as a word.

_Your signals giving me whiplash, hun..._

As we stood at the stop and waited, Emily leaned against Katie, nudging her elbow a bit to grab her attention. "Sorry about the party." Katie visibly sighed.

"Lana's a bitch, I can't believe you're friends with her, Effy." Effy cast Katie an irritated glare.

"She's a twat with bad fucking timing," she grumbled, mashing the cherry of her fag into a bin.

"No shit," Katie replied. Gratefully the bus pulled up before much else could be said and I was the first to hop on. Effy and I found a conjoined seat toward the back, while Emily chose a seat in the middle against the window. Katie cast a peculiar look at her choice to separate herself, but with a heavy sigh, eventually slumped into the seat beside her. The bus ride was nothing but awkward, as my eyes found Emily's more than once, despite her continuing to look away every chance she got.

"You hate yourself for Sophia," Effy practically whispered, clearly put out Emily and I were making eyes at each other but neither had moved to do a fucking thing about it, "but you know...Emily wasn't a fucking saint either." My tired eyes blinked back at the very open sapphires seated next to me. "She was hurting, but she also made you miserable. No one deserves that much punishment."

"How do you even begin to know what she and I went through?"

"A spade can call another spade, Naomi, and besides, you'd have to be fucking blind to miss it. But she wasn't entitled to make you feel worthless." Shaking my head, I let out a long sigh and ran my fingers through my hair. Effy went quiet for a few minutes before asking yet another critically weighted question. "Are you in love with her? Or is it just the memories of her?" My eyes roamed Emily's small frame as it continued to stare out the window. I remembered our first day together at college, when she'd looked at me from across the benches, and I'd rolled my eyes at her staring. As much as it had irritated me then...I wanted nothing more than for her to look at me like that now. But I knew even if she never did...even if I never really got all of her back...

Reaching into my shirt, I removed her ring which I now wore on a chain around my neck...hidden from her sight...like it seemed I was..."It's Emily," I replied, a calm finality in my tone. "It's always been Emily."

After the painfully long and utterly uncomfortable transit from Leeds to Bristol had ended, the four of us, the only remaining passengers, debussed single file, and immediately realized we were ultimately pulled in three different directions. Effy walked off without so much as a goodbye, leaving me with Emily and Katie to try and figure out how to properly end this utter failure of a weekend away.

_What a fucking bust._

"Yeah well..." I started.

"See you," Katie finished, grabbing Emily's sleeve, attempting to pull her off in the opposite direction down the street she knew I was going to head.

"Fuck," Emily groaned, immediately tugging her arm from her sister's useless clasp. My tunnel vision was otherwise obscured from anything other than Emily licking her lips the second they were forcefully pressed against mine. My head popped back momentarily in surprise, a quick inhale shooting into the back of my throat, before I willingly relaxed into the tender massage my mouth was receiving. I closed my eyes as Emily's hand shot up into my hair, my own finding the cup of her neck delicately. It had always been like this when we kissed. Emily in fervor as if she were certain it was the last time. And me in reverence, assuring her it never would be. After she pulled away, our eyes met and held. "I'm sorting it," she whispered, answering me before I could ask 'what was that for?' Pulling away, she met Katie's side as they walked away, I knew it was the best I was going to get. For now.

Once the urge to chase after her and kiss her senseless had evaporated down from blinding desire to aching want, I turned on my own heel and walked the few blocks to my flat. The wind was brisk, and the whizzing by of the cars and motorbikes gave the air a whistle which was almost haunting in its ambiance. A few blocks from my doorstep, my phone vibrated.

**It was nice.**

**What was?** I sent back. A few more paces and a then another vibration.

**Waking up next to you. Twice.**

Smiling, I slipped my key into the lock and stepping inside, nearly brought my trainer down on the mail. Absently, I reached down and tossed it onto the nearby table without much thought, still lost in Emily's text until I saw a yellow envelope with my name on it. There was no sending or forwarding address, and the letters seemed to have been typed out on an old typewriter. _Who even has one of those anymore?_ Placing my bag down in the hallway, I reached over and opened the letter. The ink looked real which didn't make it a photocopy, and my bugged eyes couldn't do anything other than stare. Despite all the logic in my brain telling me otherwise, I was staring at a torn piece of paper from Sophia's book, only having seen it myself the one attempt she had made at trying to give it to me that rooted me to the spot in a chill of panic. And the only thing I could think to say was, "What the actual _fuck_?!"


	13. 12: You Win Because I'm Not Counting

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm very proud of this chapter, and the way things turned out. Is the little twist sparking some theories? Questions? Well you aren't getting any answers just yet because where's the fun in that? We still have five more chapters to go! Yep, chapter 17 will be the epilogue guys, and I'm already excited. Are you?**

**Anyway, enjoy, review, spread the word, we're counting down from here, and it's going to be one helluva race to the bottom! And since I haven't done it in a while:**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own "Skins," I just have a deep profound love of the characters so I'm borrowing them for my own angsty amusement!**

**CHAPTER TWELVE: ...You Win Because I'm Not Counting**

**I tried calling earlier but you didn't answer. You ok?; Are you angry?; Naomi what's wrong I just want to talk, why aren't you answering your phone?; Sorry for being pushy. Just worried is all.; Will you just let me know you're ok?**

I deleted every message one by one from my inbox, leaving all unanswered. I was sorry to worry her, to upset her in any way, but my brain could only wrap around one task at a time, and three days after our little adventure in Leeds, I had more than one special delivery. Sitting at the kitchen table, twirling my lit fag between my fingers over and over again, I glowered at and studied the pictures spread across the table. The one at the far left first was a simple representation of the day Sophia and I met, a hand reaching out to tap a blonde's shoulder. The one place in the center was of distanced hands centimeteres from touching. In the bubbled dialogue was a printed confession of the lies the cartoon version of myself felt were necessary to explain why I was there. Then there was the third, a picture of hands intertwined. Drawn over by a heart. Each minute spent staring at the crude reminders of my infidelity made it harder to remove myself from the spiral of masochistic wallowing. Nothing about the pictures had been altered, no notes or messages, so the papers themselves were acting in place for somone, the only logical someone who could've delivered these: Matt. Somehow he had to've gotten a hold of the book after it fell and miracuously survived the impact to the pavement.

I had no way of contacting him. It wasn't a simple matter of storming up to his parent's flat and demanding him to knock it off or I kicked the shit out of him. Sophia's family had moved, and the only reason I knew was because Emily's guilt urged her to send flowers to their residence. The delivery man informed her the next day they had relocated.

Yet here was physical evidence to the contrary. The day I'd received the very first one, I remember I had glanced at the calender in the hallway. Of course I hadn't thought of it at all, but the anniversary of Sophia's death was only a few short weeks away, so I figured I'd let Matt have his bout of taudry cruelty. Let him remind me of what I did and who I fucked over if it'd help him feel better. Let him fling his shit. Eventually, time took it's toll on my guilty conscious and pretty soon I found myself staring at the drawing for hours upon hours, allowing both of them to work their way into my psyche. The next morning when the second one arrived I was already well in out of sheer exhaustion, and before I knew it another day had passed and the third drawing had arrived at my doorstep. Effy found me sitting in the living room that morning, staring at the damn things like were cobras about to strike if I took my eyes off them for even a moment. It'd gone too far at that point, and I knew I had to spill the whole story to someone or I'd go mad. Details weren't necessary, but I had to start at the beginning, explaining why I slept with Sophia, what happened on the roof at the club, the long drawn out days and even lonelier nights Emily and I were forced to spend in each other's company. Not many people had wanted to be around Emily and I during our long rough patch, myself being at the tip top of that list, because if I wasn't pissed out of my mind, then I was quietly smoking a fag in the corner, insistent on not associating with anyone whatsoever. And just when I thought my penance was paid, Matt was prying open healing wounds. I knew Effy would understand what that was like.

"_He can't make me feel more guilty," I confided, "So what else does he wants from me?" She'd taken a hard look at the pictures for while she took a deep inhale of her fag._

"_People do strange things when they're hurting Naomi," she said in that 'Effy' way of hers, slowly looking up at me from atop the paper. I slumped further down onto the living room sofa. "He's looking for something." My stomach turned a bit before she threw me a smile. "But these," she lightly shook the paper in her hands before tossing them to the other end of the table, "prove he doesn't have the balls to really do anything about it." Taking another drag, her eyes locked onto mine. "Still…" I waited for her to continue, to fully explain the contradiction she was beginning...but that was she had to say on the matter. Not very fucking helpful._

So here I was, wasting another day, my thoughts soundtracked by the cryptically annoying warnings of Effy Stonem. "Jesus," I grumbled, finally breaking out of my stupor as I picked up the first picture and placed the cherry of my fag right atop the etching of my own face. It didn't take long before the paper was merely ash in the bright orange mixing bowl I had pulled from beneath the counter. My phone vibrated against the wood as I checked it again for the third time that morning.

**I've missed you.**

Unlike every other message sent prior, this one cut beneath the callouses deep enough to send my fingers over the keys of my phone.

**Me too.**

**Can I come by?**

Several breaths passed through my slightly parted lips before I finally I typed in my address. Once the message was relayed, I drug my weary body up the stairs. Peering into a nearby cupboard, I found a medium sized cardboard box whils I carried with me into my room. Standing in my doorway I took note of the large stack of Emily's things which still rested at the foot of my bed. It was if the summer had never occured, Emily was still planning on us going to Goa and there was nothing scary about the future anymore.

_What a haunting crock of shit._

Kneeling beside the pile, I took special care in packing away all of Emily's things from her clothes to the photographs to any other tiny thing which could trigger any of the memories of our former life together. I shut my brain off as I did so, unwilling to dwell on the actions my hands were taking against the dull aching somewhere in the pit of my stomach.

Once Emily's possessions had disappeared from sight, I gave the room another thorough scan, checking in the closet, under the bed, beneath the sofa...even across the window sill where Emily sometimes liked to leave me little post it notes for me to find. I'd almost always risen before her, so she'd had a laugh leaving me goofy messages to read while I had a fag in the morning. The loud crack of the duct tape was abnormally loud as I pressed it against the cardboard, ripping both ends and sealing everything away. Now there was nothing. Not a trace Emily ever lived here except for what was in this box. Slipping it into the closet, I slumped down onto my mattress. My weary eyes fluttered closed as my mind willed itself to linger on anything other than the tell-tale sound of the box just inside my closet door.

"Naomi...Naomi wake up..." a familiar, tender voice echoed as my eyes slowly opened to find Emily kneeling over my bedside. With a long inhale, my inside of my palm rubbed the sleep from my eyes while I stretched out on my strewn duvet. I groaned as I felt the blood coursing back into my legs which had slumped awkwardly over the end of the mattress.

"How did you get in?" I asked.

"Door was open. I tried ringing and texting you but...when I didn't hear anything I tried the knob. Hope you're not upset." Chortling, I slowly sat up.

"Well, trespassing is illegal and all, but since I left my phone downstairs, I suppose you only entered to check on my wellbeing." Emily smiled and nodded as she sank to the floor at the foot of my bed, but before she could make herself comfortable, I took hold of her hand. "Don't be silly," I insisted as I pulled her onto the foot of my bed.

"You did kind of fuck off for a few days."

"Things have been...epochal," I admitted. Emily scooted closer, leaving our hands millimeters from one another on the feather-down fabric.

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"Not particularly." She was trying to coax something out of me with her lingering doe eyes, so to assuage her from pressing the matter further, I placed the brush of kiss on her lips. She inhaled tightly at the contact. "But having you here makes it better," I whispered against her lips with a small smile. In the next instant, her hand clutched into my hair, pulling me in for a deeper kiss. Initially, I was pleasantly surprised and eager to return the fervor Emily was bursting with, but as Emily's lips began to press harder in rapid succession, I sensed desperation leaking from her kiss. The saltiness of tears signalled me to I pull back, finding the streaks already pronounced down Emily's cheeks.

"Emily, what's wrong?" Lips found mine again with the same fervant pull, tiny hairs yanked from my scalp as Emily's clinging fingers matched the zeal of her tongue against mine. This wasn't good, this so wasn't good. She'd needed to see me too badly she was kissing me like she was-like we were-and the tears and-Emily buried her face against my chest.

"Dad found a job in Innverness." All sound was drowned in the tidal wave of Emily's words and the tears spattering into my shirt. "We leave at the end of the summer." My hands started shaking. Feeling the room start to spin, I gripped the back of my head, trying desperately to control the oncoming panic.

"You-you're going with them." The answer was in her eyes, but her voice spoke all the same.

"I don't have any choice, Naomi, I don't have any money to keep myself here. I don't have Uni. I don't-I don't have a reason-" I was being ripped open and every thought was scattering like feathers on the wind. The fear was taking over, drowning me so deep I almost didn't hear the faint whisper of, "Unless…I do?" Licking my lips, I glanced at Emily and noticed the swell of her own. "Do I have a reason to stay in Bristol, Naomi?" My heart actually stopped. I knew because I could feel it once it started beating again. I wanted to tell her...everything...

"Only if you can think of one," I replied. That was not the answer I wanted to give her. Those weren't the right words coming out of my mouth. They weren't powerful enough to keep her rooted where she sat, so she walked to the door. As if I had just been shot, I lept on her, whirling her around as I collided us against the wooden frame, my lips practically tearing at hers.

_How many times do I have to lose you?_

In a breath of a second Emily pushed away into the hall, her torso colliding against the railing, her hands clasping onto it for dear life. "I want to remember," she choked out through a sob, her body shaking under the strain. Still high off my passion, I enveloped myself around her from behind, pulling her close. Her body shook under the rake of the weeks of frustrated days and nights, and all I could offer her was the tightening of my arms. After what felt like several moments of watching and hearing her heart break, Emily turned to me. Her hands were unwilling to loosen their grip on the railing as her cheek nestled against mine. "I woke up in the hospital and your eyes were the first thing I saw." Her head sunk down onto my shoulder as her arms finally clasped around my waist. "Naomi, I don't know what we—what I mean to you…"

"Emily," I began, her name a quiet whisper, "Emily…I need you to know…today…tomorrow…I'll wait for you." Swallowing I brought a hand to her cheek, my thumb massaging away one of the tearful lines. "Always." Everything enveloping my senses in that moment was Emily, as I curled my finger beneath her chin to bring out lips back together.

Hands clenched around my arms as I was pulled back to face Emily's sobbing eyes. "Why?" Cupping her face in my hands I smiled down at her, tasting my own tears at the corner of my lips.

"Shall I show you again?" And with that my lips descended on her again, my kiss spelling out everything I didn't know how to say. In that moment every other thing faded from existence. The shed, the accident, Freddie's death, the party, the letters…it was as it always had been. Emily kissing me.

_All you ever wanted to do was love me. It was enough for you…I wish I had known sooner it was enough for me too…_

Emily's hands buried their way under my shirt, exploring the skin which was new to her, dips and curves of my body which were foreign to her fingertips, and as her lips moved past my own and trailed past my cheek onto my collarbone, I didn't stop her. If she needed me now, if she needed to go with her family later, I'd let her do as she wished as long as right now, in this moment, she didn't stop kissing me. My ragged breath escaped in a moan as her hands clenched around my shoulder blades, trying to meld us from her fingertips alone. Her lips shifted from mine to scale down the length of my neck in quick bursts of nipping pressure. Her breath against my skin was beckoning, and I knew in another few seconds we were headed back into my bedroom, because I'd always been helpless against the sensation. "Ask me to stay," she begged her eyelashes brushing the the crook of my neck. I swallowed hard, willing some blood back into my brain as I took in her request.

Unable to anchor in any sort of clarity with the way the sensations were crashing against me, I gripped Emily's shoulders and pulled her away from me, pressing myself against the back of the wall. Exhaling rapidly, I picked a spot on the floor and tried to focus, trying to find any words to voice what I wanted to say. Anything I wanted to say. 'We should talk,' 'I want to figure this out,' 'Please don't leave me...' but I gave Emily none of these things. As my eyes found hers again I saw they were brimming with tears, and I realized my need to step back, my moment of hesitation had given her the wrong impression entirely. And she thought I didn't want her. Speeding her way down the hall, my voice finally whipped out with a cracked, "Emily…"

A loud slamming from downstairs followed by a distant, "Naomi!" gave force to my feet as I followed the red-head down the stairs.

"Emily, no, Emily wait!" I called out, willing her to stop, to turn around. Emily bolted down the stairs, nearly ramming into Effy by the banister. My legs nearly tripped over themselves as I tried to catch her, but Emily was hell bent on evacuating my flat before she could properly fall apart. With a final, straining reach of my fingers once my toes hit the final step, my hand found hers and clutched to it desperately. She wasn't going out that door thinking I wanted her to move to another country. "Emily, you don't understand" I panted, pulling her into me, "I don't—" She attempted to kiss me, but I backed away, "No, you have to know that-"

"Why are you hiding from me?" her voice finally broke in, her body wrenching itself from mine. In a hasty, snap decision, my mind did a complete one-eighty on me, as my blood boiled at the onslaught of indescernable signals Emily had been plaguing me with for the last six years of my life.

"You're the one running to the door!" I shouted. "You throw this news about going to Scotland at me and then you're wanting, what? A profession? I've already told you Emily, I told you that day by the lake, I can't give anything like that to you! But it doesn't mean I want you to leave." Sniffling back the oncoming tears, I continued, "And it also means I can't ask you to stay." My fingers tingled as they shook, absent of contact from Emily's. "That's just—that's all I have to give right now Emily and…I'm sorry if it's not enough…"

It wasn't true. I had so much more to give, and it was waiting just behind the door of Emily's recovery. So why couldn't I tell her as much? Her eyes cast down as her bottom lip trembled before being captured between her teeth. "Me too," she whispered, before a sniffle of a sob escaped her lips. My own shaky breath, vibrated in the back of my throat. Emily couldn't help wanting more from me. It's how we worked. The give and take had always been floundering on my side, and just when I thought perhaps I could return what I'd received, everything had changed. Now we stood on a shakable precipice, and I was going to fall off its edge with a mere push in any direction.

"I'm not going anywhere," I promised, my eyes upturned, afraid my voice would bring her gaze back up to mine. My body sunk against the wall as I heard her footsteps pull her away. Effy had left the door wide open, and Emily didn't close it. When my gaze lowered, she was gone. Biting my lower lip, my head turned toward Effy who was staring in the direction Emily had gone.

"Bad time?" she asked. I sniffled back a tear.

"Same old shit," I whispered as I walked around her and into the kitchen. I wanted to reach for the bottle of vodka just above my head in the pantry. In fact my hand shook as it clutched the counter, my eyes staring into the sink as I willed myself against it. Drinking had been my escape for the last year every time Emily had broken my heart, and the bottle of Sladki was practically screaming my name like an old friend I'd abandoned. Before I could reach for it, however, I felt Effy's hand on my shoulder. I could count the number of times Effy and I had made physical contact on one hand. Neither of us were known for being very physically affectionate people, when it came to strangers anyway. Plenty of people had been privileged to public displays when we were both happily coupled. And now… "What did you need?" I asked in a low whisper, turning to face her. Her hand slipped away from my shoulder.

"Been getting more letters?" I shrugged.

"Haven't checked the post." Effy crossed her arms.

"Someone might know something, but you're not going to like who." Wasn't aware she was throwing herself into a detective role. I shook my head, urging her to answer. "Lana." My eyebrows narrowed.

"How the fuck—" I groaned, running my hands through my head as I snatched the pack of fags from the kitchen counter and stormed outside. I needed fresh air and as much nicotine as my body could handle. Effy followed me, situating herself on the nearby swing while I leaned against the railing. "You know what, fuck it, no," I rambled, "I don't even want to know. I can't—I can't deal with this shit, Effy. Betwen Sophia from beyond the grave and now...Emily I-I just-" I let the words lie there while I took another inhale of my fag, not really knowing where I was going with any of that.

"I don't think you should. Deal with it," she responded, sitting in the adjacent porch swing whilst I leaned against the opposite railing. My thumb and index finger mashed the butt end of my fag as I twirled it in my fingers. "Just…fix it." A light laugh escaped my lips.

"Everyone makes it sound so fucking easy. Try. Fix it. Do better. Love me."

"Selifsh." A silence settled before Effy said, "They can't help it you know. None of us can." I knelt down onto the porch, my feet idly playing amongst the grass. "Was that really all you could tell her?" Taking a drag off the fag in my hands, I rattled off like a textbook,

"Side effects from neurological comas include brain clots, anneurisms, replases, even..." the last word was barely audible, "...death." Clearing my throat I continued. "Recovery time is critical and should be handled with care." Thinking to the events over the last few weeks, I laughed sadly, my voice trailing out of the monotone and brandishing a hint of guilt and remorse. "Fucking great job I've done at seeing to that." Effy practically guffawed, causing me to turn my head sharply and glower at her. "What the fuck is so funny?" Leaning forward, she flicked her fag away with a clip of her fingers, smiling at me as if she held the secrets to the world. Effy often did.

"It's Emily," she replied, the words practically dripping from her lips. The fag teetering on my lips fell onto my foot, nearly catching the cherry against my toe. But I didn't notice. My brain was wrapping around the simplest of truths, and they'd come from Effy Stonem's mouth:

_It's Emily._

"Fucking hell what have I done," I mumbled out in a single breath as I bolted through the back door and into the foyer, throwing my trainers on before I bolted through the front door. My feet landed hard on the pavement before I yanked my bike free from it's spoke against the gate and hopped on the bike, peddaling to match the pounding of my heart. I had to catch her. I had to find her. I had to tell her everything. I wasn't dealing with a recovering coma patient. This was Emily. She had been ready and waiting. And I hadn't seen it, stupid, fucking me hadn't seen it.

I had to catch her...

I had to find her...

I had to tell her who I was...

I had to tell her I loved her...


	14. 13: Mess Up My Bed With Me

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: So guys, I'm happy to announce that I am going to start a companion ficlet to "It's So Fragile" no more than 4-5 chapters, though, where you guys will see parts of this story from Emily's POV. I plan on giving you two chapters worth of content Naomi never saw, I'll rewrite one chapter of MY choosing from Emily's perspective, and here's the fun part: I'M GOING TO LET YOU GUYS CHOOSE THE OTHER!**

**I know we haven't finished the story yet, but start thinking about which chapter YOU would like to see from Emily's POV...but there's one stipulation. You cannot you CAN. NOT. choose this one. This is ONE of TWO not up for grabs. The other one is the next to last chapter, and I'll post a reminder when we get there as well. Sorry guys. It's my only rule ;)**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter and, oh gods, I know you're ready for it, you can just tell from the title what's going to happen and it's been a long time coming. ::snarks:: Anyway, read, review, enjoy, and don't forget to start thinking which you'd like to see in the companion piece, and if you already know, go ahead and leave it in the reviews or send me a PM. Cheers until the next chapter, dears!**

**CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Mess Up My Bed With Me**

Halfway to the Fitch flat, and still not one trace of Emily anywhere, it became abundantly clear she had not taken the standard route home. Bringing my bike to a halt at the curb, I panted feverishly, wiping my sweat-laden brow as I looked up and down the avenues.

_Where the fuck are you, Emily, you didn't have that much of a headstart on me. _

Whipping my phone out, I dialed her number and brought it up to my ear to let it ring. And ring...and ring...click! Silence answered on the other end...I waited for her to say something for a few moments, but when I was met with nothing more than gentle breathing on the other line, I knew she wasn't interested in speaking to me...but she wasn't opposed to hearing what I had to say...

"Emily, I just want to know where you are." A long pause... "Please?" Releasing a sigh, I added, "I'm a stupid fucking git, ok?" Licking my lips, I tasted the beginnings of rainfall atop them as my head whipped in every which direction, hoping at any moment I'd see her coming from around the corner with the phone pressed to her ear. Nothing to the left. Nothing to the right. "A hint at the very least?"

"I'm at the park, Naomi," was her very matter of fact reply before the line went dead. There were several parks throughout Bristol, only one held any significance to either of us. Tiny raindrops lightly beat down on my nose and hands as I hopped over the seat of my bike and pedaled as fast as I could still manage. I had to get to her before the downpour started, coax her into some shelter where we could talk.

I found her seated on the swing set, her hair already starting to frizz from the oncoming storm.

_If you wear the ring with the heart pointed toward you..._

_Put it on will you..._

Her eyes traced over a small packet resting in her lap, a bag which she hadn't brought into my flat, rested against a nearby tree. One that looked to carry more than just her usual toting supplies. My heart jumped into my throat at the implication she had planned on skipping town without saying anything. Had Scotland been a thing of the future or the possibility of only a few hours away? And why would she lie to me if it had been? I stepped closer, my feet crackling on the crinkled summer leaves, fulling intending to voice just those questions when Emily's tear stained eyes rose to mine. Her hand extended toward me, presenting the all too familiar brochure.

Glancing down, I didn't have to really read the lettering to know what it said, so I chose to keep my focus on Emily. "Goldsmiths?" She licked her lips and swallowed.

"Yeah," was all she replied, standing slowly. I shook my head as the paper in my trembling hand began to shake. I wasn't sure if I was angry, hurt...or simply cold...

"You weren't going to Scotland. You going to London."

"JJ and Lara had a spare room."

"You...you were going to...follow me? Because you thought I-"

"Open the packet," she whispered, a stifling calm in her voice. Slowly I opened the paper and removed...a picture. A picture taken of Emily and I from a wonky old time photo booth at a festival we visited once she and her family had returned from Paris. My hair had managed to grow out a bit the. She still had sugar on her face from the cotton candy I had smeared into her mouth. I remember the sweet, pink taste lingering on my lips after the kiss...which this dinky little camera had captured. "What does the back mean?" Emily asked as I continued to stare down at the photo as it began to wet from the increasing rain. Slipping the picture back into the leaflet, and folding the paper, I shoved it into my back pocket to protect it from any further damage.

"Emily it's going to start really pissing soon, we should-" Closing the distance between us, Emily's hands grabbed my arse firmly, causing made my breath catch before I realized what she was doing. Her lips pursed in a firm line as she roughly yanked the packet free from my pocket. Tossing the papers aside she held the tiny picture in front of me forcing me to look at the words scrawled with a felt tipped pen in my handwriting.

_**I don't need cat flaps when you're on the other side of the door.**_

"Emily, you don't-"

"No!" she barked, curling the photo between her fingers, nearly crumpling it before my very eyes. A sharp inhale escaped my lips over the potential damage her gentle fingers were capable of doing to the photographed memory. "I found this on your counter when I came over today. I was beyond distraught over having to leave-" she stopped herself, and I really wish she hadn't, "-about following my family to Scotland. Fuck knows what's in Scotland, their goddamn kilts and gray food. I can't even remember my life here why do I want another somewhere else. So I thought-London...at least there I could have I don't know...something?" She lowered the photograph but kept our eyes locked. "Someone?" she practically pleaded.

"But that's just it," I insisted, "Emily, you do remember your life. You-"

"But not this!" she insisted, the softening swept away as she held up the photo again, "Why don't I remember _this_? Why don't I know what this message _means_ to me...to _you_...Naomi, please...tell me...who. are. you?"

My hands shook as I went in with my big guns and just prayed, if there was a God, he'd remind me how strong Emily could be so what I revealed didn't...break her...break us... "You died...Emily..." I began in a whisper, my arms wrapping about my chest, clutching and clawing at the dampening fabric of my coat. The pelts of rain picked up their pace, but I just blinked back the water. "I watched it happen. The doctor told me...if you didn't work things out on your own there would be a chance I'd have to watch that happen all over again...the brain, Emily, it's a finicky thing, and I didn't know what to do...I'm still so terrified of losing you...it was always the only thing that scared me more than-," a loud crack of thunder crashed nearby as I finished, "-actually _being _with you."

"What?!" Emily shouted. At first I wasn't sure if she were shocked at my confession or if she had actually missed what I'd said. I shook my head, running the rain back from my face with my hands.

_What do I do? How can I make you see?_

Hot tears stained my cheeks amongst the polluted ones hitting my hair, shoulders, and back as I reached for her and pulled Emily in for a searing kiss. She wrapped her hands around my neck, deepening the kiss for several minutes. My mind was going to sabotage the courage building inside if I didn't get this out quickly, so with a sharp inhale I mumbled against her lips, "You were mine..." breaking our lips apart with a sway of my head I kept my eyes closed as I added, "...because I'm yours." When I opened them again, Emily's face was wet. But not from the rain. Her breathing expelled in quick gasps and her nose sniffled.

"I was just waiting for you to say it," she yelled with a broad smile over the roars of the wind. My knees went weak and threatened to topple me as I clutched Emily's arms, her wet jumper clinging to my fingers.

"You remember?" She shook her head with lilt of laughter.

"No. I just...know it." The words tumbled out in the tiniest break of silence from the weather, and landed so tightly around my heart I thought I was going to faint. My hands squeezed Emily tighter. Her arms rose to bring me closer and as I mirrored her smile, she kissed me. Not stopping at my forearms, her hand pressed upward until they were tangled in my dampening hair, tugging down onto my neck to threatening to drown me amongst the rain and our tears.

My trainers slid between hers as I pulled her closer to me, my hands practically clawing their way drown from her arms to her stomach around to her hips. My arms tightened around her waist as our lips spring-boarded in rapid succession, trying to take in every corner of the other's mouth before tongues begged and were granted entrance. I couldn't get enough of her, I couldn't drink her in hard enough...any minute now she was going to rob my senses completely blind. And I wouldn't stop her.

But we absolutely had to get out of this rain. Curling my arms around her shoulders, I gently, thoughbeit unwillingly, called a cease fire our tongue-tied embrace. Removing my coat from around my shoulders, I wrapped it around Emily's. "You'll freeze!" Emily contended over the quickening pace of the droplets. It wouldn't be long, however, before they were the size of boulders.

"No I won't!" I assured her, turning her on her heel, and pointing toward a small stone gazebo whose azaleas were being destroyed by the wet onslaught. Interlocking her hand in mine, we bolted through the grassy mud toward the tiny shelter. Nearly slipping on the change of ground, we tumbled into the stone refuge, giggling at ourselves as we clung onto one another to keep upright.

Seeing as she was practically soaked to the skin, my hands started rubbing up and down Emily's arms, my coat rustling at the exuberant contact. "Get some friction going," I said without thinking. A cheeky grin broke over Emily's face as she retorted, her voice dropping into that sexy, husky octave that drove me mad with want,

"Funny. Just what I was thinking."

Emily's lips found mine again in a hungry and hurried haze. My back was rammed against one of the poles, with a force I was completely unaware Emily could muster in such a state. Gratefully my head was absent of being knocked senseless due to my mouth practically trying to meld directly with Emily's own. "Sorry," Emily mumbled hurriedly as her hands caressed the underpart of my shirt. I smiled into the kiss.

"I'm fine." Breaking contact, Emily's hooded eyes gleamed at me.

"Just fine?" Having her touch absent from mine, I could see the intent in every gesture of Emily's face, and while I knew she was being coy, my head couldn't stop itself from going elsewhere, so I asked,

"Are you? Ok? I mean...are you-"

"Naomi," Emily cooed, her tone dropping as a silky warmth swam into her register, "I won't break." The words hung in the air, each raindrop above our heads which hit the roof of the gazebo acted as a nail to drive the words into reality, cementing Emily's words, willing me to believe them. Removing my coat from around her shoulders, she placed it just inside the entryway, and took my hands in hers. She delicately guided my suddenly trembling arms around her waist, twisting our wrists so our fingers could interlock as the space between us vanished.

Her chest was pressing against mine rapidly, and I was momentarily grateful for my layers of clothing, otherwise I was fairly certain Emily would be able to feel how hard my heart was drumming against my rib cage. Her hot breath against my neck began to mirror the intensity of how hard she was pressing the tops of my hands into her back. They slid back and forth through each other as our palms radiated the heat spinning over us like a tesla coil until mine were tangled in the wet cloth of Emily's jumper. Fingers idly danced up my arms, trailing over the goosebumps left in the contact's wake until the line drawn from my hands to my wrists to my elbows to my shoulders and up against my neck were cupped in Emily Fitch's perfectly sized hands. Her thumbs lightly massaged just under my chin as her eyes bore into mine, her silent, slightly parted lips screaming to be tasted. As I leaned down, feeling the pressure of the wanting pull against me, my eyelids went heavy as Emily closed hers, and before my mouth landed I whispered, "I'm beyond asking you to stay Emily...I'll beg if I have to..." The tug against my neck ceased for a split second, but before I could open my eyes to see why, Emily's lips were on mine in a kiss to rival the one given to me only moments ago in the rain.

And I kissed her back. Oh, how I kissed her back. I had always given my mum a hard time about being this walking cliche, but here in this storm, kissing Emily, I felt everything wash away. Emily's lips were baptizing me anew as I moaned into the intimate embrace. As if the sound were a trumpeting signal, Emily's hands sprang into action as they flung my wet shirt over my head. Almost immediately, my hands grappled with Emily's jumper pulling it free from the skin I yearned to purify with the inferno rising between us. Lips traced from my lips down the center of my chest, resulting in sensations so powerful, my hands flew like two stones released from a sling shot out to either side, my palms splaying against the wet stone of the gazebo pillars. I pushed with all my might to steady my trembling body as Emily knelt lower, my head lulling back so the tips of my hair were getting cleansed by the rain falling from the cusp of the roof.

When I felt her nip and bite my stomach, I wrapped my hands tighter around the marble, pulling my shoulders into a full flex. I didn't try to stifle the high-pitched cries crumbling from the back of my throat. Emily's lips vibrated against me as she released a short, satisfied laugh, her hands lightly clawed at my sides until they reached the hem of my knickers. Once I heard the light tap of her knees against the stone below, I glanced down just in time to see her teeth wrap around the elastic of my pants and with a taut pull of her hands and mouth, tear the hindering object. With another tug, pull, and kick off my own foot, my wet, wanting center was exposed before Emily. My breathing increased as I watched her quietly, almost reverently, take in the sight of me. Her eyes searched as her fingers lightly wandered around the dips of my hip bone, and then trailed down to the inside of my thighs. Her adulating, chocolate doe eyes glanced back up into mine, as if they were seeing me again for the very first time. She rose a little, I felt her eyelashes fall downward as her lips pressed tenderly against my stomach, and her hands wrapped around my waist. New rain from Emily's eyes fell against my flesh. My body melted into the adoring embrace as my right hand reached down and stroked the top of Emily's hair.

"Emily, I-" but my confession never found it's landing as Emily found hers, my voice heralding a cry from instantaneous pleasure as Emily's lips kissed against my swollen clit. I shook so violently I was afraid I'd ripped her beautiful red hair from her scalp, but she merely continued to open me up until she took me completely in her mouth. My lower back pressed against the railing of the gazebo as my hips pushed forward and my legs widened to grant her further access, the heel of my right trainer finding it's way to a resting press over Emily's shoulder. The blinding ecstasy of her lips servicing mine broke through my voice with every press and stroke of her tongue. Even from the very first time she'd touched, she'd always been uncharacteristically good at this, never afraid to just go for it...to take me unashamedly...unleash me unbridled...exactly as she was doing now.

With each surge of rapture, my heart swelled. Every emotion in my soul fought for dominance at having Emily between my legs, unraveling me at her own gloriously agonizing pace. She could, and did, tear me apart when we were like this. I couldn't hide who I was, I never wanted to feel or be anything else other than completely hers. The tightening of the beginnings of my climax threatened to devour me as my ragged breath came in short, audible gasps. But I didn't want to come just yet, I wanted to ride this euphoria out through the waves of the tempest around us. "Slower," I choked out through a piercing cry and without moving a beat, Emily's tongue ebbed out as the thick, wet muscle was soon replaced with her fingers which circled and toyed with my clit but never entered me. That would have fucking ended me.

Slowly she stood and wrapped her swollen lips against my collar bone. When she flushed against me, her goosebump covered flesh was wet and cold. Wrapping my arms around her, I whispered, "You're the one who's freezing," Her caressing kiss wandered to the center of my neck, applying firm pressure while my hand found it's place in her hair yet again.

"Change that then," her deep, graveling voice commanded. I could never say no to that voice. Wrapping her hair in my fingers, I popped her head back to bring her lips crashing onto mine. My tongue drank in my lingering taste, fueling my desire like an ambrosia as I pushed us both to the other side of the gazebo. Emily's back collided roughly against the stone pillar, and I immediately felt offended by every piece of clothing still on the lithe woman's body.

"These don't help," I practically purred as I rolled down Emily's tights. Her hands were bracing her up as her legs spread a bit to give me all the room I needed to toss the tight fabric to the other side of the gazebo walls. Once they were cleared, I enveloped Emily in my arms arms and continued to kiss everything I could touch. Her lips, her eyes, her cheeks, her nose, down to her jaw and neck. I was going to consume every droplet of rain and replace it with the searing mark of my kiss. As my hands wandered, Emily's fingernails dug into my back, across my arse, down onto the tops of my thighs. Yearning for us to get closer, I broke from the kiss for just a moment to touch the top of one of the wide-set benches. Finding it neither too wet or cold, I tenderly wrapped my hands around Emily's shoulders and gingerly layed her onto her back.

In the days before, I had felt her atop me, had held her as we slept, but now, splayed atop my waiting lover, the weight of my fortune caused every muscle in my body to clench. To show my gratitude, my lips found hers yet again, while I tried desperately not to bury my hips too roughly against hers for fear of marking up any part of her still healing body. A small smile danced over Emily's face. "What is it?" I asked, my fingers dancing lightly atop her abs, trying very hard not to notice the small abrasions of disfigured flesh the wreckage and had torn from my Emily.

"I told you," she said in a throaty whisper, "I won't break, Naomi. I want you. I want this." As my eyes found hers, the blackening desire within was matched by Emily's hands around my waist, pressing my own wet arousal against the rise of her thigh. "Make love to me, Naomi," she moaned, pulling me to her by the scruff of my neck until our lips were stealing us away from the world yet again. Her request echoed back in the back of my memory when she had bade the same thing to me after I had finally torn open my chest and born myself anew before Emily in front of everyone at Freddie's shed.

_She wants me...she's always wanted me...it's Emily...it' __**always **__been Emily..._

My hands were at Emily's command as they freed the beautiful woman beneath me of her bra and knickers, and her naked and wanting form was mine for the taking. With a lowered kiss, I held my breath as my fingers followed the lead of my tongue and both entered her at the exact same time. Sliding into the wetness, I released the breath I was holding with a mirrored moan from Emily whose hips began to immediately rock into my touch. Settling my hips atop my hand I used my own weight to bury myself deeper, and when our lips parted, I was met with an enthusiastic, "Fuck..." as one finger changed to two. Her eyes were open and wide as they latched into mine, setting every nerve ending in my own body ablaze as her dilating pupils drug us deeper into the welcoming abyss.

As her fingernails pressed into my neck and scalp, Emily brought her lips to my ear, her ragged breathing and soft moaning increased as I increased my thrusts. I wanted to drown in her in this storm. I wanted her voice to be the only orchestrations louder than the pounding hail, and as my fingers and hips claimed her harder and faster, I could feel my own body raging into a frenzy to the palpable sounds of "Oh...fuck...Naomi," It was far too soon for my hungry, insatiable appetite, when I heard, "Jesus...fuck...I-I'm going-I'm going to-"

"Emily," I echoed, the cadence of my voice breaking into a cry as I felt her clenching and tightening around me. Both our names became overlapping, swelling psalms as Emily's fingers slid down my skin with lightening speed, finding my center and taking me with a force so unhinged I was nearly struck deaf and dumb with the force of it. "Fuck!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, my body surging from the undeniable pleasure of riding this tidal wave with Emily now, as we both approached the edge. I had no idea how close I had been before she touched me and she commanded in my ear,

"Come with me, Naoms," My voice rose in a surge of high pitched, pleasurable exclamations of,

"Jesus...fuck...Emily...Jesus Christ, Ems...FUCK!" as with a final curl of my fingers, Emily was lost to my touch and as her hips shot up from the soaked stone beneath, it was all I needed to come after her. It was a long, slow ride down our bodies sporadically convulsed in aftershock, and if it were possible to physically glow from such beautiful exertion, I'm sure we were. As my senses slowly returned, I peered down into Emily's eyes and felt tears threaten to escape. It took me just a moment to realize why.

"What did you just call me?" I asked, feeling my upper arm start to shake just the slightest bit as we continued to hold ourselves together. Her brow furrowed as her chest rose and fell in continued, quick succession. Licking her lips, she cleared her throat and muttered in a post-sex haze,

"Naoms," she said with finality. Then as if a light bulb went off in her head, she added, "I called you that...didn't I?" My lips burst into a million watt smile as a short, jubilant laugh escaped them, and I didn't try to hold the tears back a moment longer as I captured my lips with hers.

"Yes, Emily," I answered, "yes you did..."


	15. 14: Kick Off The Covers I'm Waiting

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry its been such a long wait guys, RL has been kicking my ass this month, but I have something I'm proud of and ready to post at long last. I decided to split the original content of this chapter up, knowing if I didn't you guys probably wouldn't get anything until next month because of everything that has to happen before the finale. So yay, for an extra chapter I didn't plan on! Doubt any of you mind ;)**

**As always, read, review, enjoy, and I don't own "Skins" because if I did, I'd definitely be wearing more expensive shoes.**

**CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Kick Off The Covers, I'm Waiting**

"We are still pretty naked right now," Emily observed with a laugh as we collected the dryer items of clothes we still had left. I beat my coat against the stone landing, excavating large amounts of water. My top wasn't terribly soaked, but everything else? Well...

"Didn't you have a bag," I remarked, wringing out my sleeve. Emily's eyes became saucers as she poked her head over the edge of the gazebo wall. Several feet away, her bag was getting assaulted by the downpour.

"Shit," she groaned, turning back and leaning against the tiny wall. "Shit!" Patting her leg affectionately, I glanced around the corner opening of the gazebo. Leaning forward, I bit my lip as I judged the distance. "Wait, Naomi, what're you-" Before she could finish her sentence, I darted into the storm shrieking every puddled step of the way, my feet squishing and wringing in the thick mud before I eventually reached her bag. One tug revealed it was far heavier than it looked. Wrapping both my hands around the cloth handle and yanked and hoisted it over my shoulder. The additional awkward weight, slowed me down, but I ran back as quickly as I could manage, nearly losing my footing more than once. A few near-death moments later, stepping into the gazebo utterly worse for wear, I flopped the bag to the ground with a large thud. Instantaneously, Emily intercepted my entrance by happily flinging her arms around my neck and an applied an appreciative press against my lips.

"I-you-you're fucking-"

"Wonderful? Mint? Hot Shit in bed?"

"Brave," Emily finished. My face momentarily fell as I did my best to stifle an uncomfortable laugh at Emily's word choice.

_ShitEmily..._

Almost immediately, she continued with a smile, "You could've fell on your arse and we both know how keen I'd be on hauling your half broken body to the hospital." She playfully slapped my arm as I lightly shook my head from side to side.

_Just go along with it...she doesn't understand..._

Kneeling down and unzipping her back, Emily reached deep into her bag, shifting things around a bit before pulling out a some dry clothes from within the bag's confines. "These here in the middle are fine actually," she informed, "I think I might have some shorts in here, you'd probably flood my trousers." With a wicked glint in my eye, I sat beside her. Leaning in close to her ear, I ran my finger playfully down the bridge of her nose.

"Did that already," I muttered with a coy little laugh.

In an attempt to hide the immediate flush in her cheeks, Emily lightly popped me in the face with a thin jumper and a pair of shorts, a blushing laugh was muffled into my ear. Quite pleased with myself I stood and returned the favor by slowly slipping the new clothing over my body. Emily didn't take her eyes off me. And I just stared right back. With a coy smile I squeezed the slightly tight jumper over my head, cocking my eyebrow up a bit when I caught Emily staring at how accentuated my tits now appeared to be. "Perv," I mouthed, picking up the remainder of my wet clothes from the stone floor.

"You liked it," Emily insisted.

"I did." Picking up the last of our rain soaked things, I placed them in a semi-neat pile beside Emily's bag. "Are they now casualties of war, or do we have something to put them in?" Emily reached into her bag and pulled out an even smaller traveler. "Jesus how many compartments does that thing have."

"I might've knicked it from Katie," Emily admitted with a mischevious grin as went to all fours from her kneeling position and reached for our damp things. My aforementioned suggestion rewarded me a nice view of Emily's arse, the bottom of the cheeks barely poking out below the lining of her knickers. "Stop perving," she remarked as she picked up her tights and shoved them in the bag. Cocking my head to the side, I smiled as I whispered, quietly so only I would hear it,

"Your body ain't that special." Slipping on the shorts Emily had handed me, _oof! tighter than they look_!, I folded my arms over my chest so an indignant, saucy smirk would be the first thing Emily saw when her attention finally returned to me. I'd meant to come off as somewhat alluring, so of course...she giggled. "What?" I demanded indignantly, not approving of the dethroning of my suave stance by the look on Emily's overly amused face.

"You look like you raided Tom Thumb's wardrobe," she replied through a laugh, zipping up the smaller bag and tossing it atop the larger one.

"Is it my fault you're no bigger than a floor tack?" I shot back, my own lips curling into my pleasingly satisfactory come back. Standing, Emily quickly closed the distance betwen us as she wrapped her arms around me and nuzzled into my shoulder. Tiny kisses were immediately applied to my exposed collar bone.

"You were saying?" A whisper of a laugh escaped my lips as my gaze flickered amongst my hazy surroundings. The meadow was now visible through the letting up of the rain, and I couldn't help but want another cloud break to unleash...just so I could keep us captive here...in our private gazebo in our own little corner of Bristol...

"Bi-polar Bristol weather," I sighed, squeezing Emily a little tighter. Popping her head up, Emily elevated onto her tip toes to peer over my shoulder. Her hands slowly ran up my spine, stroking up an invisible line from my lower back up to my shoulders. The moderate press released a contented sigh from my lips as my lover's words whispered into my ear,

"So...what do we do now?" As I opened my mouth to answer, my phone vibrated against my leg. Dodging the question momentarily, I reluctantly removed myself from the red-head's arms, but kept our fingers intertwined as I read the message from Effy.

**You've got mail.**

As I re-read each of the three words over and over again in succession, I felt Emily's fingers drape tip to palm across my shoulder. "All right?" she asked, clearly taking note of the funny expression etching into my brow. As I pocketed the phone, I did my best to smile at her as old words flitted into my head...

_You know that's the first time you've asked me something_

_What, today?_

_Ever._

_Well, answer it then...you all right_?

"Have fun?" I countered in an effort to lighten the onset of a somber mood. The twinkle in Emily's eyes suddenly faded as her hand removed itself. Releasing me from her arms entirely, she took a step back and folded her arms, and I could feel my stomach cycle up into my throat.

_Was it something I said?_

"What sort of bullshit question is that?"

_Yep. _

The annoyance in her tone was palpable. "That's what this was to you? A bit of fun?" Biting my tongue, I sighed and reminded myself I had just put my foot in it and had no right to be cross with her indignation. Still...

"No!" I very nearly shouted,

_Calm the fuck down..._

"I mean...of course not."

_Better..._

Emily was practically chewing a hole in the side of her lip while her fingers drummed lightly on her upper arms. Exhaling my own exacerbated sigh, I groaned, "For fuck's sake." Reaching for her, I wrapped my hands around Emily's arms, and pulled her to meet my lips in an instantly deep and proper kiss...the way Emily Fitch always deserved to be kissed. My lips pressed and massaged for a few seconds before I felt Emily's hands shift from around herself and make their way around my waste. I smiled into the next kiss, feeling like I'd successfully proved my point, but when I opened my eyes and slowly settled out of the kiss, I noted the concern still laden in Emily's eyes and brow.

"What did that message say?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

_Always were so suspicious, Em._

Taking Emily's hand in mine, I rubbed my thumb tenderly over the top of it as I did my best to smile. "Shall we go back to mine?" I offered. I brought my fingers back up to Emily's porcelain cheeks, tracing the outline of her eyes to her lips with a feather light touch. She closed her eyes at the softening contact and when they opened again they were brighter than moments before. With an adorable little sway of her hips, Emily's pinkie found it's way into mine as she nodded her reply.

After Emily's bag was sorted, I rescued my bike from the mud puddle it had been trapped in. I wiped the seat as clean as I could with nothing more than the hem of my shirt and with a bit of effort on my part, we slowly made our way toward the main road. The tire needed need to clean itself a bit before we could ride on it properly back to my flat, so we silently strolled. Emily glanced over at me every few seconds, clearly trying to deduce how best to make physical contact without hindering my efforts. As we reached the stop sign at the top of the hill, Emily's hand wrapped around the crook of my elbow. I looked down at the embrace and smiled.

"Is it because I couldn't make up my mind?" she asked, her sweet, deep voice seeming to come from out of the blue. I glanced out of my peripherals and seeing her lick her lips, immediately wanted to kiss them. "I know I was taking my royal fucking time trying to...work through everything. Gave you fucked up signals in the meantime. Is...is that why you didn't initially ask me to stay?"

"So, we're having this conversation," I said, pushing the bike forward once the four way stop was clear.

"Think it bears having," Emily replied, giving my arm just the tiniest squeeze as our feet found a tandem beat.

I stared down at the pavement for a few more steps before stopping and leaning my bike against a nearby bench. Slowly, I turned to Emily. Her frame was so small. Her hair was matted by the rain and her mascara was thick along the bottoms of her eyes. But to me...she was breathtaking. I draped my pinky finger with hers. It swayed back and forth. Choosing my words carefully, I said, "I was certain I had already lived through the worst summer of my life. Then the accident happened." A ghost of a laugh tripped from my tongue. Dramatic irony was a bitch. "Just when you think you've lived through the hard you find out there's a harder." My hands draped over Emily's cheeks as my thumbs lightly stroked the skin beneath. Her hands wrapped gently around my wrists as she smiled. "I wanted you then...now...as long as you still look at me this way." With a hairbreadth of a smile, Emily replied in a voice so deep it was like she'd wrapped my ears in purple velvet,

"I can't take my eyes off you."

Emily had kissed me on countless occasions in the last two years. Some bread of want, some of need, some of hurt, some of anger, some of jealousy, all of passion. The way she kissed me now...put all the rest to shame.

I had very nearly forgotten about Effy's cryptic text, and it wasn't until we entered my flat and I saw the package sitting atop my counter that the light butterflies in my stomach were replaced by slowly dropping boulder. I stopped just inside the doorway, causing a hot on my heels Emily to nearly trip over the mat as she entered, fingers playfully stroking my sides and giggling. At the abrupt halt, she asked what was wrong, and an instant,

"Nothing," spilled out of my mouth. Turning to her I forced a smile and suggested, "Think I'd like some tea." The lie seemed to momentarily appease her as Emily gave my arm a gentle brush before disappearing into the kitchen. Placing my house keys atop the same tabletop where the thick manila package resided, I stared at my name drawn across it in black marker. The thickness was very unusual considering Matt had only been sending me singular pieces of paper before.

_What the fuck?_

Picking up the packet, I tore open the end, and reached in to remove it's contents. My fingers wrapped around a somewhat cold, metal object. A small black strap was the girl thing to fall from the envelope, but when a small shimmer of light reflected on glass I dropped the package entirely, my hands beginning to shake during it's quick descent to the table. Luckily, Emily was clanging about in the kitchen, so my moment of horror was obscured by her lightly humming away as she clanked on with the kettle. Once it made contact with the table, a tiny piece of white paper fell atop the demolished band. From where it rested on the desk I could see it read, "Go to Photos." The handwriting was his. I steeled my nerves and reached back into the package. Feeling my hands clamp down over a smaller object, I removed a tiny flat screen phone and slid open to the first menu. "Jesus...fucking...," I whispered as opened the photo sharing file.

My heart stopped. I was certain of it. I couldn't breathe. All I could do was scan from one photo to the next. Most were taken from a distance and were out of focus...but they all hand the same subject: Emily. There were at least ten separate photos and my head slowly began to shake back and forth until I got to the final entry. I had no legs, someone had literally stolen my legs from under me because the next thing I was crumbled on the floor. I heard Emily coming into the hallway and immediately stuffed the phone into my pocket.

"Naoms, you ok?" she asked. I had to use the wall to get myself into a standing position, but eventually I was on my feet. I opened my mouth to answer her, but it was apparently not soon enough because by the time I was upright she'd fully rounded me and was beckoning an answer, "Naoms..." My bottom lip began to tremble, releasing the tiniest squeak of a cry, as I raised my wrist to cover my mouth. I tried to find the right words to say to her, there eyes aligned to mine, and as she turned to glance down at the newly made mess atop the table, my voice found me again,

"Tea," I insisted, wrapping my hand around Emily's wrist and pulling us from the hallway into the kitchen.

Fumbling about, I searched for the little tea plates mum had bought a few weeks ago. "Where are-where did she put-" I scrambled around, throwing open cabinets, leaving them open. "Why can't I find those plates."

"Naomi," Emily interjected, her slightly confused voice echoed from behind the table, "I've already set out-"

"No, Emily the plates, the little pink plates mum has I need to find-" reaching into the sink, I pulled out some dirty saucers and knives, "-fucking cow never cleans these things. You'd think she could-"

"Naomi," Emily repeated, a bit firmer this time. She'd used her words to cross my side. When a frustrated glare met her, she merely began to lightly stroke my arm. "What is it? Why're you suddenly so-"

"I'm fine," I interrupted, trying harder than was my usual to keep my voice even, "I'm just frustrated because I can't find those plates and they're what we need to have our tea on and it's just...I need to find-" The whistling kettle broke through my blabbering. Lifting it off the iron eye, I forgot my hand was still caked in suds and the handle slipped through my hand. Hot water splashed everywhere with a loud 'clang!', burning my upper arm. "Shit!" I swore loudly, and wiping away at the scalding liquid. "Shitshitshitshit!"

"Here." Emily grabbed my uninjured hand, flipped on the cold water, and stuck my wound under the faucet. The burn continued to sting for a few moments but eventually the cold water had it's reversing effect. On my arm and on my previously growing temper.

"Shit," I grumbled again as I watched the clear stream pelt my pinkening skin.

"Keep it there," Emily insisted. A few seconds later, I heard the freezer open followed by Emily removing my arm from the spray and dabbing it lightly with a towel. Once it was dry, she rested a newly made ice pack against my skin, wrapping it in the beige fabric she had just used to dry me off. As she tenderly attended to my arm, the sting and shock from the package began to quell in the pit of my stomach. I was getting lightheaded again. Clutching the side of the counter to steady myself, I mumbled,

"Guess I burned myself worse than I thought." I had to swallow a few times before I could meet Emily's concerned gaze.

"Naomi, what's wrong?" she asked again. A shift of the ice hit a particularly sensitive area, causing me to wince and momentarily fight Emily's firm but gentle grasp. Muttering "Sorry," she readjusted the placement. We stood in silence for a few moments before I finally added,

"Me too...about the water and...freak out over the um...the plates I'm just...I think I need to get washed up." I placed a chaste kiss atop Emily's head and without waiting for a reaction, traipsed out of the kitchen, slowly tearing off each piece of undersized clothing as I went. I grabbed the envelope from the table and when I passed my room, stuffed it into my knicker drawer before heading into the loo.

Turning the water on, I stepped into the shower, not even bothering to adjust the temperature. It went quickly from lukewarm to cool as I stood beneath the spray and let it hit my face while I scrubbed my body vigorously with my hands and the bar soap. My mind was running a fucking horse race.

_It's a threat. Obviously. And it doesn't have anything to do with me. It has everything to do with Emily. And it's evident...it always has...so...what do I do? If I go to the police, I reopen the case against Sophia. If they find out I was the one who bought the drugs from Cook, then what? I go away and Emily is left helpless with Matt. Do I tell Katie? Effy? What more could they do? It'd only put them in harm's way. Maybe I could tell mum but...what if Matt goes after her next? What does he want? Revenge? I can't change it. I can't change the fact Sophia fell in love with me. I've wished every day to wake up and let things be different, for it all to change. For Emily to not just forgive me...but to forget it fucking happened...and I fucking got what I asked for...I was just starting to get her back...again...I can't...if I lose her I won't be able to-_

"Naomi," a soft voice announced. I wiped at the tears that had fallen down my cheeks, and pulled the curtain back just the tiniest bit and nearly choked on the water still beating against my collar bone and throat at what I saw. Emily stood before me, not a stitch of clothes on, her hands lightly draping across her chest, her legs lightly bent at the hip.

"Hi," I said with a small smile, beckoning her to me with an extension of my hand. Her coy smile grew as she stepped over the porcelain to join me in the tiny confines of the shower. The minute her bare skin touched mine, my arms enveloped her, pulling her close. The water smattered my back, ricocheting down to Emily. She held me silently for several seconds, but after a bit she began to shiver. "Sorry," I mumbled, reaching behind me to turn the head up to a warmer temperature. A tiny spray hit Emily in the eyes and she wiped the droplets away as she giggled,

"So, why are you up here taking a cold shower instead of having tea with me?" she asked, running her hands up and down my forearms, causing them goosebumps to rise at the contact. "I hadn't even had the chance to make you need one." Her cheeky smile tipped the upper corner of her lips, but I could see the trepidation in her eyes.

_Fuck you, Naomi..._

"S-sorry," I stammered, caressing her cheek with the back of my fingers, "everything's fine." Leaning in for a kiss, I was surprised when her head bobbed back just out of contact's reach.

"What was in the package, Naomi?" Clearing my throat I replied,

"Someone's idea of a fucking dirty prank." I forced a smile which only pushed the concern from Emily's eyes to a frown.

"Pretty shitty prank to get you all worked up like this." Her words were laced with such a leveling concern that they hit my heart like a sledgehammer. I needed her to hold me again. A little too roughly this time, I yanked Emily back into my arms, practically knocking the wind out of us both. "Hey, hey," Emily soothed, rubbing her hands along my lower back. "It's ok." She kissed my collar bone. "Don't worry...it's ok..."

_It's not fine...nothing right now is fine...I'm so scared, Ems...I'm scared and I don't know what to do...I tell you everything...and now I can't say anything...and I-_

Reaching for her lips, I kissed them in a wave of passion, weakness, and ferocity. "I can't stand it," I whispered amongst breathes, "I just can't..."

"It's ok..." she replied. She kissed me back even harder. "It's ok..." she insisted, pushing me back against the wall of the shower, insistent but still somehow gentle. The lukewarm water rained down on us. Hungry kisses continued to build, broken apart only to come up for air occasionally, to immediately return with an insatiably growing passion.

When Emily's fingertips grazed the inside of my leg, I didn't pull away or try and stop her. She'd always known what she wanted, and right now...I needed her to want me. With each ascending touch, my panicked mind and worried heart shut down. I had kept my eyes firmly shut, so I when there was a pause, I didn't know if she was changing her mind or merely asking for permission. I felt her ragged breath against my parted lips which were now tingling with as much anticipation as my increasingly wet center. "Emily," I whispered, before she captured my lips yet again and claimed what was hers by sliding inside me with a force far more intense than she'd ever used with me. The momentum drove me upward, as my head slammed into the linoleum tile. My hands flung to either side, knowing they'd never find anything firm to hold onto, but the action was so insistent, my body had no other way of reacting. My eyes had shot open, and what I saw looking back at me...were pleading eyes...eyes begging me to see her...to be nowhere else but right here in this moment.

With a curl of her fingers, my hips bucked against Emily's abdomen as my arms clapped around her wet shoulders. As she began her rhythm, I granted her further access by wrapping my leg around her hips, moaning loudly as one finger immediately went from two, and then three. She will filling me entirely, fucking me to break the band, and to break my heart.

"Fuck, Em," I groaned, roughly grasping and tugging her hair as she continued to thrust in and out of me, her breathing coming out in fast exhales. My lower back was taking a beating ,but I wanted more or her, I wanted her harder, faster, deeper. "I want to scream your name," I begged through a high-pitched moan.

"Fuck," her voice quaked at the request. She buried into my shoulder, kissing and biting at the skin beneath. Her pace increased and I felt myself climbing higher and higher with each insisting pump of Emily's hand. It wasn't long before my hips and her hand were frenzied, rhythm forgotten, only seeking powerful release. My fingernails clawed across Emily's shoulders as I bit my bottom lip, hearing her moan appreciatively as I felt the familiar sensation begin to shake through the lower half of my body. With a final thrust, Emily pushed me over the edge, and I cried her name out as I came, my body shaking with the force of my climax, and I was pressed even tighter against the wall to keep us upright.

_I could lose everything else in this world...but if I never got to feel her inside me again...I don't know how I'd survive..._

As my vision returned to me, I felt Emily's chest press tightly against mine in rapid succession, and amongst the clambering of the faucet head I heard quiet sobs against me.

_She's crying...Emily's crying..._

Panic settling into my heart yet again, of a different variety, I gently ran my finger under her chin. "Em...what is it?" Her eyes slowly rose to mine as her body started to tremble lightly. I gingerly removed her hand from within me and guided it under the spray. She watched as I washed her fingers clean. After I finished, I reached for the shampoo bottle and squeezed a bit in my hand. Working it through my fingers, I lightly ran the subtly scented liquid through Emily's hair, lightly massaging her scalp. I silently continued until it was clean, and as she rinsed the suds from atop her head, I instinctively reached for the loofah and Emily's liquid soap. Rethinking, I put it down and reached for the more generic bottle of Ivory and soaped the sponge. Once her hair was shampoo free, I brought the loofah across Emily's chest.

I rubbed the loofah across her arms and back, around to her lower stomach, and when I had to, knelt to my knees to clean her legs and feet. Lastly, I took her hands in mine I scrubbed and massaged each hand from palm to fingertip, lightly kissing each knuckle as it was rid of the soap. Once she was rinsed clean, Emily's arms settled around my waist. She looked up at me and her mouth fell open just the tiniest bit as her chest rose and fell in quick succession, "Naomi..." she began, I felt her hands twitch against my lower back as she struggled for the next few words...words I hoped...I wanted her to say..."I-I lo-" my heart stopped and time froze, again with the tropey cliches, as she cleared her throat, and licked her lips before burying her head back against my neck and breathing heavily, "I lost control just then...I-I hope I didn't hurt you."

_Oh..._

"No, Emily," I replied with a dejected sigh. "You didn't hurt me." She shifted a bit in my arms as I rested my hand against the back of her head and placed a kiss in her hair.

"Guess you've got to sort this..." she squeezed tighter "...haven't you..."

"Emily-," I began in a whisper, running my hand across the top of her head, wondering if I could disclose any of my fears...tell her of my worry...of my...returning panic... "I...yes...yes I do."

Switching the water off, we both stepped out of the shower. I pulled my towel down from the counter and wrapped it around us both. Emily had been sure to purchase an extra large one with this very act in mind, and had said as much at the time. We dried each other off, Emily taking a small moment to say, "Looks like someone likes to share."

"Occasionally," I replied with a small smile, exiting the bathroom to leave Emily to get changed. Crossing the landing into my bedroom, I syphened through the clothes Emily had let me borrow and placed them in a bag to be washed later. Now that the foggy love haze had faded, everything was coming back to me in a sickening wave. It was exhausting getting dressed, each action required far too much energy. Eventually I'd managed to slip on a white vest and shorts, and rewarded myself by slumping down on the bed. I'd tossed the horrid phone Matt had sent me on Emily's side of the bed without thinking. The same sickening bile that had plagued my body only an hour threatened to choke me yet again as I scrambled without a shred of grace to where the phone lay on the covers and yanked it from the violated residence. Once it was in my hand, I began to squeeze. I wanted to purge the fucking thing of it's contents. To erase what this sonuvabitch had done to my-

"Hi," Emily whispered from the doorway. Releasing my grip, I turned and slowly stood, and once she was within fingertips reach, brought Emily the closing distance into my embrace. She smelt different.

"Will you come by...once everything's-" I nodded against her cheek.

"Yeah, yeah I will," I assured her, my fingers lightly gripping the base of her jumper as her arms tightened around my neck.

_She knows something's wrong...and I can't ease her mind...Emily...I don't know what to do..._

Pulling away all too soon, her lips wrapped over mine like a soothing fleece blanket, instantly warm in their press, without seeking to deepen it's action or ask for more.

_If I had just been willing to let you in...could we have had this sooner?_

"See you," Emily said, giving my light hand a squeeze. I watched her turn. I watched her disappear down the stairs. I listened to the creak of the floorboards below. And I released a held in sob once the door closed.

_That's not how this should've ended..._

Slumping down on the duvet, I allowed myself a few minutes to just...feel everything. With each falling tear, I was reminded of a very simple fact: I had my Emily back...but what was it going to cost me...

Scrolling through my phone, I highlighted Effy's name. I didn't want to be alone to try and figure this out, but I'd already asked so much from her. And she'd been there. Surprisingly. Even Effy Stonem needed to be needed. Staring at the name...I knew it wasn't Effy who could help me...not with this...and now there was a new feeling of sick in my stomach. Guiding the cursor down through to the "L's" I highlighted her name and opened a new texting window.

**Effy says you might be able to help me.**

I waited a few seconds. My phone went off.

**Thought you'd never ask, Blondie. **

**Where can I meet you? Not here. Not your place. Somewhere he won't be able to find us. **

When my phone vibrated this time there was an address. I recognized the street and knew I'd have to bike through some pretty dodgy avenues.

_Maybe I'll just take the bus...even if it isn't very far..._

My phone vibrated again.

**I'm busy tonight. Tomorrow.**

**Fine.**

Groaning, I slammed my phone against the dresser, and feeling a lump under my arse, pulled out the one Matt had sent me. With trembling trepidation, I began scrolling through the pictures and landed on the one that had nearly given me a fucking heart attack. The image was slightly blurred because there wasn't a lot of light. It was clearly waning in the afternoon, but she still looked as beautiful as ever...even if she were in a coma. "You were there..." I growled under my breath, as I looked at the picture again, and this time I wasn't met with shock...fear...I was bordering on rage... "...fucker..."


	16. 15: No Need To Worry, That

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hopefully this chapter is coherant and you learn a bit more about the twist in this plot while still being curious as to everyone's motivations and what is yet to come in the final future chapters. Three more after this one...hard to believe we're this close to the end...**

**Please read, review, enjoy!**

**CHAPTER FIFTEEN: No Need To Worry, That's Wasting Time**

Based on what little I knew about the surrounding port area, I had expected to walk up to some sort of indie coffee shop, or perhaps a dodgy night club. I hated the dodgy side of Bristol. I hadn't been here since the beginning of third year which...needless to say...hadn't ended all too well. A few miles from here, Cook had managed to get us fucked in with some mob boss something or other...I hadn't been paying too much attention. I was more concerned over the fact I had a bag full of spliff and Emily's glistening eyes following me about half the night. At the time I convinced myself I was annoyed with her attention. Really? I was annoyed I hadn't kissed her when she fucking told me to. Damn good reason to avoid the venue altogether after that. Had no idea there were flats on this side of the bay. Never expected to find Lana here.

Pulling my cell from my pocket to message her which of the six flats in front of me were hers, I was met by my lit screen informing me I had a text from Emily.

_Funny...didn't feel my phone go off...must've happened while I was peddling... _

**Katie and mum are at the boutique. Place is quiet. **

My heart sank a bit out of guilt as I read the words. We'd texted back and forth since she left yesterday...way into the night in fact. She'd asked me every ten minutes if I was all right. I had to keep insisting I would be...she shouldn't worry.

_**Not easy when you're all I think about**_, she'd replied. That's the one I stared at the longest before falling asleep last night.

Swiping my fingers swiftly across the keys, I replied,

_I'll see if I can't come around later._

Once I had responded to Emily I typed a message to Lana letting her now I was on her street. As I waited for a reply, from either or both, my gaze slowly traced up and down the abandoned streets. The dock bell chiming echoing from far off triggered my memory to a day which unbeknownst to Emily at the time...changed everything for me. Emily had chased me down the boardwalk, the wind fighting against her red jumper as I turned over my shoulder to glare at her as she called my name. Why was I always fucking glaring at her?

_Where're you going?_

_Home._

_Don't go._

_Why not?_

_I don't know. Because-_

_Why does your sister think I'm gay_.

I'd said it as a statement. I'd known Emily wasn't ready to admit why out loud just yet. But even then...I couldn't bring myself to tell Katie or anyone the truth...it wasn't my truth to tell. Even if it meant everyone else thought of me...differently. It was the day I realized...I didn't care what the rest of them thought anymore...deep down, amongst my daily will to fight against it...all that mattered...was how Emily made me-

My phone vibrated in my palm and I smiled once I opened the latest message.

**You can head on over, but you'll be coming when I say.**

A slight blush crept into my cheeks as I sent back,

**Perv.**

My phone vibrated again, with the number 201 in the inbox. Approaching the stoop with the matching number, I pressed the buzzer adjacent to the bottom of the steps. After a few seconds Lana's voice croaked through the speaker, "Up and up, Blondie."

With a light tug on the handle the door opened, allowing access to dimly lit hallway. Glancing up the staircase, there was only one available flat to head up to, the rest having been marked off or under construction. Climbing the staircase in the darkened corridor, I placed each foot on the wooden steps carefully. Out of sheer disgust, I refused to touch the banister as I climbed toward the worn wooden door.

Before I could wrap my fingers around the metal door knocker, the creaking floorboard beneath me heralded my presence. The door cracked open, a sliver of light from inside silhouetted a Lana's partial frame just inside. As I opened my mouth to say hello, she disappeared into the apartment, leaving the door ajar. Wrapping my hand around the doorknob, I slowly made my way into the disheveled flat.

The walls were bare and brandishing water stains like a teenager's room boasted band posters. A green plether sofa with a long gash in one of the cushions sat off to one side in what I assumed to be a sitting room. Against the wall adjacent to the sofa was a large boxed telly turned on to white static which pilfered in strobes across the room. I didn't glare glance at the condition of the floor, only thanked fuck I remembered to wear my trainers instead of my sandals because there was no goddamn telling what I'd end up stepping in. It wasn't that my own flat hadn't been a raucous mess at times, particularly during mum's Bob Marley One Love communal living phase, but this shit was almost obscene. It tugged at my heart a bit. The way she talked about her intercontinental conquests, I'd always assumed Lana spent her time couch hopping from one place to the next never really landing any place solid. With a swaggering sway of her hips, the clichéd colonial appeared around the kitchen island corner, practically waltzing in, two beer bottles in hand with nothing more than a cropped vest and shorts to cover her alabaster skin. Holding them up with a thousand watt smile as a fag dangled from her lips she boasted, "Pilsner or Lager, Blondie?" Licking my lips at the prospect, I shook my head against my innate desire to join in. Didn't really trust the company with the contents an open container.

"Never pegged you'd own a flat, Lana. Miss Bohemia and all that shit." Lana's laugh was hollow as she sat at the rounded kitchenette table and propped her bare feet atop the unfinished wood.

"That's because any and all interactions until recently have been centered around you bemoaning the tragic fact your girlfriend was fucked off in France." Plopping down into the chair just opposite hers, I added with an annoyed smirk,

"Or you trying and failing to get into my knickers." Reaching into her shorts and pulling a pack out of her back pocket Lana removed a fag and lit with a tiny purple lighter. Popping open her beer, she leaned back in her chair, her feet pushing forward just the tiniest bit as she did so. I did my best not to notice the black gunk beneath the toenails.

"Well your didn't run for American apple pie...but for blue cadet spats..." My eyes narrowed as she exhaled a puff of smoke and cocked a half-sured grin. As I watched her take a swig from the brown bottle, my lips narrowed into a thin line.

"Someone is stalking Emily." Reaching into my bag, I yanked out the manila envelope which held Emily's goggled and the phone. Tossing the package across the table, it landed just in front of her, causing her to nearly spill her beer, her quick fingers forced to rebalance the bottle at the very last second. She glanced down at the package and then slowly back up at me. Her thumb lightly tapped the top of her bottle for a few seconds before her feet swiped off the table and curled beneath her. The rustle of the package echoed with an unnerving reverberation as she removed the contents quietly, examining the goggles for only a few seconds before going straight for the phone. She looked at the first picture, took a drag from the fag still dangling in her mouth, exhaled, and brought her fingers down to click to the next shot. This went on for a few minutes before my boiling patience hit a spike and I spat,

"Fuck's sake, can you help me or not Lana." Placing the fag onto the table, leaving it to ash where it sat, she took a large long guzzle of her beer, keeping her eyes glued to the phone as if she hadn't heard me at all. Once she swallowed, she wiped the corners of her mouth and brought her eyes back up to mine. She held the phone up so I could see it, leaving it on a photo of Emily sitting on the front steps of Roundview. Pandora was beside her in the photo, talking animatedly about something while Emily's attention clearly appeared to be elsewhere.

"Have you looked at the dates on this thing?" she asked, pointing to the little red date corner of the photo. She handed the phone back to me, and I began flipping through each individual picture for the first time paying attention to the numbers. They went back to as far as,

"This first one was right after we broke up. I mean-we-hit our rough patch." A ringing in my ears filtered through my mind as I licked my lips, my own words making me shift uncomfortably in the chair.

_How long have you been up to this, Matt?_

"Is what Effy told me true? Did you cheat on your girl?" The question was almost dead pan in it's delivery as she mashed out the butt of her fag in a particularly blackened hole in the center of the table. Pulling out another one to light she extended the pack toward me.

"I don't smoke menthols," I replied with a short smile. Her lips wrapped around the butt as the lit end crackled and she took a hard drag. Breaking the pulsing silence I finally answered, "Why should I tell you anything about Emily and I?" Lana's eyes narrowed. I'd never seen them as anything other than shining brass balls...so the glare was more than mildly intimidating.

"Matty boy is missing a few aces in his deck, and after what I did to Emily I can only guess you're here because those pictures and that pair of busted up goggles are scaring the shit out of you," she said, her voice coming out much softer than the anticipated wind up. "Has he sent you anything else?" Shrugging my shoulders I added,

"A few pictures from a scrapbook Sophia made."

Lana took another long drag, nearly extinguishing the cancerous stick completely, and her voice was shrouded in smoke as she said, "Naomi if you want my help then I need to know..." her breath pushed the rest of the smoke from her lungs as her pensive eyes bore down into mine, "...did you really fuck Sophia?" I inhaled and held it. Biting the inside of my lip, I slowly released. The sensation spun my head. All of my senses tingled as if on hyperdrive. I could hear the television fizzing in the background against the churning flush of the loo from the upstairs flat in meticulous detail. Crossing my arms and legs as I slumped back against the creaking wood of the chair.

"Yes." Twirling her cigarette in her hand, Lana stared me up and down. There was another flush of the upstairs loo. Any second now I was expecting the usual, "Why?" or "That was fucking careless," or...

"How was it?"

The question took me threw me off I had to actually lean against the sticky table not caring enough to recoiled at the sticky contact. "I'm sorry...what?" As if she were speaking to a deaf mute, she spoke deliberately, her wide mouth exaggerating each curvature of the words on her lips.

"How. Was. It." I clenched my fists under the table to refrain from reaching across and clawing Lana's eyes out at her condescending reiteration.

"It's none of your goddamn business."

"What was it like...fucking her..." This time, she wasn't mocking me. She genuinely wanted to know. "...how did it make you feel?" Her mouth twitched as she said the word, 'feel,' and I started to get the feeling she already knew my answer. Deflecting, I released the tension in my fists and placed my hands folded in front of me on the table.

"Most people just ask me why." Her pointer finger circled the top of the bottle causing a slight echo to bounce out of it.

"I'm not your friend, so I don't care why," she said, a little too on the nose. Rolling my shoulders back, I picked a spot in my eye line just off her shoulder. My eyes flitted back and for the between that zeroed corner and those blank, light eyes. I'd never recounted any of this out loud...not even to Emily...

"It felt...isolating," I began in a whisper, keeping that point in my peripherals as I delivered that cold fact directly to her. My eyes sprang back to their safety area. "We went back to mine...I had smuggled her in one afternoon after a college open day. We were sitting on the couch. She'd been...crying talking about her family and her fear of coming out while being a cadet. All the things she'd undergone. I told her I understood...I told her I knew what it felt like to be trapped." I cleared my throat. "When I was looking at her...I wasn't seeing her. Not ever. I saw someone who wanted me. Wanted to kiss me. Wanted to fuck me. I saw someone who wanted me who wasn't Emily. And I thought...I so fucking stupidly thought that's what freedom felt like." I wasn't aware when the tears started but I had to sniffle to continue. "Her kiss felt...fine. It wasn't nice. It wasn't arousing it just...was. So I thought...maybe I needed more." I glanced over to see what Lana was doing. She'd continued drawing her same finger around the beer bottle rim, her face blank and unreadable. Looking up at me, her brow raised encouraging me to continue. I inhaled and held the breath for a solid three seconds before releasing it and continuing. "We didn't even take our clothes off. There was no fucking about, I didn't even see her tits. I just unzipped her pants and..." Another shaky breath as I wiped at the few tears on my cheeks. "I kept my head buried in her shoulder the whole time. My eyes were closed. I didn't even know why it was happening I just couldn't stop. I just kept hoping any second I'd start feeling like my old self. That I would be able to free myself of all the overwhelming emotions I felt for Emily all the time every single fucking second of my life." The click of a lighter brought my focus to the fag now lit in Lana's hand as she took a deep inhale. I closed my eyes for a moment as I continued with them shut, "When she came it was just...done. She cooed into my ear how amazing I was...," my voice startled me as I jumped just the tiniest bit at the sound of my own, sad laughter, "...sorry I...I don't know why that's funny. I guess because I couldn't help but think, 'I couldn't even look at you.' She...she wanted to hold me...she even tried to reciprocate but I just..." My eyes opened slowly. "...I couldn't have her in the house any longer. I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere and we ended up heading to the cinema. I sat through some bullshit foreign film I don't even remember the title to anymore. All I could do was sit in the dark...and quietly cry over the fact that the button nose of the little french woman reminded me of Emily's."

So that was it. That was my fucked up story about my fucking useless affair which had proven absolutely nothing more to me other than I was a fucking coward, an adulterous twat...and I had never wanted anyone other than Emily.

"Sophia really wasn't much of a bragger's tale when it came to a sexual romp," Lana said, her own eyes cast over to mine...which were now the size of saucers.

"What?" I gaped, my mouth parting as I felt my cheeks set aflame and my the blood rush from my head.

"I'm assuming Emily found out eventually." My head nodded up and down. "She didn't break it off though...you've said that." My head nodded again. Mashing the butt of her fag into the same hole in the table, Lana locked her eyes with mine, which were now azure in how crystalline they sparkled...as if there were icicles within them. I'd never noticed how striking they were. "I knew she killed herself over some girl...Effy failed to mention it was you." She gave me a weak smile. "Relax," she said, leaning back in her chair a bit. "Sophia had her problems, long before either of us came around, and I promise...no one knew that better than me..." Swallowing, I found my voice again,

"You dated Sophia." It wasn't a question. It was a revelation as to why the fuck I was here in the first place. Lana shrugged.

"Quid pro quo is only fair, Clarice." I stared at her, narrowing my eyes. "Fuck's sake, Naomi, read a book. Or watch the movie. Jodie Foster is fucking sexy as shit in that one...all dolled up in her power suit at shit." I rolled my eyes at her.

"I know what quid pro quo is, Lana. So you and I both fucked the same girl...so fucking what." Lana cleared her throat and leaned even further back into her chair, her ass had to easily been hovering on the edge at this point. Where I had been too emotional to look anywhere but directly at her, Lana's eyes never broke mine as her story came spilling out.

"Two years ago, I hit this town running hard. I've never had any trouble making friends and connections and within the first few days since setting foot in England, I'd already made my first runaround clan. I'd met them in a local gay bar. One night we hit this scene and...there was a particularly shy brunette in the corner. She had a shy but strong presence about her. After about four lines of the strongest cocaine I'd ever inhaled, I was quite pleased to see she had stayed throughout the night. She'd kept her distance from everyone else which was exactly how I liked them." Cocking her head to one side she glanced over at me, "Wouldn't you agree?" My eyes narrowed.

"She approached me actually." A small, distinctly proud smile crossed Lana's lips as she continued,

"Good." Readjusting in her seat yet again, she took another swallow of beer before continuing, "Anyway, a plus b was supposed to equal see you never but the next thing I know, my phone starts blowing up on me. Text message after text message. Phone call repeatedly. Eventually I agree to meet up just because...I was beginning to feel sorry for the poor thing. Let her down really easily. Help her understand the last thing I was was the commitment type. I don't do long term or copiously amorous get togethers. But there was just...something about...I can't even explain." It was the first time she hadn't looked at me during her entire confession. "She looked different in the light of day." But the lack of eye contact didn't last as she quickly made sure my attention hadn't drifted off somewhere, and when she came back her tone had the tiniest crack of a whispered vulnerability, "So I figured hey...maybe I'd been playing this whole thing wrong. Maybe I could..."

She cleared her throat, jutted her tongue out drawing it in a long wipe across her bottom teeth, her eyes analyzing her next phrase, "...so I tried. For the first time in my fucking life I tried to see what all the goddamn fuss was about. Relationships. Falling in love. But..it just...for whatever reason it never happened." Her fingers interlocked with one another for a brief second as she began to twist and twirl them in her palms. She examined each muscle movement with precision as she continued, "The harder I fought, the less sure I felt. Eventually Sophia could feel it to because she held on to me tighter than a goddamn python. I couldn't breathe. I felt...well I do believe the word you used was...trapped." My fingernails pressing painfully into my biceps the word landed like egg on my face. The fact Lana and I had this empathetic link in our past gave me no sense of relief. It sickened me. "So I went out. I partied. I slept around. I stopped returning her calls. Acted like she didn't exist. Matt tracked me down one day. Still no fucking idea how. Told me she hadn't come out of her room in three days. She wouldn't eat. Wouldn't talk to anybody. She just...lay there. I felt bad I did. Guilty." A visible shiver ran down her spine as her fingers clutched together, growing white as she continued, each word spoken as if it were being extracted through torture. "But he wasn't going to see that. I told him Sophia's bad mood wasn't my problem, I had no interest in being her girlfriend and she should get the fucking message."

Lana's eyes glazed over, the tips of her fingers whiter than snow from the blood which had drained in her almost shaking clasp...I had never seen anyone look so unnerved in my life. "It was like a switch, Naomi." I don't think I'd ever heard Lana call me by my real name. Her eyes glued to the table as her hand slowly reached up and clutched the fabric of her shirt collar. As if she were unveiling her most shameful secret, Lana she pulled down the fabric. Exposed against her skin was a long jagged pink scar right over her chest. The raised flesh stretched a solid six inches in the length, but what made my blood curdle were the tiny holed imprints along the skin...each connected with a tight dip in the scar...as if someone had tried to crudely hand sewn the wound themselves. My face twitched at the implication, realizing Lana must've done it herself. She'd been too terrified to even go to a hospital...

"He did that to you?" She nodded slowly.

"The day he tracked me down we were in a park. In plain view of people. That's how fucked up and fearless he was. The look in his eyes was the most...terrifying thing I'd ever seen...black...hollow...he'd made it his personal vendetta to make me pay for breaking his sister's heart. And to him...there wasn't a price high enough for me to pay..." Releasing her grip on her shirt sleeve, Lana turned her gaze back to me as I struggled to keep my lunch down at the pit of my stomach from the anxious fear threatening to corrode me from the inside. "Naomi...Matt was willing...to do this when his sister was alive. What the fuck do you think he's like now she's dead?"

My mind shot back to the rooftop of the night club nine months ago. I'd fought so goddamn hard to prevent any of that from happening, but by some fucked up bullshit laugh riot of cosmos, it all ended up biting me in the ass anyway. "If he's sending you these messages, if he's..targeting Emily..."

_That's a __**very specific **__word...that's a fucking __**terrifying **__word...is...is that what this is?_

"...who knows what kind of actual psychotic break he's had. He's thought this through. My guess is this phone is completely untraceable to him, and these envelopes? No address...hand delivered...probably won't find any goddamn fingerprints on any of it either the little shit."

"And I go to the police they'll reopen Sophia's case. They'll pin me back to the MDMA. They'll lock me up and have nothing to go after Matt with, and if I'm not there to protect Emily-" I cut myself off, holding my stomach as my head started to spin. I was breaking it all down aloud...something I hadn't really done before. I'd talked it out with Effy, I'd run it in my mind...but now...now this threat had life. And it was after my Emily. Lana's hands rubbed against her temples.

"And let me guess...you got pissed and destroyed the photos." My groan answered her question.

"Why didn't you report him after he attacked you!" My hand flew out to point at the part of Lana's shirt which hid the scar. "If you had just done that then y'know...maybe none of this would've happened. Maybe I wouldn't be here right now and I would've never met Sophia...and Matt wouldn't be stalking my girlfriend and...and I wouldn't have to-"

"You've already thought about it. Haven't you..." Her words chilled me to the bone and before I could think better of it, I stood, shouting,

"I promised her I wouldn't run! I swore!" Picking up her beer bottle and staring at the liquid as it swirled at the bottom, Lana's laden eyes traced over me with a symphony of sympathy. On some level...she'd been here before...with this decision...

My breath caught in my throat over the course of several inhales as my reality came crashing in around me. I slumped down into my chair with a broken whimper. I knew. In that moment...I knew...there was no fixing this so that I could...so Emily I could...The words felt like razor blades against my tongue as they tumbled out of my mouth, "But she doesn't remember," I whispered, a strange choking sound echoing in the back of my throat. "She doesn't remember...a thing..."

_All she knows is I've wanted to be near her...that I let her in..._

As Lana flipped through the rest of the pictures on the phone, Katie's words from a few weeks ago rang in my ear,

_Anytime she's ever been hurt, it's been because of you...You're dangerous for her Naomi. She can't think around you...She died because of you!_

I covered my face to repress a sob, and somewhere in the distance Lana's voice echoed to me, but I was too far into my head...I was spiraling...harder and faster than I ever had...because my hands were completely and utterly tied...

_I can't do this anymore. Emily...I'm sorry...I'm so so sorry..._

Standing, I grabbed the phone out of Lana's hand, and spun out of the chair, making my way toward the door. "Naomi! Naomi, wait where're you going!"

"Thanks, Lana," said threw over my shoulder as I stormed out of the apartment. I flew down the stairs and out onto the front stoop. I was certain I was going to collapse. Bending over, I put my head between my knees to try and regain control of my breathing.

It was all hitting me in one tragic moment. I would never be able to escape what I had done. The consequences I had never counted on were coming back, and not to exact revenge on me...oh no. The blood it wanted was sweeter. Purer. Blind, raging grief wanted to consume the one person in this world I loved more than myself. Giving way to the rising ache in my chest, I slumped down against the pavement, covering my head in my hands as I sobbed...out in the open...in public...for the whole goddamn world to take the piss out of. I hadn't wanted to believe what Katie told me was true. But clearly...it was. And there was only one option...Matt had seen to it I was left with one choice...and one choice alone. And the very thought made each sob break out even harder through every pore in my skin.

When I was certain I could stand, I found my legs again and walked my bike back to my flat. I had no idea what time it was. I had no idea where mum had been...she'd said something a few days ago about some sort of trip for animal conservation. Apparently that's why the place had been quiet for days on end. It didn't matter. As I stood in the hallway, my swollen and puffy eyes taking in everything around me, I was left with newly etched memories. As if the ones which had already resided here weren't painful enough. I shut my eyes tightly, not wanting to be here, not wanting to see any of it. Wishing and hoping when I opened them I would be somewhere new, someplace happy...with my Emily. Just the two of us. Off on some adventure kissing against a sunset backdrop.

_Just the two of us..._

It's fucking cruel the way fate works sometimes. Right in that moment, I glanced over to the bookshelf and found the road map to Mexico. And I knew what was inside. Two tickets to Goa. A trip still planned, a flight still waiting to depart in only a matter of weeks. Right before the fall term began. I walked over to the black stained wood and gently traced my fingers along the glossy spine of the map booklet. Reaching into my pocket, I slowly removed my phone...scrolled to the "E's." Once the message was typed, I stared at it long and hard.

**Ever fancy a trip to Mexico.**

And then I stared at the contact for even longer, the lump in my throat threatening to choke me at any given moment. Because the message should've been sent to Emily.

"I'm so sorry, Em," I said through a choked out whisper, feeling the taste of my tears on my tongue.

Pressing the send button, I only had to wait a few seconds before my phone vibrated and the name of my most recently contacted sender flashed across my screen:

Effy.


	17. 16: Every Word You Say I Think

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **_**It's a love story about a girl who doesn't want to be in love. -Jack Thorne**_

**CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Every Word You Say, I Think I Should Write Down**

_"Can't really see the stars in the city, can you," I mumbled, taking a slow drag off the spliff I'd managed to pilfer from Freddie earlier in the afternoon. Emily's tiny, slender fingers lightly twisted the paper from my mouth and with a cheeky grin, pulled a deep hit. My eyes narrowed in a teasing indignation, and her smile merely grew in response. Slowly, her eyes faded back to view of Bristol's the city lights. Neither of us had brought up the fact this was to be our last night of the summer together. It was much easier to take shots of Sladki straight from the bottle...take another hit...watch the lights begin to sparkle and then blur the more intoxicated we became. _

_"Heard the lights in Paris are brighter," Emily whispered, resting her head against my shoulder as she nuzzled the fleece blanket closer beneath her chin. "So I'm sure it's even harder there." Her arm reached out and cupped the crook of my elbow as my head cradled atop hers. "You won't forget to call me...will you?" A sardonic laugh broke through my teeth._

_"You're the one gallivanting off to the most romantic city in the universe. I'll have fuck all to do here other than fucking pine away every second." Emily sat up, causing me to turn and see the precociously impish smile plastered on her face. "Whatchu so smug about?"_

_"Naomi Campbell...pining..." the triumph in her tone was unmistakable, and the urge to roll my eyes rose "...never thought there'd be the day." It was the little drop of husk in her voice which prevented me from sarcastically brushing off the moment. There'd always been something in that tone which rendered all of my normal brain functions utterly useless. _

_"Yeah," I mumbled, "me either." I twirled the ring resting atop my right finger several times as I thought about everything I had planned on saying tonight but had yet to. I was utter shit at goodbyes, even temporary ones. "I wish you weren't going," is what came out, but not because I had settled on it. Emily's neck craned against my shoulder as her lips found the pulse point in my neck._

_"Yeah," she whispered, "me either," throwing my words back at me. The pressure of her kiss intensified, unleashing breathy gasps from the back of my throat. Her hand reached around and captured the other side of my neck, pressing me closer against her lips. Teeth bore down possessively, as my gasping vocalized. A hundred shock waves coursed through every igniting part of my body and I felt the familiar quickening pulse in my clit begin. Emily's fingers traced their way to my chest, easing me down onto the blankets while my hands clutched into her thick, red mane, entwining us both into my descent. Her weight alone nearly undid me, but I refused to surrender so quickly...not when the next time seemed so very far away..._

The memory played in my head for the hundredth time today as I dropped a second box marked 'Emily' atop the first in the hallway. Flashbacks had been running through my mind like one of those youtube videos people made of their favorite couples. Short bursts of times past set to some angsty song in the background. As fucking corny as the analogy was, it didn't shake the fact it was true, nor the fact it had be breaking down in tears every time I thought I had recovered from the last. I tried to occupy my time until Effy arrived...no doubt to kick my ass for what I'd proposed to her. She'd rung me up, confused by the Goa proposition. Once I'd fully explained what had happened with Lana, what I knew it all meant, and what I intended to do about it...the line had gone dead. So it was likely to be any second now where-

Effy stormed through the front door, sending it flying back against the wall with a long swoop of her arm. Standing upright from where I had placed the box, my swollen eyes met hers, and I swallowed. Hard. I'd never seen her look so fucking furious before. Grabbing a fistful of my shirt, she shoved me from the hallway into the sitting room, and up against the bookcase, practically barking at me like a mad dog as we moved, "You are a fucking coward, Naomi Campbell!" Releasing my shirt as my back made loud contact with the wooden furniture, her index finger pressed into my chest. "You're fucking running from her again!" she pressed harder. "What do you mean...come to Goa with you...are you out of your fucking mind?!" she pressed harder still, forcing me to bring my hand across hers, knocking it away and rubbing the bruised area with the base of my palm. I knew my eyes had to be the size of UFOs at Effy's emotional display, but her hardened expression didn't falter for a second as she stepped away, crossing back to the front door and slamming it shut with all her might. No, I'd never seen Effy like this. Her heels clamped down firmly against the wooden tile as she came storming right back into the room. "I won't sit around and watch you do this to her. You can't just fuck off without a word and-"

"I never told you I was," I interrupted with a deadpan calm which unnerved even me. "I'm going to go see her...I just...I wanted to give this to you first." Reaching over to the middle shelf just behind me, I pulled the ticket from where it stuck out between the pages of the roadmap booklet and extended it in Effy's general direction. Her eyes glanced down at it, and then back up at me. If it was possible they were filled with even more venom than before.

"You know this isn't right, you know there are plenty of other ways to-"

"Don't you know how fucking _badly_ I _wish_ that were true?! What, Effy. What do I do?! _Tell me! _Whisk her away from Katie, James, Rob, fucks sake, even Jenna?! She has a goddamn family, Effy, she's not like us! She has people who give a fuck!" It was the first break in Effy's resolve from the moment she charged in here. Her jaw loosened after a twitch from one side to the other. She couldn't deny it. I hadn't meant to compare but really...it was true, and the dire weight of the circumstances...just...had to be realized...

"You're going to make her go with them...to Scotland...aren't you?" I wanted to hang my head in shame, to tell her differently, hell to even get a tiny bit annoyed she'd pieced it all together, despite me leaving out that little detail when we spoke on the phone. But I-I couldn't.

"Yes," I admitted, the word practically poisoning on my tongue. "I'll stay here long enough to make sure they leave. Make sure Matt doesn't suspect anything until it's too late and they're gone for good." Closing the gap between us, I popped the ticket up to eye level. My tone was coated in the old eerie calm I used to sarcastically paint over everything which tumbled out of my mouth. I hadn't heard it pass through my lips since the beginning of fifth form. Since before Emily. "And then you and I will get on a plane...and never looks back..." Effy's eyes narrowed. I cleared my throat against the threat of tears teasing to resurface. "Effy," I continued in a whisper, "If you could go back...do something to save Freddie...no matter what the fucking cost...regardless of how much it fucking broke you inside...wouldn't you?" Those blue four dimensional eyes bore hard into mine, and then traced over every detail of my face...the worry lines etched into every crevice from all my sleepless nights and booze filled days...the pleading cry in the back of my own pupils...

"Fuck you, Naomi," she said finally, her nimble fingers reaching out and snatching the plane ticket from my hand. "Why don't you just go by yourself?" I shifted from one foot to the other, as my gaze could no longer meet hers. In my shamed confession, I felt my cheeks burn and the tears battle for dominance yet again, but I sniffed them back as I looked at the ceiling with a sad smile and said,

"Because I need someone to force me not to come back." Effy punched me in the shoulder, bringing my head down as the paper tapped against my nose.

"You're going to have to lie your royal ass off to her, y'know...she's not just going to fucking back down." I bit my lower lip, holding the same broken smile from a moment ago...only now for a very different reason.

"Of course not," I whispered, "It's Emily."

I asked Effy to drop off Emily's boxes, having no real way to transport them myself. I made sure to remind her to leave the tiny small white box though...that was filled with...well, memories. They weren't packed away clothes or assorted knick knack items. That box held a corsage from the Love Ball. Letters and notes passed back and forth during classes. Souvenirs from our trip to the boardwalk. Post Its with reminders for milk...or a dirty play by play over a particular romp we couldn't quite shake from our minds. And more pictures than I knew what to do with. When we stole away on any little "date" here and there, Emily made sure she had a camera in tow. Every time. And now the better, framed ones and the sillier, blurry ones were all stashed away, sealed tight with duct tape. If Emily ever saw any of it...it would be too much. And it would undo all the lies I had to weave, and I couldn't fucking have that. I also couldn't have something so potent and emotionally provocative in my room any longer so...for now...in the sitting room it would stay.

Effy's sat on the sofa, and lit up a fag. After a few seconds, I slumped down beside her as she handed me the pack. We stayed just like that, quiet and mostly unmoving, for most of the night. She threw me occasional glances as we passed a reheated curry take out back and forth, watched a Doctors marathon on the telly, and split one too many fags and spliffs until we both finally crashed.

When I woke up the next morning, the boxes were gone and so was Effy, having left a note which said, 'Please, Naomi. Don't be stupid.' I crumpled it up, threw it in the trash, and trudged up to the loo. The water was freezing, but I had no idea if that was because the heater was broken or I'd merely forgotten to turn on the hot water. With the patter of the fall of the water came fresh tears...with fresh tears came the memory of Emily's body pressed against mine against the shower wall...how safe she'd made me feel...just for a moment...and what I-what I was going to-

_You really are a fucking coward, Naomi._

My puffy swollen eyelids reflect back to me every time I attempted to reapply my eyeliner or foundation. It took me three hours to finish my makeup. I couldn't look at myself long enough to properly apply anything, and the few times I did...I hated what was staring back at me so much I had to look back down again. Eventually, my shaky hands attempted to apply the eyeshadow, but the longer I looked into my own eyes, the more torrential the storm behind them became. I hadn't even left my fucking flat yet and I was already a basket case in my head. Each wave of dirty blame struck harder and harder against my hammering heart, eventually breaking the flow of the blackened pencil and smearing it across my cheek. Breaking down into tears, I quickly washed away what little work I had accomplished...and once I composed myself...had to begin again. To pain my mask, to fortify my lies. My own reflection made me sick. Twice.

It had been overcast in Bristol for the last five days. Except today. Today the clouds were fluffy and white. They followed me as I slowly, step by step, trudged to Emily's flat. Each footfall was so heavy it felt like trekking through the filthiest marshlands, my feet rising and falling slowly, urging my crestfallen body down one road and then another. There was a pleasant nip to the air, but the playful sensation was lost against my colorless cheeks. I pulled out a spliff and lit it, not really caring if a bobby heralded me down...I needed something to scab over this burst in my heart...to clot it into ice.

Nearly two hours later, for what should have been a 45 minute walk, I stood gazing up at the coned off-white door, my hands shoved in my trousers to keep them from shaking. The first time I came here, I didn't really look at the door frame, but something about today made me take notice of a particular detail...this door didn't have a cat flap.

_Of course it wouldn't..._

Pulling another long drag from the paper in my hand, I dropped it to the pavement and mashed it out beneath my trainer. Pushing the black iron gate open, I made my way to the front door. I took each step slowly, one at at time. Atop the stoop, I debated momentarily if I should ring or knock. Seemed like a silly detail but really, I wasn't sure if my fingers were strong enough to ball into a proper fist. Licking my lips and swallowing hard, I closed my eyes and rapped on the door, palm splayed but knuckles slightly curled to produce a small knock. I don't know if I was relieved or panicked when it was Emily's adoring eyes which appeared around the frame. Her arms reached out and hugged my neck as she squeezed tightly, exhaling a long breath beside my ear.

"I've missed you," she whispered, tightening her grasp by planting her hands across the span of my shoulders when she didn't feel my arms wrap around her. I fought down my instinct to clutch Emily to me, forcing my hands to instead settle gently on Emily's forearms, and slowly pull her away. Her previously warm expression faded, as I said in a firm, clear voice,

"We have to talk." A look of panic seeped into Emily's eyes as they darkened over, but she nodded her head and her small, nimble fingers curled around mine.

"All right," she replied as she led me inside. I shouldn't've let her, but my fingers remained threaded with hers as I crossed the threshold. It was selfish, but just for a moment, I relieved the heavy weight on my chest with a momentary intimacy which only Emily's hand ever held.

I was grateful the house was quiet. It seemed rather unusual for the Fitch residence, now I thought on it, that nearly every time I managed to visit...Emily and I always found ourselves alone. There wasn't much furniture remaining in the sitting room, and the usual six-seater table had been removed from the kitchenette just down the hall. Dozens of cardboard boxes lined the walls, and plastic had been thrown over the settee. Emily gave my fingers a gentle tug as she led me toward the stairs, her eyes so beckoning I doubted I really needed to be led by anything else. The second our eyes firmly locked in place I felt my heart begin to melt as it so often did when Emily's enchanting gaze trapped me in her thrall. The sparks of the familiar sensation forced me to tighten my resolve. I released our fingers at once before I could be invited to join her in the privacy of her bedroom. "Emily I-," clearing my throat, and straightening my back, I attempted to speak again, "This will only take a minute."

Emily descended the staircase, a twinge of anger replacing the worried gloss from moments before. "After everything that's happened over the past few days...all you have for me is a minute?" Her arms crossed her chest as her angry glare demanded an answer.

_Fuck me..._

Clearing my throat, and reaching into my coat pocket, I pulled out the ticket to Goa. For one brief moment Emily's eyes flashed with excitement and confusion...giving way to the latter when she noticed there was only one. "What's this?" she asked, yanking the ticket from my hand and examining it.

"Effy and I are going to Mexico," I responded flatly, "We leave Bristol at the end of the week. We're going to go stay with my mum in London until then." Her head snapped up and down from the paper in her hand to my neutral gaze several times as she tried to process everything.

"You..Effy...Mexico...what-" and then she stopped, her eyes focusing on one particular bit of information as she brought it slightly closer to her nose. Her head snapped back up for a final time, the ghost of a gasp brushing through her parted lips. She'd seen the trip's route and destination. "This ticket is one way," she said, barely above a whisper. The tips of my fingers clenched tightly in my pocket as I watched her face fall. "What the fuck is this?" she asked, holding up the paper to my eye level, her voice biting on the verge of passionate injustice. She shoved the ticket against my chest, pushing me back a solid inch as she did so. Calmly, I took my time unfolding the paper and placing it back in my pocket.

"I think it's pretty self-explanatory," I insisted, keeping my voice even despite the fact my heart and mind were practically screaming and begging me to stop the charade. "I'm going to Goa, and from the packing I see, you're going to Scotland." Emily's head spun around, her arms doing the same as she gestured wildly to the packages strewn about the barren room.

"This shit isn't mine! I-I thought-"

"We'd go to London?" I said, venomously patronizing her with both the cadence of the words and the pitying look in my eyes, I'd rehearsed this next bit for an hour in the mirror so I could recite it with the proper amount of sting, "You'd shack up with Lara and JJ? Sneak on campus for late night rendezvous in my dorm bed? Find a job until you could apply for Goldsmiths or some other piss rate uni and we would have a dedicated romance from first day until graduation? Fuck, Emily, don't be fucking naive. That's not going to happen. In fact, the very idea...is ridiculous." The longer I spoke the more casual I sounded, like I was some twat of a business partner trying to manipulate her fucking client with a spin of her web.

"Why are you saying all this?" I took a few steps closer to her, placing my hands in front of me, folded at the fingertips. When I spoke it was very plain and matter of fact.

_You fucking cunt, you're turning this beautiful once gift into a dagger...fuck you, Naomi..._

"I bought those tickets months ago, Emily. I'd wanted out for ages, I was just waiting for the right moment to tell you. Then the accident happened and...I felt guilty, thought if I abandoned you it made me some horrible person. But the fact is...I can't keep pretending anymore. It's over for me, Emily. It has been for a very long time."

I'd never seen Emily make that face before. If she had, it had always been hidden from me. Her eyes grew twice their size as she stepped away from me, her bottom lip trembling and every fiber of my being was screaming for me to kiss it still. Her gaze turned, her jaw tightening as she stared at the ground, tears bristling the corners of her eyes. Sucking in a slow inhale through her teeth she whispered,

"No." Her body began to shake. "No, none of this is true, I don't know why you're fucking doing this," her eyes shot back to mine and there was the fire I had been expecting, "why did you stay at my bedside for five fucking weeks if it was already over for you."

"Maybe I thought you'd wake up and I'd-feel it again. But when it didn't just miraculously, automatically happen I thought...at the very least..I owed it to you to try again. To try and recapture what I once felt for you. So I spent time with you...I kissed you...I fucked you...but Emily...it never came back. And after everything I did, after all the lying about how I truly felt...I have to confess-" The sting of her palm blazed across my cheek. Slowly bringing my finger tips to the corner of my mouth, peering through watering eyes, I watched Emily storm down the hall. Her hands flew into her hair as she emitted a loud cry at the top of her lungs which segued into,

_**"Fuck you, Naomi Campbell!"**_ Rubbing the side of my cheek, trying to hold in the tears, I felt my heart break at the utterly enraged and crushed woman before me. I was completely shattered inside. The room was spinning and I was fairly certain I was going to faint any second. In my moment of disorientation, Emily seized the opportunity to charging back up to me, shoving hands down my shirt. I tried to fight her off, but she pushed back hard, her thin tiny purple painted finger nails clawing at my chest and collar bone.

"Emily, what the fuck, what the hell are you doing?" By the time I realized what was happening, she brandished my necklace between us, her fingers gripping the ring...Emily's ring...in a white knuckled grip.

_Fuck! I forgot to take it off!_

Her reddening, tear stained eyes searched my face as I felt my expression being to falter. "Is this mine?" she snapped, pulling the chain taut against the back of my neck. The abrupt tug forced us closer as Emily's trembling hand clutched the tiny object. "It is...isn't it..." she said with finality.

"I-"

"You tell me you feel nothing for me, but this...I've seen this, Naomi. You wore it around your neck at the lake when _I_ kissed _you_. You wore it the afternoon we _made love_. You're wearing this _now_ and you still have the goddamn fucking _audacity_ to tell me-!" Her hand released the ring with a snap, breaking the chain and hurling it my chest. A tiny 'clink!' of the ring hitting the floor echoed in the hallway. I kept my eyes forward and blank as I pretended not to care my heart had just joined the ring at my feet. "You don't mean any of this..." she said in a forced, choked out whisper, shaking her head slowly from side to side.

Kneeling slowly, I picked up the ring and cradled it in my fingers...for the very last time. I approached Emily and took her hand tenderly. She kept it closed in a fist whispering, "nonono" over and over again, her head lightly shaking from side to side with each word, as she watched my irreversible and inevitable actions. I pried her hand open. A sob broke through her lips as I placed the ring in her palm. "Yes. I do, Emily," I stated, wrapping her fingers around my greatest treasure, the symbol of our entwined hearts, and pushed her hand toward her. Emily's eyes clenched shut as she brought her closed hand to her lips and collapsed to the ground.

I cast my eyes upward, biting the inside of my cheeks so hard I drew blood. I'd prepared myself for anything Emily might say. I couldn't've prepared myself to see her this fucking broken. Not again.

"Your eyes were the first thing I saw when I woke up. And they've been lying to me ever since," Emily said through a strangled sob, and I felt the stirrings of one threaten to break my chest. I swallowed so hard I thought I would choke. Her fingers clasped around my wrist and she yanked me to the floor, crashing our lips together as my body splayed atop hers from the sheer force of the pull. My hands went up to Emily's shoulders to try and push her away, but her own were forcefully wrapped around me, holding me against her.

_No Emily, no...this is not how our last kiss is supposed to be...you weren't supposed to fucking kiss me, no!..oh fuck, Emily please, stop please let me go...please...you're killing me, Emily!_

I don't know how. I don't know what deep part of me forcing myself to go along with this fucking goddamn scheme prevented it...but I willed my lips still...refusing to kiss her back. She pushed and pushed, pressed our lips together tighter and tighter until I thought she'd tear me open. "Kiss me back," she pleaded through sobbing tears, "Please just kiss me back..."

I couldn't stand it anymore. I was going to lose. Gripping her shoulders, I shoved us apart, pushing myself off her and stumbling to my feet. My back collided against the nearby wall and I I shut my eyes. I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. Funny how it never does that when you want it to. The tiniest rustle of clothing signalled Emily's slow rise to her feet. "Of all the people-to break my heart-" I heard her say in the faintest hush of a whisper,"-why did it have to be you, Naomi?"

Cautiously, I opened my eyes. We were only a few feet away from one another, but fucking frankly we might as well have been on the other side of the world. "I'm sorry," I said with as little emotion as I could muster.

"Get. Out.," she commanded through gritted teeth. I was certain I had been shot...two words had pierced all the way through my body and come out through the other side. I don't know how I was still alive...still standing. For a brief moment...I wished it could end. Just so I could let her see how utterly broken I was inside. Let there be some inkling of how she killed me. How much I hated myself and in this moment. I knew I'd never recover. Instead of opening the wound deeper...I turned over my shoulder and headed for the door.

"Effy will be by with the rest of your things," I said reaching the door, and turning the knob.

"Naomi," her tender voice beckoned. My hand stopped, and I glanced over my shoulder. Her face was completely resolute. "Goodbye."

In all the time Emily and I had spent together after she found out about Sophia...I had always been terrified there would be a day where she would look at me that way...

_I wanted you then...now...as long as you still look at me this way...  
I can't take my eyes off you._

...as if she really meant the hateful, finalizing word she just uttered. And now...here...she did...and it was my fucking fault. Because I had to keep her safe...because I loved her more than I can even understand...because I knew she had more passion and courage in her heart than I ever could. And she'd love someone again. But me? No. Never again for me.

"Goodbye, Emily," I said, my trembling hand pulling the door open, as I walked away, clicking the door quietly behind me.

The outside world was a daze from the fucked up scene I had laid to ruin behind me. Each step I took was slow and measured despite my innate desire to spring away from the flat as fast as I could. Turning the corner, I bent over, dry heaving, expecting any second for tears to come streaming down my face over what I had just done. But nothing expelled from any part of me as I hunkered down, one hand gripping the gated railing of the sidewalk for some semblance of balance. My legs and arms were jelly, and I was certain to faint any minute.

In the open air, everything around me felt surreal. Sound bounced about in an underwater muffle. My eyesight faded back and forth from clear to foggy. I had to get somewhere quickly before I passed out in the middle of the street. Releasing my grip on the railing I started to run. I wasn't sure to where, my brain was too full, too numb, too...much. And simultaneously...was nothing. Not exactly a sprinter, I tired out rather quickly. I came to a crosswalk and briefly glanced both ways before jogging into a familiar ally. Noise was now enraging. I had to shake my head every few seconds to see. My heavy breathing strangled in my chest...and it was that bind which finally allowed all the pent up bile and bullshit in my stomach and heart and lungs and every fucking part of my body to start bleeding.

And bleed I did. With a loud, cracking sob, everything spilled over the surface. My guilt, my grief, my loss, and all the...blinding...fucking pain. My body ached to turn around and run right back into Emily's arms, to somehow mend what I'd just broken, but instead I kept barreling through the streets of Bristol, destination unknown other than wherever my feet were choosing to carry me.

_Fuck you Naomi. Just fuck you. What have you done?! You've not only willingly given up the only person who ever believed in you, you tore her to pieces. You lied to her, grossly, ferociously lied. No matter what happens now, even if you were to meet at another point in your lives, if you were so goddamn lucky, she'd never forgive you. You fractured it beyond repair this time you stupid, selfish, twat!_

Emily's words atop the nightclub came flooding back to me like a haunting sledgehammer.

_You've ruined it...you don't want anyone to care...I could be dead in a second..._

I slowed, feeling the weight of my feet pounding the pavement, blinded by the wet stains in my eyes.

_Everything's..._

I slowed even still, my chest renting with the strain of my tears.

_...so..._

I stopped, collapsing against a nearby tree, succumbing to the weight of the phantom truth.

_...fragile..._

The earth quaking cry of Emily's name from atop the roof had followed my beautiful girl through the doors of the nightclub on that fateful afternoon. And that same specter cry, that soul crushing break in my voice as I used her name to beckon her back to me despite the fact I knew she'd never turn back, shook me in the wake of it's memory. My quivering fingers muffled the cry which escaped my lips. Turning my head slowly to the left, I eased my hands back to my sides as saw where my feet had subconsciously carried me. Under the shade of the park trees...was the stone gazebo. Pushing my back up from the tree trunk, I trudge my way toward through the blue-green grass and into the covered shelter. I sat against the dipped wall just across from the long stone bench.

I wanted to take it all back. Every word. Every action. I wanted to go back to here, where I knew...no matter what befell me...Emily was the constant. Emily proved she loved me, despite the accident, in spite of everything, Emily found a way to accept...to embrace...to care...and here I was...throwing it all away...I rejected her. I made her feel like my love was a lie...and that...was going to save her life. Covering my face in my hands, I sobbed until I was certain my heart would turn to ash from the lack of water in my body. My eyes bulged and burned as each painful, wracking wave of mourning hit me again and again until I collapsed prostrate on the stone beneath me.

Somewhere amongst it all...my breathing slowed...and I fell asleep...

The sound of a car backfiring shot me awake. Startled upright by the loud popping, I immediately regretted it. A searing pinch blinded me from the top of my neck all the way to the base of my spine. Gingerly rubbing the bridge of my nose, I twisted forward to look around, feeling my back pop in three places. As my eyes adjusted to the dusky light, I reached for phone to check the time. Nearly seven.

_Jesus fucking Christ, I've been out for hours._

No texts. No missed calls.

_I don't know why I was expecting her to-_

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I stuffed the phone back into my jumper and slowly and awkwardly stood and stretched. I hobbled from the gazebo to the main road, and began the daunting trek back to my flat

Eventually I reached my front stoop and pulled my flat keys from within my trousers, fumbling them into the lock. Once I was inside, I pulled my phone from my pocket and used the back light to switch on the hallway light. Glancing down, I finally took notice of something which should've signaled warning bells inside my head earlier in the day when I saw Effy had taken Emily's things. The little white box was gone. Utterly panicked and furious, I dialed Effy's number and when it went to voice mail, I barked through the line,

"Elizabeth Stonem! I told you not to take that fucking box what the royal fuck is the matter with you! If you gave it to her I-"

I'd always believed danger brought with it a form of sixth sense. Maybe I just didn't have one. Something hard pressed against the back of my neck, but before I could make any sound, the click of a glock falling into place silenced me. I'd never seen a gun face to face, but I'd watched enough films to know what that sound was.

My heart was ringing in my head so loudly I barely heard the words, "Hang up the phone, Naomi," fall on my ears. Pulling the phone from my ear, my shaking thumb pressed the 'End Call' button. A few seconds later, hot breath prickled my ear as a malicious voice growled, "Where the _fuck_ is _Emily_?"


	18. 17: When I Find You, I'll Find Me

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: "All at once we were madly, clumsily, shamelessly, agonizingly in love with each other."—Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita**

**CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: When I Find You, I'll Find Me**

EMILY'S POV

How is it possible to feel everything and nothing at the same time? To be so completely drained of everything inside...but still feel like a crushing weight is threatening to drive you into the ground? Once the door clicked shut, I slumped against the staircase, curling into the wood paneling, forcing it to keep me upright. I couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe my luck. Couldn't believe the girl I loved...didn't love me back.

_I never got the chance to tell you..._

The last few weeks had been utterly terrifying. I woke up some mornings feeling like a stranger in my own body because everything was so foreign to me. And in those moments where I had felt so lost...I'd thought about the kind eyes from the beautiful blonde, peering down at me with what I later learned...what I thought had been...such adoration. And I was no longer afraid.

It had felt so real...felt...like everything. I felt strong, protected, and safe from the minute Naomi had crawled up my drain pipe. I wasn't living with a warden at the door and a twin who wouldn't tell me jack shit about parts of my past which...felt real...but I couldn't quite place. Slouched against the staircase, I mourned the fact it had all been a lie. That the woman I thought was going to be my savior turned out to be the biggest villain in this terrible piece.

_And I let her have it. I let her have me. In every fucking sense of the word._

My fingers were clamped down on the ring still in my hands. I had seen Naomi wearing it long before the day at the lake. As I was waking up in the hospital, my ears slowly coming from the dark and blurry haze of voices toward one which sounded inviting and familiar, I felt something heavy and cool brush against the side of my neck. Soft pressure was then applied to my head as my eyes began to open slowly, my eyelids feeling like boulders with how much effort it took to open them. And then those eyes. Calm and torrential like still gulf water after a downpour. Wet with tears. A smile beaming back at me so brightly I had to smile back...despite the fact...I had no idea who those charming features belonged to.

_Naomi Campbell, so very nice to meet you Emily..._

...and then my eyes caught it as the light blinking light from one of the monitors reflect from it while the girl now known to me as Naomi took my hand in hers. A ring hung around her neck. One which I was to learn over time she never removed, even when there was a blouse or jumper covering it...my eyes occasionally drifted down to the tiny little bump in her chest...just to make sure she was still wearing it.

As thoughts and actions started to slowly sync with what little I could piece together when it came to what I was feeling for Naomi...I'd made an assumption. But it had been the only one which made any sense. Rings were an eternal circle, something not to be taken lightly. Every time I zeroed in on the object, hidden or otherwise, a familiar wave of...pride, ownership, and compassion settled in the pit of my stomach. It's how I knew...before Naomi told me...we were special.

_We...__**had**__...been special..._

Now this precious metal. This symbol of profound meaning, was searing into my fingers the tighter I squeezed and the harder the sobs choked in the back of my throat. But I couldn't let it go. I had wanted to throw it at Naomi's face when she'd told me she was sorry. I'd hated her so much in that moment. I wondered now if I did hate her. If it was possible to be so certain of one feeling to have it turn so violently into something so horribly new. Every time it threatened to take over to be the dominate thought in my head, my mind played back to her eyes, to her frozen lips as I had tried, and so miserably failed, to will her kiss to feel mine again. And to the ring buried so deep in my skin I was certain it would break and bleed any second. Still I squeezed harder.

A knock on the door broke me out of my stupor. I didn't give a fuck who it was. It didn't fucking matter. Nothing fucking mattered anymore. Shutting my eyes, I willed them to just go away. "Emily let me in," Effy's voice came through the door. My head lightly tapped against the stairwell.

_Shit, not now Effy..._

"Emily," her voice came again a bit louder and her knock went from formal to fervent. Shoving the ring into my pocket and forcing myself onto trembling legs, I crossed to the doorframe, leaning against it once it was reached.

"Go away, Effy," I commanded through a dry, cracked throat. I watched her shadowed frame slouch through the crystalline designed glass. Mum found the design beautiful and inviting. I found it extremely invasive.

"Fuck, Naomi," she grumbled through the door, popping her head back in what I could only assume was a sigh of frustration. A surge of rage knocked through me then, pummeling the boiling and simmering grief into the back of my mind as I unlocked the door and threw it open.

"Yes, exactly!" I barked as Effy forced her way past me, "Fuck, Naomi!" I continued as her hands slowly pushed against my chest so she could shut the door. She opened her mouth to speak but the look of concern on her face was cloaked in something else. And the second I realized what it was, I wanted to shove her through the door. Without bothering to open it. "You knew!" I bellowed, my voice cracking as it rose several decibels above it's usual register. "You fucking knew, you heartless bitch, this whole time and you didn't tell me a fucking thing!" I must have looked a sight because Effy slowly backed into the hallway, keeping eye contact and her hands splayed in front of her like she was speaking to an unhinged toddler.

"I don't know what she-" I couldn't take it then. No more half truths, no more fucking mysteries. I charged up to Effy and shoved her into the living room. She stumbled back for a moment before her own eyes blazed over.

"You're not mad at me, Emily," she said, voice low and level, but coated in fire. Feeling just the tiniest bit embarrassed, but still unwilling to relinquish this driving tremble, my eyes scattered about, finally landing on something in Effy's hand, resting to her side. A white box.

"Like fuck I'm not," I said, my own voice matching Effy's in tone and intensity though dropping in volume. "She broke my fucking heart, ripped it right the fuck out while it was still beating." I hated the way Effy was looking at me. How this whole situation was making me look. I'd never noticed before how similar Effy and Naomi were. Same lithe figure. Same strikingly soul-crushing eyes. Which revealed everything and nothing at the same time...and I was so tired of having...nothing...

A pathetically sad laugh broke through a backlash of a sob. My hand went to cover it as it escaped, but out of my peripherals I saw my hand shake. And it made me sick to my stomach. "Y'know the worst part? I-I was going to-I planned on telling her-"

"I know," Effy interrupted, raising the box slowly between us, offering it to me. My hand was timid, but somehow I managed to keep my voice strong as I took the box and said,

"Yeah. Right. Fucking knows fucking everything." Effy didn't respond, just merely glanced down to the still sealed box in my hand. The duct tape around it had been cut, making the top easy to remove. There wasn't much inside. A withered corsage flower. A hair bow. A few pictures scattered here and there, mostly of Naomi and I. A lump rose in my throat at the sight of our bright and happy faces, and I couldn't help but wonder which of these smiles were faked. When exactly it was she'd started pretending for my "delicate sake." I tipped the box to the side a bit and as I did so, the small content shifted until a tiny little piece of yellow paper appeared. It was crumbled and old. Removing it, I folded it open with a flick of my fingers. It was my handwriting in what was once blue but now more purplish ink: Emily slept here. With a smiley face.

A clipping flash broke through my mind. Waking up alone in a house I don't remember. A sinking feeling of disappointment but an undercurrent of resolve. Searching a strange room for the remnants of my clothes. Stuffing them into my bag as I removed another pair from my bag. I'd packed another change of clothes...I'd thought to pack another outfit. Why? Another blink and I saw myself writing the note, pulling the covers over the pillow before I left the room entirely. Squinting, I shut the box and placed it on the entertainment center. Effy's footsteps approached.

"All right?" she asked, as a low pounding echoed in the back of my head.

"Yeah," I lied, squeezing my eyes twice more before slowly opening them. The sunlight was suddenly painful, so I crossed over to the blinds and shut them. Crossing my arms, I re-approached Effy who was watching my every move like any second I would collapse. "I'm fine," I said, a bite of irritation entering my tone. She didn't blink. She didn't falter. She just...watched. "What's that prove, then?" I asked, nodding my head in the general direction of where I'd set the box. Effy's gaze didn't waver, didn't falter, I don't even think she blinked.

"That Naomi's doing what she's always done. Hiding. The only person who could bring her into the light...was you. She loves you, Emily."

"No she doesn't," I quickly replied, remembering in exactly how many words Naomi had chosen to spell that out for me.

"Oh yes. She fucking does. More than you will ever know probably. You don't get to see what you two look like when you think no one else is watching. You don't get to see how she looks at you when she's certain no one can see. It's like she's terrified and blissful at the exact same time. I've never seen anyone do that. Least of all her. And with no one other than you." The conviction in Effy's voice was stirring and deep down...I wanted desperately for her little speech to be true. But I couldn't know, I couldn't be sure. Her fucking indigo eyes had diagnosed and broken down parts of Naomi I didn't know. I didn't remember. And if I couldn't remember...how was I to trust all these powerful sensations which stirred in me?

_Because they're only there when you look at her._

"Why did she do this, then?" I asked in a whisper, my strong resolve withering. "Why did she say she wanted out? Why did she lie to me over and over again, with her words, her kiss her-" I swallowed, feeling the air in my lungs deplete, but somehow managed to continue, "-her touch." Effy's eyes fell and I couldn't look at her. I turned my head back to the box, the contents within practically screaming their message: you weren't supposed to forget.

"I'm not going to Goa, Emily," the soft voice broke in, "because you're the one who's suppose to be on that plane with her." A swipe of my cheeks with the back of my fingertips found them wet, and I had to sniffle a few times before I could breathe again. The idea of sunlit beaches and romantic waterfalls lasted for a moment before they were broken by the storm of cruelty which had just torn this room apart only minutes ago. Shaking my head clear of the conflicting images, I met Effy's eyes again.

"I..I think she's made it painfully obvious, I'm not what she wants, Effy." The girl's lips rose in a half smile. I was beginning to find that smug look a bit obnoxious.

"She doesn't know what she wants. Apart from you. Never has. She's a bit of a mess, really."

_She's not the only one..._

"What if-what if this isn't something I can fix?" I voiced, putting my absolute worst fear into the atmosphere. What if what Naomi had done, had said, was really, truly unfixable?

Effy's smile didn't falter as she replied, "You're Emily."

_Ok...what the fuck is that supposed to mean?..._

As if I were somehow expected to know, Effy crossed past me and moments later I heard the front door open and close. Crawling into the couch, I allowed myself to cry...and cry...and wonder and cry...and question and cry...

_This doesn't make sense. None of it. Why would she do this...it doesn't make any sense. Naomi, fuck, Naomi...I hate this...I can't breathe...it's like...I can't...breathe..._

Hours later I woke up with a blanket over my shoulders and the sound of bustling in the kitchen. Something was cooking on the pot and it singed my nose with it's putrid aroma. Which inevitably meant mum was home which, unfortunately also meant...Katie's laugh broke from the kitchen as my ears discerned the two voices, one close to my own against a thick Scottish accent prattling on about shit I could care less about. Pulling the blanket down, I tip-toed quietly from the darkness of the room. Daylight had come and gone as I'd managed to cry myself into a grieving coma. I'd never heard of anyone doing that before, but strangely, there was an odd familiarity to the grogginess of my state. Maybe just non-recovering-coma-patients are less likely experience it. I knew I should probably take some of the medication I'd left on the counter, but that would mean talking. And forget the fact I wasn't ready for it, but I doubt I even had a voice to do so. As I passed it, my eyes caught sight of the white box on the entertainment center. After a brief moment's consideration, I pulled it down and quietly ascended up the stairs, making sure to miss all the creaking steps I'd memorized since being brought to this house.

Inside the barren sanctuary of my private room, I sat just behind the door and placed the white box in front of me. I spent several long seconds just staring at it, the echoes of Naomi's hurtful words cutting against the bones yet again...

_Fuck, Emily, don't be fucking naive...I'd wanted out for ages...It's over for me, Emily...I spent time with you I kissed you I fucked you..._

Blinking back tears, I tore open the top of the box. I pulled out one picture after the other, uncrumpling post it notes, reading over handwritten letters about daily events and playful banter, hoping and praying one of them would restore what I had lost. Not the memories. I doubted I'd ever get those back at this point, everything else seemed insurmountably impossible. That's not what I wanted back. They didn't matter anymore.

After I'd gone through every piece, my hand fell back to the first thing I'd actually caressed when I'd initially reached into the box. The yellowed paper...with the purple ink...and three simple words. And there is was. As if it were a shock wave...I knew what that note meant. I knew why I'd left it, and it didn't have anything to do with serving as a reminder as it would appear to any outside observer. It was why Naomi had kept the note in the first place.

_This was the first time I told you I loved you._

Tears flowed differently now. They weren't made out of mourning or grief, but of dawning realization. Everything she'd told me today was a lie. This...what I held in my hand...this small slip of paper...this was the truth. And it hadn't changed. Was never going to change. Not for the rest of my life.

Barreling so fast to my feet I nearly knocked the box over, I reached for my trainers and slipped them on. Unlatching and quietly pulling up the window, I felt a warm breeze brush across my dried out cheeks as I looked down the drain pipe, taking note of how I needed to make my escape. It took a few more swallows of courage and some careful positioning, the lack of pain medication from the day of sleep making me a more than a little dizzy, but eventually I was slowly descending down the railing. Muscles aching and hands numb from having to balance my weight, I hopped the final step to the ground, and the minute I did so, jogged off in the direction of Naomi's flat.

I pulled the ring from my pocket, clutching it tightly in my fingers, taking note of the setting sun just over the rooftops above me.

_That wasn't goodbye, Naomi. I don't accept it. And I know you're scared, I don't know how...but I do...but I also know there's one thing you cannot lie about. Could never lie about. You love me. And we're not running from that. Not ever again._

**SECOND AUTHOR'S NOTE: This isn't the second to last chapter. I realized after I finished the chapter beforehand, this Emily interlude was completely necessary to get to the next transition. I hope after reading it...you agree...**


	19. 18: Don't Wanna Forget, Come Daylight

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: "We're Naomi and Emily. It didn't matter because we love each other." -Naomi Campbell in "Skins: Fire."**

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: Don't Wanna Forget, Come Daylight**

_Doesn't have the balls to do anything, huh, Effy?_

"Uh-I, um-" I choked through the oasis which coated my throat at the press of the freezing metal to my neck. My insides were jello. My phone shook in my hand, as it cradled closely to my ear. A large, dirty hand roughly brushed against my fingers as it removed the phone from my hand. I heard the echo of a button click as he ended the call.

"Where's Emily, Naomi," the insistent voice behind me commanded. I felt the barrel dip tighter into my skin and my shoulders shrunk in closer to my chest as my body instinctually cringed.

"I don't know," I whispered. The metal buried deeper. A whimper escaped my lips as tears leaked out of my eyes, and I choked out, "She's not here."

"Why." It wasn't a question, and the gun twisted slightly, tugging my hair in the process.

"She's with her family. In Scotland."

"She left you. Really." There was a bitter laugh tossed in between his sentences. The bite in his amusement at what he was doing...what he had done...to me...to us...steeled my heart over for one brief second as I turned slightly over my shoulder and replied,

"Yes she fucking left me, what the fuck do you care?" Grabbing my arm at the elbow, he spun me around. I'd never seen Matt Moore up close and personal. He wasn't much taller than I was. His eyes were dark and vibrating with rage as his haggered breath brushed my nose. I could smell alcohol on his breath as his rising temper shook the handle of the gun, now millimeters from my brow. My strength and courage depleted with the close proximity of my end.

_Fuck it...I'm scared...I'm truly really fucking scared...I don't want to die...I don't want to fucking die..._

"You're lying," he whispered, the putrid stench of his breath making me want to gag. The minute my eyes the gun pressed against my temple. "Don't fucking lie to me, Naomi!"

"What more do you want me to say?" I asked, my voice shaky but by some miracle still articulate. The gun shifted, as I heard him engage the safety. Before I had a chance to breathe, he yanked me into the kitchen. The stovetop light was the only illumination in the room. Matt shoved me into a chair and slammed my phone onto the table.

"Call her," he ordered, limply shaking the gun in the direction of the phone. "Call her now." His voice was low but assertive, a slight contrast from the demanding, terrorizing tone which had been millimeters from my ear seconds before. I sniffled back the beginnings of a few tears, my eyes casting over the obviously wrecked shell of the boy in front of me. Without the looming and immediately impending terror of the weapon now dangling at his side as he waited me to follow through with his demand, I found wasn't nearly as petrified of the tall sallow boy in front of me. I sat frozen in my chair, staring back at him, not even giving the phone a downward glance.

His patience lasting only a few moments, he picked it up and pushed a few buttons before letting it ring on speaker. I swallowed hard and inwardly prayed, _Don't pick up, don't pick up, for the love of Christ Emily-_

"Hi, you've reached Emily," the phone buzzed, as I forced a hint of a smile down from my lips. Matt groaned and punched the end button with his finger before attempting again. Twice more it rang through until it reached voice mail and my breath eased with each ending dial tone. Eventually, Matt shut it off and dramatically swiped it to the ground, leaning across the table toward me.

"Why did she leave you?" he growled. His nostrils were flaring, but his hand held steady as he put the gun back in my face. The longer he talked the more at ease I began to feel. After all, Emily had no need to come around. If he was waiting on her, or wanted to get to her, why was he dicking around? If he wanted to kill me he could've done that the minute I stepped through the door.

_You want something, Matt, and if that's a round of twenty questions? Fine..._

"I broke up with her."

"Why?"

"I don't love her anymore."

"Horse shit."

"It's true."

"Double horse shit." My eyes narrowed, and I dared to lean back in the chair a bit. I was beginning to understand how much Matt was enjoying this, the back and forth the double plays, the mind games, and if I really didn't have anything to lose...no one enjoyed a mind game more than Naomi Campbell...if I could just set him up properly...

Slapping on my best poker face, I queued, "What do you want with Emily?" Matt stood upright with a wicked glint in his eye.

"Is this the part where the villain unveils his master plan? Hm? Because that's right, see to you, I'm the villain in this aren't I, Naomi. I'm not the victim. My sister is not the victim." I dared to cock an eyebrow.

"You're the one who broke into my house." The young man's mouth thinned as he glowered down at me beneath hooded eyelids.

"It's not obvious." Not a question. A statement.

"You want revenge," I answered flatly, "You wanted to taunt me, terrify me, force me to break up with my girlfriend so she'd-"

"Ah-ha, see," he quipped, raising the gun halfway between us as his eyebrows twitched a bit, "I knew you were lying."

"Why not just fucking do it then," I dared, "why not just fucking pay me back for all the shit I did to your sister. How I fucked you both up." Matt broke into hysterical laughter, covering his face as he did so. Lowering his head a bit as his hands sunk to the table, his grip on the gun loosened. I braved a reach for it, rising quietly out of my seat, but the minute the chair beneath me shifted the gun was back in my face and Matt's laughing had ceased.

"Wow, just..._wow_. You honest to _fuck_ think this is about you don't you," The opening of the gun pressed right between my eyes, which squinted shut as he lowered me back to into the chair. Panic and fear regained control of my thoughts as my heart pounded in my chest. "I came to Emily for _help_." The gun pressed tighter against my skull and I let out a sharp shriek. "And she let you fucking get away with all of it."

"Fuck you," I grumbled, feeling my own blood boil. Even with a gun aimed at my brain I could practically scream with how sick I was of everyone else trying to tell me what happened between Emily and I during those long, arduous months and how I should fucking feel about all of it. "She pummeled my heart with guilt every second I was alive," I added, just the tiniest hint of bitterness to my voice for the first time. It made Matt smile.

"Which will be for how much longer do you think," Matt whispered flatly, a chilling undertone resonating in his voice. He glance over at me, his shoulders rising in a slight shrug. "Just curious." With the tip of the gun, he ran the barrel over the wood of the table, appearing momentarily lost in thought. I watched him curiously as he traced the grain outline until something, some thought, triggered the quick rip of the metal to carve into the table as it whipped off the edge. "I'm sure Emily assumed it would be for years. Marriage. Children. Grandchildren. All the things my sister wanted and now never will have." I swallowed before answering, my voice shaking as I did so,

"Emily will have all those things. But not with me." While it fucking hurt to give voice to the truth, there was a twinge of solace in the hope I could convince Matt to exact his pain out on me...and Emily would be left to have all she dreamed of wanting.

"Well fuck me if you're suddenly selfless. You weren't with Sophia. You don't even give a shit do you." We held one another's gaze for a half second before I shrugged my shoulders, playing up the heartless card for all it was worth.

"No," I said with such a calm finality Matt nearly blanched in surprise. "What? You want me to deny it? I can't. Matt I never thought about your sister. Not once in all of this. I didn't care if I hurt her, I didn't care if anyone ever found out the truth about why she died. All I cared about was keeping myself safe."

_Wrong. __**Emily**__ safe._

I leaned forward. "Why send Emily the phone Matt?"

"You're asking a lot of questions."

"You're answering," was my rapid fire reply

"I got the goggles because I was there at the crash site," Matt responded, a wicked smile crossing his lips, making him look simultaneously older and more conniving that he'd previously appeared. My heart sunk into my stomach, my poker face wiped clean. "Emily saw me. Recognized me. Turned her head." His tone dropped as he leaned across the table, splaying his palms against the wood as he finished with a putrid laugh, "And the car turned the corner."

_You mother fucking..sfdkagdsabfdlkusf..._

Never in my fucking life had I experienced black out, white hot rage, and now it beckoned me to kill as if I were a threatened primal panther. The liquid fire pounding my veins sprung my hands from where they rested on the table towards Matt's neck as I craved to claw the very life. Before they could clasp against his pathetic throat, he brought his arm over my wrists and pinned them hard to the table, pressing the gun against my forehead as the front door opened and slammed. Matt's palm clamped tightly over my nose and mouth, shoving my head against the backrest of the chair.

"Naomi!" Emily's voice called from the hallway. I inhaled deeply to scream, but immediately the hand holding the gun disappeared from my temple as Matt's arm crushed against my windpipe.

"Scotland, eh?" Matt's whiny, petulant voice whispered as he leered me down, nose to nose. The gun shifted in his hand as it aimed toward the entryway Emily would soon appear in.

"Holyfuckingshit!" I heard her yell. My eyes strained into my right peripheral as my hands clawed at the ones preventing me from breathing. "Let go of her!" Emily's cried. Remarkably, Matt's arm released itself from my throat as the gun was quickly pressed firmly to my forehead. With a large and vocal inhale, I yelled,

"Emily get out of here, just fucking run, go!" I was finally able to turn my head enough so I could see her. She stood petrified, making no move to do as I pleaded.

"Who the fuck are you?" Emily demanded, her hands shaking but feet firmly planted as she gave him the most powerful stink eye she could manage. I couldn't help but smile as Matt's face crinkled.

"Yeah. That's right. Doesn't know who you are...does she?" I smirked, closing my eyes and hyperdriving my useless brain for aide to removing Emily from this situation.

_You weren't supposed to come back...why the fuck did you come back..._

Matt's lips curled into a sneer as his eyes shot back to mine. "I know that you fucking cunt," he snapped in an ungoldy whisper. The momentary redirection of his focus was enough for Emily to charge into the room, her hands shoving him hard, but his firmly planted stance did nothing to topple him. Snatching her wrists, Matt's gigantic hand wrapped around hers binding us both to an immovable impass. As she began to struggle, he twisted and squeezed, causing Emily to wince as I fought to rise from my seat yet again. His face reddened as he fought against us both, somehow winning despite the awkward angle, until we both momentarily stopped struggling. When we could do nothing more than cast one another scared, questioning glances, Matt smiled and commanded in a casual tone, "Sit down, Emily." He twisted Emily's hands toward the chair.

"Emily, go. He wants me let him have me," I implored. Matt released her hands.

_Ok, what the actual fuck are you playing at?_

His grin shifted into a cheeky snark. "Maybe she's right, Emily. Maybe you can just...walk away...I'll be gone long before you can get help..." he smiled as if to say 'We both will.'

"Like fuck," Emily shot back in a threatening whisper and a slight shake of her head. Matt pressed the barrel of the gun tighter against my skin as he spat through his teeth:

"Sit. Down." I involuntarily whimpered as my eyes locked with Emily's. She was standing strong but was clearly petrified. Her lip trembled as she whispered my name through the onset of tears.

"It's ok, Emily. It's all right," I did my best to reassure. Sniffling, Emily slowly crossed to the chair on the opposite side of the table and sat.

"What the fuck do you want with my girlfriend?" Emily asked in a dangerously raspy voice, clearly on the onset of tears.

_Girlfriend? _

The word was like punch to the stomach. The onset of tears sparkled atop my eyes as I glanced down. I opened my mouth to speak, to breathe, to do something, but couldn't make a sound. To hear Emily call me her girlfriend...after all I had said...

_After all I have done..._

I thought I was done falling in love with Emily Fitch. I though I was in as deep as I could go. I was so incredibly wrong.

Eyes locked on Emily, Matt's voice echoed with a deadly calm, "Naomi I want you to tell her who I am. Leave out one little detail, and-" his teeth clenched, "-I swear to fucking god," as he turned the gun on Emily, aiming directly at her beautiful face, "-I will shoot her right between the eyes."

Emily paled as my mind shot into hyperdrive, "Matt I-I can't y-you don't understand-"

"Do it."

"-she could relapse. She could go into shock, we don't know how well she's healed, if I break that part of her again, it could-" Matt clicked off the safety and cocked the gun as he squeezed the handle into tight focus.

"One..."

The words tumbled from my lips like a pile driver. "His name is Matt Moore. I've actually only ever met him once before. The day you found out I'd cheated on you with his sister." Emily's eyes narrowed as she stared me down, taking in what I said, her mouth slightly parting as she heard this story for the very first time, "I sold her some drugs. She jumped off a staircase at a club and..." a high pitched crack pierced my voice, "...we were there." I did my best to continue through the oncoming tears. "I tried to hide it all from you. Even a second time...I was stupid and weak because I didn't want you to remember all over again." I shook as quiet tears rolled down Emily's cheeks, "To break apart all over again and hate me because, it broke us so badly. But no matter how hard it got you stayed with me." A bittersweet smile ghosted over my lips, "Because you're better than anyone I've ever-"

"Because she was weak!" Matt interrupted, the gun shaking just slightly in his hand. I hadn't cast him a single glance during my entire speech, more concerned Emily would slip, something would snap at hearing all of this again. But my eyes stole a quick look and there were tears streaming down his face, his lip quivering as he held the gun pointed directly at Emily.

"Why should I believe you, Naomi," Emily's husky voice replied. Her shoulders rose and slumped lower than where they had previously been as my brow furrowed at her blank and broken expression.

"What?" Matt asked, clearly just as surprised with her response to my confession as I was.

"I don't remember any of it. Fancy easy lot it is for the two of you then. Remembering everything we said and did, while me?" Her eyes were sad for just a brief moment before they hardened over and turned on Matt. "All I know is I came back here to tell Naomi I'm not giving up on her, regardless of whatever fucked up lies she spouts off for whatever good she's deluded herself into believing for my sake...or her own...and I walk in to find...she has a gun pointed to her face by some," Emily's voice was rising as she slowly stood, "deranged, little-"

_No, Emily don't...don't...sit down, please for fuck's sake...don't-_

"_Child_!" She bellowed, her hands pushing atop the table and the gun only inches away as she stared down the weapon and the one holding it. Matt tightened his grip as anger returned his resolve.

"You were supposed to help me," Matt whispered. A dangerous edge had returned to his voice which turned my blood to ice. I gasped, this was unraveling before my eyes and I was frozen to my seat, trying to wrap my brain around everything that was happening, as if I were watching an impending accident of an entirely different kind unfold. Unable to stop it. "You were supposed to get me my-"

"Revenge?!" Emily interrupted, "You wanted me to destroy the person I love because she made a stupid fucking mistake?!"

"You love me?" my voice broke through in a child-like, intimate whisper. Through the beginnings of tears, Emily's eyes lingered on mine, and the side of her cheek twitched into the beginnings of a smile.

"Yes," was her simple response.

I never saw the gun move. I didn't hear the shot go off. But suddenly my side was on fire, and a hundred thousand knives were ripping apart my insides as the sheer force knocked me from my seat into the kitchen counter. My head hit the cupboard, the bludgeoning force causing my ears to ring as my throat made some of the most ungodly noises I've ever produced, echoed and orchestrated by the shrieks of my name coming from Emily as I watched her rush to my side through blurred and swollen eyes.

I clutched my side only to immediately recoil from the pain which erupted at the contact. "Ohgodohgodohgodohgod," Emily sputtered as she tried to press her hands against the open wound. I screamed at the pressure, and her hands flew from me only to rip her jumper off and push it hard against my side. I bit the inside of my lip and slammed my head back against the counter.

"Stay down," I heard Matt say through my watery ears.

_Water? Or blood? I don't even know..._

Panic and I didn't know which was stronger, the urge to vomit up what was left of my insides or to use the last of my remaining strength to literally throw Emily out of the house before Matt had the chance to turn that gun on her. I attempted and failed to lift my arms. My head lulled up and down. Tears leaked out like a running faucett from agony ripping through the tortuous wound in my side. Emily pulled back the jumper a bit, raising my shirt to look at the severity of the wound. "Oohoof," I sputtered as I saw the flesh which looked like it'd been minced through a grinder. I shut my eyes before it made me sick. So I heard rather than saw Emily rise to her feet.

The instant I realized she was hovering above me, my eyes shot open with agonizing fear. Emily kept her eyes locked with mine. I opened my mouth to protest, to stop her from being stupid enough to confront Matt while his shaking hand was minutes away from pulling the trigger again. But my fucking body was stiffer than a board from the pain as my blood pumped rapidly out of the wound. Emily forced a smile as my lips mouthed her name. All I could do was watch.

"Keep down, I fucking said!" Matt barked as he shook the gun for emphasis. Emily raised her blood soaked hands as she turned. Even from a distance I could feel the fear radiating off her. Matt's eyes widened and I knew what he was staring into...those kind brown doe eyes which had the ability to melt the polar ice caps were boring straight into him. And I saw him physically tremble from the power.

"Matt," she whispered, taking a step toward him, and away from me. "Naomi needs to get the hospital. Right now. If she doesn't she could die, ok? I know you don't want that."

"Fuck you!" Matt spat back as Emily inched toward him. With each footfall, my heart hammered harder. I tried to sit up, to reach for her, to halt her in her tracks. To push her to run if I could. "You know what she did! She-she killed my sister she just admitted it! To your fucking face! And you don't even fucking care Emily! What is it you told me? Not your fucking problem? She jumped because she couldn't fucking stand it anymore!" Matt's eyes misted over. His extended arm retreated closer to his chest as Emily took another step. Almost immediately, he closed the gap between them, and my heart stopped as he pressed the barrel right under Emily's nose. "Naomi's always been the fucking problem."

"Matt please, please don't hurt her, I'm fucking begging you," I choked out, pressing my side tightly, praying I kept my insides put for another minute. Just another minute. In another minute I'd think of something, I'd get her out of this I'd-

"Naomi hurts people. It's what she does," Emily's voice broke in, still just as calm as it had been moments ago. Her eyes glanced down to me with a twinge of pain before shifting into...forgiveness? Casting her attention back to Matt, she continued, "It's what we all do. She's got a lot to make up for. But this, Matt, what you're doing...there's no coming back from this." I waited. Emily waited. I tried to crawl. Emily raised her hand in my direction, never moving her eyes from where they were locked onto Matt. "You're in pain, and you're hurting, and you just want someone to care about that. I think your sister cared. I think she cared very much."

I watched on in horror as Matt's tear filled eyes went from Emily to me and back again. I was beginning to lose consciousness, feeling black cloak over my eyes as my head swayed. "Matt...please..." The two words were no more than a vocalized breath as my eyes began to lull closed. His lip thinned and just as Emily went to reach for the gun he pulled the trigger. I opened my mouth to scream but no sound was released, instead my insides cut against the cry, silencing me where I sat.

_Click. Clickclick._

Matt's stare penetrated through the shriek Emily emitted. Everything changed in that moment. In a blink of a second, Matt lowered the gun and whispered, "There was only one bullet." The second the gun was lowered, Emily was back at my side, phone drawn to her ear. I groaned, feeling the rest of the color drain from my face as my cheeks began to throb. Emily's frantic breathing and muffled insistence for someone to answer was soon rewarded by the click of a voice.

"Yes hello my name is Emily Fitch my...my girlfriend has been shot," she said as clearly as she could through the mounting tears and welling cracking of her voice. She gave them the address and hung up with a "Hurry," before looking over her shoulder. It was only then I heard the hollowed sounds of the streets outside. The front door was open.

Matt was gone.

Emily searched around frantically, trying to figure out what to do next. Her hands tentatively reached out to me as her face broke from it's previously brave mask of anger to one of panicking heartbreak. Everything was throbbing in hellish trauma. I couldn't register which I should focus on first: The agony in my side. Or the agony in Emily's eyes as fingertips brushed the hair from my face before falling atop the hand between us resting on my stomach. She pressed against the blood-soaked jumper as she begged, "Hang on, Naoms, please...just...hang on, ok?"

There was nothing either of us could do. But wait. I wanted to talk to her, to ask her why she came back, to explain why I did what I did, to show her and remind her how much I loved her and there was nothing about how I felt that was a lie. But I couldn't. All I could do was look in her eyes. And smile.

And wait...

My hands tingled inside of Emily's. After a few minutes I couldn't feel her palm. Not long after I couldn't feel her fingertips. My head started to swim again. I was slipping out of consciousness. Emily pressed the jumper tighter since I had lost all ability to do so myself. "I-I don't know what to do-" Her voice was a faded whisper. I found myself exhale a small laugh as my eyes fluttered closed.

"Just...stay..." I choked out in a soft reply. Emily wrapped me up in her arms as she kissed the top of her head. My ear rested against her chest as she caressed my hair.

"I'm here...I'm here, Naomi...please...I love you..."

Those were the last words I heard before everything went black.

**POST AUTHOR'S NOTE: #1: The final chapter will be posted on Aug. 3rd, exactly 7 months to the date of the first chapter's publication. #2: Go over to "Resting on Your Laurels," read the latest chapter that was posted today and send SM some love. She needs an inspiration boost, and I know what that's like. She's a fucking genius and hopefully everyone can offer her some encouragement. #3: I hope you all have enjoyed the ride so far, it's been a really wonderful journey for me. One chapter left. I will see you lot again on the 3rd. Cheers until then my loves!**


	20. 19: It's You

**FINAL AUTHOR'S NOTE: So we have reached the end, my friends, and it has been one long, and beautiful journey for me. I hope you have enjoyed the story thus far, and will continue to read other fics by other authors for many early days and late nights to come. Check out this fic's anthem: **_**Paperweight**_** by Joshua Radin feat. Schyuler Fisk.**

**I believe in Naomily. I believe their love story is one of the few truest ones out there in the fiction world, and no matter what, they will always love each other. No matter what words are printed on the page, Naomily's chemistry is beautiful, and that is of course due to Lily and Kathryn's performances. They are the reason why we watch, read, write, and rewrite their story. We can only hope their paths cross again on screen.**

**Thanks to my two betas, without whom, I doubt this would've ever been as good as I hope it was. They inspired and guided me, told me when something worked, when it didn't, read chapter after chapter and gave me the feedback I needed to continue. To ****Kaylee, Ally, and Annabel: this story would NOT been seen to its conclusion if it weren't for you guys. Your faith in me helped keep me going when nothing else could. You're not just readers, you're my friends**

**To the other fic writers who have given us all so much, thank you a hundred times over, particularly: thecon12 (**_**Where I Stood**_**), esdiferente (**_**Dragons, The Avalanche Has Already Started, Close Protection**_**), Blue-Eyed-Blonde-90 (**_**Heart Skipped A Beat**_**), PersephonesNauticalNun (**_**Abnormally Attracted to Sin**_**), emilionaomikins (**_**There's Always A Choice, Lessons in Love**_**), TrueFreak89 (**_**The Life I Could Have Lived**_**), HyperFitched (**_**I Hold A Force I Can't Contain, The Bend In The Wave**_**), post-war (**_**Coming Back To You**_**), Crevette (**_**Breaking Points**_**), niceoneblondie (**_**Ink**_**), scriptmanip (**_**Clean Sheet, Resting On Your Laurels**_**), and of course luvactually/goldflecks (**_**Coin Laundry**_**). Their character interpretations are just as visceral and the stories are just as life-changing as anything "original" out there. Their art exists to exist.**

**"The main rule of writing is that if you do it with enough confidence, you're allowed to do whatever you like. So write your story as it needs to be written. Write it honestly, and tell it as best you can." -Neil Gaiman. To you, the reader, you are wonderful, and I thank you for taking your time to read this story. **

**Now it is time to bid adieu to **_**It's So Fragile**_**, and I am proud to give you the final installment with my warmest wishes, tenderest thoughts, and a hopefully satisfying conclusion. To all of you from now until next time, cheers!**

**CHAPTER NINETEEN: It's You**

EMILY'S POV

_10 Months Later..._

Cardiff Bay wasn't Goa. There weren't any exotic foods to eat, but the fish and chips were unbeatable. Beaches weren't too shabby. An ocean's an ocean, right? The sea air could did some good. I think. It blew cool from the balcony of the motel room this morning. My head lulled back against the wicker chair as I pulled my robe tighter around my knees. At least it was a place away from everything. For a while.

When mum and dad left for Glasgow, Katie and I put up a big enough row about needing to stay in Bristol. So we moved into Naomi's flat. I'd worked two jobs, one at a local bookstore, the other at a boutique, for nearly six months saving every penny which wasn't going toward necessary expenses. After everything that happened last year, I needed a break, to completely escape all of the memories which were landlocked in Bristol. My memory hadn't returned to me-

"Emily!"

-but my Naomi had.

"Emily!" The distress in Naomi's voice beckoned me quickly from the balcony back into the adjoining bedroom where Naomi was tugging at the covers, her eyes still shut in the dawning sunlight. Slipping into the sheets alongside her, I could easily make out sweat beading across her forehead. Her teeth ground hard on her bottom lip. If I didn't wake her from the nightmare soon, she would likely bite right through it again. I propped myself up on my elbow and ran my hand over her damp forehead. Her breath was quick ragged as she whimpered my name repeatedly. "Ssshhh, ssshhh, Naomi, it's all right. It's ok, it's just a bad dream. Wake up, Naoms...come on...come back to me..." Sleepy blue eyes opened slowly to mine. She swallowed, trying to gain control from the spinning limbo between sleep and awake. Her hand reached out and removed mine from her forehead and clutched it tightly. I could feel the pulse in her fingers slow as she began to slowly realize I was next to her. "Which one was it this time?" I asked once she had managed to still just the tiniest bit.

Naomi's eyes open and shut several times before she answering, "The worst one," knowing I would understand. Matt. His gun. Me. Not her. My voice was even and soothing as I assured her,

"Naomi...Matt's-"

"-dead. No yeah. I remember. It's just...for half a second it always feels like..." Kissing the top of her forehead I whispered,

"I know."

It's terrifying waking up in darkness. Even for a split second. Knowing there are bits and pieces which don't feel right, having to rely on whatever that core is inside you which keeps you doing. I knew what Naomi was going through because I had been there. Sometimes, it still felt like I was. On that cold hard kitchen floor, covered in my girlfriend's blood, crying my eyes out praying the paramedics would just make it there in time. And I'd never prayed for anything in my life.

Matt was the reason the paramedics almost didn't make it to the flat. The reason Naomi almost died. The reason a bullet had nearly obliterated her insides, barely missing her spine. The reason her physical therapy had to be constantly extended because there had been so much nerve and artery damage. I wasn't going to mourn someone who terrorized and shot my girlfriend, then hopped in front of a bus a few minutes later. But that didn't stop him from haunting Naomi, even now.

It had taken us ages to fully confront everything that had happened. Neither of us wanted to face the pain we'd caused the other person. Naomi couldn't accept I was still so angry with her. I couldn't accept _anything_. For a long time. Still...I stayed. When she was in the hospital, I was by her side. Like she was beside mine. I helped her during physical therapy whenever Gina couldn't make it down to the hospital. She would always get mad, and frustrated, and then turn to me and shout, "If you could just talk to me maybe I could fucking do this!" I made her a deal. If she could get out of the wheelchair and walk toward me without anyone's help...I would talk to her. I spent every day that winter wanting to simultaneously kiss her, slap her, and burst into tears. Every day Naomi got stronger. Eventurally Naomi moved back home. It had been a normal day. A Monday I thin. Christmas was fast approaching. I was standing in the kitchen, the day it happened. I looked into the hallway after I heard the floor creak and watched with tear filled eyes as Naomi took one step and then another. At first she was allowing the wall to guide her. But her last few steps, she pushed away, her eyes fixated on the chair. When she reached it, my voice choked on a sob. She looked at me. She smiled. "Now?" she had asked. I agreed.

As the Cardiff gulf air continued to blow lightly against the bed sheets I held Naomi closer to me, her head slowly calming against my chin. "Is there tea?" Naomi asked, her voice dry and groggy. I smiled as I began running my hands through her hair.

"Since when did you drink tea?"

"I do sometimes, remember? Oh...sorry...not really awake yet." Her face flushed a bit as her eyes glanced away. I kissed her cheek.

"There's some in the cabinet. How do you take it?"

"White with just honey. I'm trying this new thing, y'know, cutting back on the smoking?"

"I'll put the kettle on then." I'd no sooner filled the iron pot and placed it on the gas stove, returning to the adjacent bedroom, only to fine Naomi out on the balcony with a fag lit and dangling from her lips. Walking slowly across the length of the room I adoringly gazed at her while she smoked. She was now sitting in the chair I had recently vacated, her head turned at an angle. Her lips curled over the filter as her long, lovely fingers held the stick close even after she had taken an inhale. Her eyes always glazed over in thought, on every puff, if only for a moment. The ritual was just as tantalizing for me as it was calming for her.

Slowly she turned the chair toward the balcony's edge so she could prop her feet up against the stone landing, leaning to one side the tiniest bit as she did so. Most of the pain from her bullet wound had faded, but occasionally something as simple as sitting could be tricky, especially in the morning when her muscles were still tense. Striding onto the patio, I stood behind her. I parted her hair where it fell down her back and lightly ran my fingertips the width of her shoulders. Glancing down, I watched her smile at the touch, her eyes lulling shut as she revelled at the contact.

Sitting beside her, I pulled the fag from her lips and took my own puff. Leaning back with a smile, I exhaled the off-white smoke into the air as Naomi's eyes lingered on me. I hadn't thought on the afternoon for a while, but suddenly, Effy's words came filtering through my mind as Naomi's eyelashes slowly blinked with the pull of her drag.

_"You don't get to see how she looks at you when she's certain no one can see. It's like she's terrified and blissful at the exact same time. I've never seen anyone do that. Least of all her. And with no one other than you."_

Naomi's lips curled up into a small smile, and as they did, it was like they possessed some magical key which slipped into a lock and opened a door. Without pomp and circumstance, without any trigger or knock over the head...I looked into those torridly perfect, blue eyes and finally saw...myself.

The corners of my eyes prickled with oncoming tears as Naomi leaned forward, her brow etching with concern. "Ems, what is it? What's wrong?" My cheeks burst into a smile as I leaned forward and kissed her. Her hands gently wrapped around my arms and pulled me back, her face searching for the cause of the wetness she's just tasted between us. Through a choked laugh I whispered,

"I remember. Naomi...I remember _everything_." Instantaneous tears appeared in Naomi's eyes as her lips found mine again in quick successive kisses. After a few moments, my eyes opened to hers as she ran her hands through my hair, her gaze examining my every feature.

"Are you all right? How do you feel? Dizzy? Do you have a headache? Should we go back inside?" The questions spilled out of her so fast I couldn't attempt to answer. With a tiny laugh I held my hands up and shook my head.

"I'm fine," I insisted, "I don't feel any different. It's just a relief. There isn't this black cloud hanging over me anymore. It's as simple as...it's all there now..." Naomi's lip curled underneath the right corner of her teeth. The side of my mouth twitched as I surveyed her concentrated bite.

"We should still get you inside. Get you to lay down," she finally answered, almost pragmatically, mashing the butt of her fag into the glass ashtray as she stood.

"Couldn't agree more," I replied, my voice dipping just the tiniest bit as I followed Naomi in through the glass doors. Just as we stepped from patio, a loud whistle ripped through the kitchen, scaring the shit out of both of us. "Fuck! I forgot!" I bellowed as I ran toward the sound I don't know why I ran, perhaps it was the extra kick of adrenaline, but before I could blink my hand was on the iron teapot's handle, grateful for the wooden top as I hadn't even though to grab the potholder hanging from the nail in the stove top window.

I switched of the electric as I moved the kettle from one eye to another. Turning over my shoulder to reach for the tea kept in the adjoining shelf, I was immediately intercepted by Naomi who pulled me close, bringing her lips passionately down on mine. A sharp inhale at the surprise was seized from my lips. Tugging at the hem of my robe, I didn't question her as she pulled me and back toward the bedroom, never breaking contact from the kiss. "Thought I said we needed to lay down..." she muttered against my lips as her hands slipped into the silk rob and removed it from my shoulder to the ground. Her fingertips hooked onto the elastic band of my knickers, tugging my hips flush against her.

My hands squeezed her hips. She sucked my bottom lip between her teeth as I increased our pace toward the bed. A playful squeal broke the kiss as we finally landed on top of the mattress. Straddling Naomi's hips, I pulled her further onto the king size motel bed, my hands on either side of her head, as I began kissing down her neck. She released a moan which matched mine as both vibrated against one another with each pressure point I found. Fingernails ran up my sides, causing goosebumps to rise from the base of my spine to the top of my head. Naomi's hands tangled into my vest as she pulled it quickly over my head. I quickly worked Naomi free of her own. My hands slid into warm, blanketed blonde hair. Slowly, hands wrapped around my own neck, sweet, lingering pressure applied as our lips tangled together again.

"I'm not too heavy, am I?" I said, breathlessly, aware for the first time my knee was directly below Naomi's still somewhat tender side. Kissing my jawline into my ear she whispered,

"Is that your way of asking me to top you?" A smile crept over my lips.

"Not at all, but now that you mention it-"

Naomi turned her head to meet my eyes with a mischievous twinkle as she twisted her hips opposite the direction of her wounded side and switched our positions. As she kissed below my ear, finding the spots which were hot wired to make my clit start throbbing, my hands pressed against Naomi's skin as I drug my palms up her back. Her shoulders arched into the touch as her hips came down against mine, grinding against me where I could already feel how wet she was under her knickers. A soft moan became vocal as the shift became immediate friction. Quick, high pitched sounds echoed with each slow rubbing of Naomi's hips.

A particularly rough bite against my neck triggered my hands to shoot into Naomi's hair, pulling her head back aggressively to kiss her with a slow, burning frenzy. Pushing my tongue into her mouth, I deepened the kiss with three languid strokes, feeling her moan into my mouth until I was satisfied from my thirst. Our lips released, parted just enough so I could feel her hot, ragged breath from arousal and passionate tension radiate down from her like the surface of the sun. I was bathed in this woman's desire. "I love you," I whispered, feeling my words land tangibly against Naomi's lips. I stopped breathing.

"I love you too, Em." I kissed her immediately, drank her in, savored how she tasted. Naomi's lips began their pursuit down my neck. They pressed against my collar bone, brushed across my tit until she sucked my nipple into her mouth. My upper back instinctively levitated into the biting draw of the combination of her teeth and lips. Her tongue fluttered pressure up and down, releasing gasps from within me. One of her hands ran across my lower stomach, over my hip around my hip, and up my side until it landed on my other nipple. Each flick of Naomi's tongue and twist of her fingers sent a shock wave of intense pleasure through me, inside me, against me. My blood was humming. It was on fire.

I ran my fingers through Naomi's hair as her mouth and hands switched sides. My heart raced as I watched my girlfriend grope and tease me. Her eyes locked on mine. The intensity of her gaze lingered only a moment before she released her hold on my tits with a final flick of her fingers and nip of her teeth which jolted my hips up into hers. Once she shifted I watched her face hallow into a gasp as she felt my wetness against her stomach. I smiled. "You're still always so surprised at how wet you make me," I said.

Naomi's chest rose and fell twice before she yanked my knickers free of my hips, kissing one hip bone all the way across to the other. My head lulled back as with each press of her lips, my inside walls clenched with wanting anticipation. I wanted her mouth on me. Lower. I didn't have to make the request. Naomi's lips vibrated with a pleasure to match my own as they wrapped around my swollen clit. "Fuck," I huskily moaned, clutching the duvet as.

She knew how to tease me. She knew if she flicked up and down quickly, my hips would buck against her tongue so she'd draw the pleasure from me in long thorough strokes. I knew she was watching me, my tits lightly bouncing up and down as my breathing increased. It only stirred her on further, her lips increasing their pressure as her tongue worked faster, and as a result my moans reached higher and higher in pitch and volume.

Right before I came, I grabbed a handful of Naomi's hair and pulled her away. "What?" she whispered, and before she could question me, I rolled up to a sitting position and crashed my lips against hers, using the force of my upper body to top her. "Wha-Em-wha're you doin-" she asked as my hands raked down her sides and latched beneath the hem of her underwear. Tossing it to the floor beneath us, I drank in her wetness immediately. "Oh fuck!" she moaned, forgetting any protest she was beginning to create and her hands tangled into her hair.

Her taste only fueled my own arousal and as my tongue brushed and flicked against her, my own fingers moved to my still throbbing clit. I massaged it in slow, deliberate circles, matching what my tongue did against myself. I moaned repeatedly, my eyes glancing up to Naomi who's head was buried against her arm, her eyes squinted shut in pleasure. A particularly throaty, "Oh fuck, Em," sent a shock wave me to my pulsing center as two fingers thrust deep into Naomi. Her hands slammed against the headboard as she screamed, "Jesus fucking Christ!" accompanied by a high pitched moan as my fingers curled into a rhythm right against her g-spot.

My eyes shut as Naomi's fingers clutched the back of my head, pulling at my scalp with just enough pressure for my heart to start hammering. "Faster, Emily, please, faster," she begged, her hips rising against me now. Pushing my fingers tightly against her upper wall, I pulled out just enough to push a third finger inside of her. My pace immediately increased as my fingers pumped harder. "Oh god, fuckfuckfuckfuck," My other hand rubbed against my clit like mad. Breaking my tongue away from Naomi, I shut my eyes as I began to match her moans as I felt the familiar white hot heat pulse through my body. My toes curled as Naomi's hips bucked wildly against my fingers which were hastily, hungrily, completely filling her. With a final downward push, a scream erupted out of Naomi as she came hard against me. Stars formed in the back of my eyes as I felt her walls pulse and flood. My mouth opened as my breathing increased. I held my breath tightly as I begged my body to come too.

"Ah, ah, oh, god, fuck," I moaned as I felt it begin for a second time, but before it hit me, Naomi had her hands on my waist, and was pulling me toward her. Losing my balance just slightly I worked my way up to where she was guiding me, outwardly groaning as I lost the momentum of my build. But the blood boiling in my body ignited when I saw what she wanted. Pulling my legs over her shoulders, she pushed underneath me, my knees now at her ear. My hands grappled the head board to keep myself up right as Naomi's hands clutched my hips to bring me down atop her anxiously awaiting lips. "Fuck!" I exhaled as I felt her tongue lick my clit yet again. It wouldn't take long for me to come, but I wanted to ride this out as long as I could physically take it. Her tongue moved from where it danced atop my engorged clit and slipped inside of me. Naomi was fucking me with her tongue, and it felt fucking amazing.

"Fuck me," I begged as my hips rode with the motions of Naomi's tongue. "Fuck me, Naomi," I pleaded more fervantly. My grip on the headboard tightened as I felt her thumb push against my clit. "Fuck me like you love me," I whimpered. I looked down and our eyes met, and we knwe she was going to undo me completely. Like everything about her always had. Her tongue pushed faster, deeper, her thumb pressed harder as I felt my orgasm building inside of me with a speedy climb. My hips bucked once, twice, three times, "Ohgod-ohfuck-oh-Naomi-_Naomiiiiii_!" I cried. My heart stopped. I was dead...again...and I was immediately reborn the very next second. My knees clenched and my body shook as I came against Naomi's lips. My head felt like it was going to float away as my hands trembled against the headboard. I allowed myself two seconds to catch my breath, feeling Naomi's tongue rub lightly against me, before I lowered myself back onto the bed. "Holy-"

"-Shit." My body was coursing with the aftershocks of the best sex I ever had. And now I could remember what to compare it too.

"Are you all right?" I whispered, turning my head to look at my utterly spent girlfriend. She looked at me as she smiled.

"Why?" she asked, her breathing just as unhinged as matching mine while we continued to come down.

"I didn't hurt you? We haven't really had sex that intense since-"

"The doctor recommended exercise and a balanced diet," her eyes sparked with glee as she concluded, "and I'm fairly certain I just had both." Our fingers joined against the sheets as I scooted close enough to her to rest my forehead against hers.

"Pretty sure I'm going to have to reheat the kettle if you still want your tea," I said with a bit of a wicked lilt to my voice. The smile which Naomi gave me in that moment was one which simultaneously awakened and broke my heart.

Biting her lip she said, "I couldn't bare to lose you again, Em." I blinked.

"What brings that up?"

"Everything," she insisted, running her fingers through my hair, "everything about this. About you. About us. I finally have you back," her voice cracked, "I know it's probably not worth much after everything I've done. And said. I don't presume getting away will fix it all, but Emily, please forgive me." Tears were forming in her eyes now. My hand rubbed across her neck.

"Naoms, we've already talked about all that. We're fine. We're ok." Kissing the top of her forehead, I added, "Better than ok." She always felt things so intensely. Moreso than anyone I had ever known. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with her in the first place. Because I knew. I knew she'd always loved me. Because a part of me had always loved her. Before I knew it, maybe before she knew it.

Naomi and Emily. Inevitable.

"We're always," I whispered, bringing my lips atop hers.

"Yeah. Always," she agreed, robbing me of my thoughts and breath all over again with each press of her lips, trace of her fingers, and pull of her arms.

I was home.

_**END**_


End file.
